Juanuary Episode 4: White Girl Problems

Alright, here we go.

Can you tell which girls Juan said "Adios" to???? Read on, if not. And if you do, read on anyway.

The show starts out with Chris Harrison telling the girls they have one hour to pack their bags because they're going to Seoul, South Korea.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

South Korea??? Is that exciting??? Do I want to go there??? Are we supposed to be happy for the girls this season??????? I finally get to travel the world for free and I have to go to South Korea, white girl problem #1.

My reaction, after Chris H. tells me we're going to Seoul:

The girls' reaction: 

Lalala, they're in South Korea. Then the group date is announced. Nikki the nurse (#alliteration) is perturbed because she "is across the world and doesn't want to be stuck with all five other ANNOYING girls."

Nikki definitely seems like the type of girl that will have a lot of bridesmaids and friends at her wedding.

A picture of Nikki and her best friends. #whitegirlproblems

Enter: asian pop music.

"K-pop is going to take over America," said Juan Pablo, a music-industry analyst. This episode is centered around this one premonition.

Nikki rants to the camera about not being able to share things, as she didn't have to do that growing up. She makes no attempt to hide her inner spoiled selfish white girl problems.

HOLD UP BECAUSE THE GIRLS LIVES ARE ABOUT TO BE CHANGED. #MEETINGLEGENDS

The girls get to meet Seoul's most popular K-Pop group, 2NE1, not to be confused with the more normal interpretation of the band name, twenty-one.

Sean was the first bachelor to open up about being a virgin and Juan was the first bachelor to openly parade his and every man's asian fetish.

This is exciting because everyone is of course familiar with that group, and has always wanted to meet South Korea's most popular girl band. (or finally meeting a famous girl band and not even knowing who they are, white girl problem #2)

Said Nikki on the subject, not scripted at all, "Their YouTube video had 77 million views. MILLION. That is a lot of views." Thank you for the impact, Nikki.

So now the K-Pop is speaking English and teaching them a dance. This is very reminiscent of DCC: Making the Team. Kelli, the brunette/fierce coach from Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader's is going to walk in any second.

Kelli and her assistant coach assess the damage done on tonight's episode.

Kat is prepared, as she basically invented rhythm and bodily movements. The bitch can dance.

Nikki emphasizes how annoying this group date is. Nikki has a problem when someone is better than her at something. Then the surprise we all knew was coming, came: they're going to perform it in front of a live audience.

Kat is thrilled. Nikki might commit suicide before commercial break.

~*~*~*~

Unfortunately, we're back from break and she's still here.

Cassandra, former NBA dancer, is surprisingly barely on this episode. I was an NBA dancer and ABC didn't even film me when I danced on The Bachelor, white girl problems #3.

Back to Nikki.

"My day couldn't get any worse," says the gorgeous, financially stable, blonde while on vacation, as she pursues the assumed man of her dreams. So if everyone could keep Nikki in your prayers in this hard time, her family would really be so grateful.

Nikki has dance moves as good as Taylor Swift and she was forced to dance on national television, white girl problems #5

Now the girls are decked out in Harajuku girl clothes. Gwen Stefani is probably watching this episode.

Soapbox:
STOP ACTING LIKE YOU KNOW WHO "21" IS. YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD OF THAT BAND IN YOUR LIFE. PLEASE, SPARE ME THE SPEECH ABC PREPARED FOR YOU.

End of soapbox.

Breaking Update: Nikki still complaining about dancing.

Next thing we know, the asian spice girls are bringing the bachelorettes on stage and everyone is spanking themselves. The crowd is going NUTS. Neon, screaming, loud music, flashing lights, America is suddenly having vague flashbacks of boys bid night freshmen year.

Nikki, not to be confused with a good dancer, frowns the entire time.

Juan,  who can barely speak English, proceeds to sing fluently in Korean.

"Yeah, I danced with Korean's most popular K-Pop group! That's incredible! Who can say that?!" -Chelsie, a true embracer of #tooblessedtobestressed.

Speed up to nighttime. Girls and Pabs are at the house, all in cocktail attire. A single rose lies on the table.

Kat, to the camera, says, "I need Juan to know I'm more than just a fun girl. There is more to me." Kat goes into mad detail about her dad, an alcoholic, and how she's always been strong and successful. Despite her efforts, I can only say that when a girl HAS to say she is a specific something, she is most likely not that something.

My crush doesn't think I'm deep, white girl problems #6.

While Kat attempts to get Juan to think she is an ancient Greek Philosopher, Nikki engages in some old fashioned gossip back with the other girls. "Kat is one way with us, and then she's all 'who wants some guacamole' when Juan's around. There's NO WAY that's real."

and now I feel offended because Nikki is personally attacking Guacamole????????

Every girl in the house has told the camera that Nikki is two-faced and evil. We can all now expect Nikki to win this season of The Bachelor, as we know how the straight male population is with dominant, mean girls. #Vienna #TheBitchesAlwaysWin

I'm not bitchy enough to win the men over, white girl problems #7

Once the witch in the house has been identified, the "I don't want to gossip, but..." type girls surface in the snow. They begin to warn Juan about Nikki.

Sharleen gets the one-on-one date.

Now, I think Sharleen is truly stunning. However... she is so indifferent to this whole thing. I mean, I don't blame her, I'm not wild about Juan either, but I think there needs to be at least a TINY bit of interest on her part.

Cut to some other time in the night (weird editing, ABC producers???????) to Juan giving Nikki a rose. (what did I tell you....)

Back to the announcement of Shar's one-on-one date. Now we have Courtney Kerr, I mean Juan in a shower scene shot, prepping for his date with Sharleen. The camera shows Shar in her rollers. She looks glamourous even when she doesn't look glamorous; it's extremely rude.

Now Sharleen, her perfect blown out waves, and Juan are walking through the Asian market. This actually does look like fun date. Walking in a strange city trying strange foods? SIGN ME UP, HONEY.

Cut to girls back at the house. It's prime girl-time as the girls gossip and paint their nails. They all reiterate how Sharleen has blatantly said that she and Juan have boring conversation, and that she hasn't felt a connection. (LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL me and Shar share need to grab a drink drink)

I'm starting to see a fatter, homelier, less musically-inclined version of myself in Shar.

Cut back to the date. Shar tries her damnedest to make some sort of connection with Juan. She is literally pulling teeth. They sit across a small table together. They talk about how she began singing as a young girl. "If there was a degree in soccer, I would have dat," Juan says, puffing up his feathers and ego, not to be one-upped.

Shar comments that Juan has a smart-ass side to him. UM???????????? YOU WISH HE WAS A SMART ASS, HONEY. YOU ARE DYING FