Another article screaming your age at you

I swear there are more articles targeted towards twenty-somethings than there are Keeping Up With the Kardashians episodes. When was the last time you read one of them and thought, "Man, I'm really living it up to the fullest right now. I'm really doing everything I can to express being a twenty-something." NO, NEVER, ME NEITHER, I NEVER REMEMBER THAT FEELING AFTER READING A TWENTY SOMETHING ARTICLE.

My thought process is typically something to the effect of, "EF, I'M HOME ON A TUESDAY NIGHT WATCHING A MOVIE, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME???? I SHOULD BE GETTING LOST WITH A STRANGER ON THE BACK OF A MOTORCYCLE EATING BON BONS BECAUSE I'M TWENTY SOMETHING AND THAT'S THE ONLY TIME IN MY LIFE I'LL EVER BE ABLE TO PULL IT OFF OMG"



Something like that.



The following particular article is about a year old, but since if you're twenty-something, T-S, then it's still relevant. Let's review the damage. 



THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE IS BY THOUGHT CATALOG, WITH MY COMMENTARY INDENTED BETWEEN THE NUMBERED BULLETS. PS. BTDUBS. 
Twenty-one Ways You Should Take Advantage of Your Twenties
 

1. Don’t feel the need to respond to every text message, phone call, and email the second it reaches you. Once upon a time, it took longer than a minute to reach someone. People used stamps and envelopes; they had answering machines they didn’t check for hours, sometimes days. No one will die if you don’t immediately respond to every message you receive. 


Well this is true. But don't get it confused with, "Take forever to respond back when your friend invites you to something you don't want to do," BECAUSE THAT CRAP DOESN'T FLY WITH ME. JUST TEXT ME "NO," THANKS.



2. Ask for what’s owed to you. Half the time, you’re not getting your needs met because you’re not making them known. Your employers, romantic interests, and friends are not going to read your mind and give you what you need unless you speak up.


This is potentially sound advice. I'll try to remember it in 88 years when I have an employer or romantic interest. 


3. Never turn down an open bar. Seek them out and make them a priority. Indulging in open bars when you’re older isn’t appropriate because a) people will think you have an alcohol problem and b) you’re supposed to have enough money to afford your own alcohol.


Now I'm convinced a twenty-something wrote this article. Probably after hitting up an open bar all night. But just to play it safe, I better be sure to carry out this step throughout my twenties. You know. Better safe than sorry on lists of rules, know whattimean. 
 


4. If you’re unhappy and someone offers you a way out, take it. You don’t owe your first job years of loyalty and your first-born; you don’t have to stay in your city just because you’re on a first-name basis with the bodega guy. Do what feels right; the initial fear will give way to excitement.


"You don't owe your first job years of loyalty." I like that. I know that I can sometimes get caught up in settling, telling myself that I should be grateful, but sometimes we put the I should be grateful for this, this is fine," mask over the "You're settling, you can do better, you're not happy," truth. This is true in both jobs and relationships. 


5. Take advantage of all the energy you have in your 20s. In your 30s and 40s, your body starts getting upset with you, when some 20-something babe is all, “Wanna race?” That’s not a concern when you’re in your 20s — don’t ever take it for granted.


WELL DAMN. WHAT ENERGY??????? If I'm out partying and it's 2 in the morning, THE JEWELRY IS COMING OFF, STICK A FORK IN ME, I'M DONE. I get tired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why do I suddenly feel the pressure of the world to be like Richard Simmons 24/7??????????????? I AM TWENTY SOMETHING, I AM NOT SLEEP-PROOF. 


6. Let your more successful friends pick up the check this time. Before you’re 30, it’s still okay to be work as a barista and not have your career path figured out. Save your cash and take up your lawyer-friend’s offer for dinner. Use the money you saved to buy more ramen.


Hmm. It's only step 6 and so far I've been encouraged to be demanding, get out of the first job that isn't my dream, engage the open bar, not sleep, and now free-load off of my successful friends, AFTER WHICH I'M SURE THEY'LL INVITE ME OUT TO DINNER AGAIN. Let's all just skip this step, please. 


7. Play a sport you played in elementary school. Kickball, dodgeball. There are leagues for these games now. Get on it.


No. Never. Absolutely not. And you can't make me. No. No. 


8. Learn how to cook. Here’s an idea — instead of spending all your money on ridiculously marked-up restaurant food, save your money by buying non-processed WHOLE FOODS and LEARNING HOW TO MAKE A MEAL OF REAL FOOD. A meal of real food is not a box of Annie’s Organic Mac and Cheese — that’s PROCESSED FOOD. A meal is something like sauteed brussel sprouts with onions and pinto beans garnished with salt and pepper. You’ll thank yourself for learning how to cook when your metabolism catches up to you.


Well, this I approve of, because who am I. Cook. Healthy. Yes. Check. 

 


9. Keep making friends. Everyone complains that it’s hard to make friends after college, but we still manage to find new people to flirt with and date, right? It’s not that hard. You know yourself better than you ever have before, and your friends can finally reflect that. Don’t cling to old friends because it’s too frightening or ‘risky’ to make new ones.


I know for some people it really is truly hard to befriend someone and maintain that relationship. I've never had a problem talking to people so I can honestly say I don't know what this is like. MY PROBLEMS ARE MORE IN THE VICINITY OF MY BANK ACCOUNT AND CAR ENGINE AND THINGS OF THE LIKE. 


10. Let your parents buy your plane ticket home. It can be trying to be stuck in a house with your family for a few days or a week, but vacations in your 20s can be hard to come by. Let them subsidize your trips home and do you as much as you can when you get there.


            See you the 4th, Carlsbad. 


11. Stay up late. In your 20s, you’re all, “Let’s go to another bar!” “Who wants to eat at a diner?” “Have you guys seen the sun rise from the High Line?” “In this moment I swear we were infinite!” When you get older, this becomes, “What are you doing? Go home. Watch Parks and Rec and go to sleep. What is wrong with you, staying up all night? Who has time for that?” If you’re in your 20s, you do. You have all the time. Do it now and take advantage of how not tired you are. You think you’re crabby now when you stay up too late? You’ll never believe how terrible you feel when you do it in your 30s.


Okay, see number 5. I'm tired right now just thinking about not being allowed to be tired. 


12. Savor those 20s hangovers. They are a gift from God so that you’ll always remember what your tolerance level is. Your hangover recovery time is like flippin’ Wolverine in your 20s. You wake up, feel like death, pull on some shades, gulp down coffee or maybe a bloody Mary and whine about your headache over brunch. Oh, boo hoo. When you’re older, every hangover is Apocalypse Freaking Now. You’re not making it to brunch. You’re not making it off your floor in a weeping puddle of regret.


HAHA????? That's the only commentary I have.  


13. Indulge in diner/ fast food at 4 a.m. This is considered depressing behavior once you become a real adult.


This is also considered depressing behavior in your twenties. This behavior is depressing in all walks of life. DIDN'T STOP ME FROM BECOMING FIRST-NAME BASIS WITH STAFFERS AT JACK IN THE BOX CIRCA FALL 2012 HOWEVER SO THERE'S THAT #GAMESEASON 


14. STOP PROCRASTINATING YOUR TRIP ABROAD. YOUR CHANCES OF TAKING A LONG VACATION ABROAD DIMINISH AS YOU BECOME MORE SET IN YOUR WAYS AND AS YOU GAIN MORE RESPONSIBILITY.  


Ahh, yes. In probably my first non-sarcastic sentence in this post, and probably entire blog, I really do want to live in New York for at least a year and travel in Europe for at least 6 months throughout my 20s. NUMBER 14, YOUR WORDS ARE RESONATING WITH ME. 



15. Do ‘unacceptable’ things to your hair. Dye it. Dread it. Shave only the left side of your head and give a crap if it grows back in a flattering manner (hint: it won’t). There’s no time but now.


Should I dye a portion of my hair pink??? Should I finally get those dreadlocks??????? Am I basic for not having a mohawk right now????????????? Maybe Miley Cyrus has it right with her broken engagement and Nick Carter-esque hair vibes????


16. Avoid Burning Man. Save it for your weird-Dad mid-life crisis.


Well I for one have no idea what this is about. 


17. Sit down, unplug, and read non-fiction. Do this daily. None of your peers are doing it. They’re playing video games and refreshing Facebook and Gmail chatting about nothing in particular. After a month you’ll be smarter than all of them.


Oh I love this. I've been trying to get through This Side of Paradise, BUT HERE I AM BLOGGING WELP OK I'LL GET THERE, I'M GETTING THERE, IT'S NOT LIKE I'M G-CHATTING. 


18. Walk into Forever 21 and grab every single crappily-made floral dress available. Is every other girl on the street wearing it? Is it literally falling apart at the seams? Is it also actually five dollars? BUY IT IMMEDIATELY. When you get older, your clothing becomes all expensive blazers and tailored khakis and other pieces that won’t break while on your body. That will be a great day — the day when your closet starts to look respectable. Though those outfits are more expensive, they also last longer and look better on you. You will be a classy human ready to take on the future. But as long as you’re still in your 20s? You know — the demographic of Forever 21? Game on, stretchy black dress with pockets that lasts about a week. Game on.


Buy everything at Forever 21?? Wait, did I write this article???? 
 


19. Take road trips. Sitting in a car for days on end isn’t something your body was designed to do forever.


Sup spring break 2013. Sup. 


20. Don’t invest in things like window curtains or throw rugs or… Windex. You’re a young, social person who doesn’t have time for things like picture-framing and broom-sweeping. No one actually expects you to maintain a bed skirt or a duvet cover in your 20s, they’re the home decor equivalent of puppies/ children.


GIRLS NEED TO READ THIS PARAGRAPH TWICE. Our taste in designs are always changing and we shouldn't justify buying that expensive red chevron rug just because "it's good quality." YOU WILL NOT WANT THAT THING IN 8 YEARS WHEN YOUR TASTE IN HOME DECOR ISN'T BY HANDCRAFTED BY PINTEREST. 


21. Go to/host theme parties. Once people age out of their 20s, no one’s trying to wear pajamas or Saran Wrap out of the house. The only theme parties that exist after your 20s are ‘Wedding,’ ‘Baby Shower,’ and ‘Funeral.’ 


So Should I check craigslist for local "dress like your favorite celeb" parties??? Like, I get that when the clock strikes 30, themed frat parties are on the downslope, but I MEAN, I'M LIKELY TO NOT PASS UP ON THE BAR SCENE JUST BECAUSE IT'S NOT 80'S PROM NIGHT. You find me a themed party not on a college campus and we'll talk. 

Ok, so this^^^article was just okay. But THIS ARTICLE is worth the commotion. Read it. I'm sure you won't want to after trucking through this blog post, but TRUST ME, this article is worth your time. My favorite T-S article, and THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING.

bai.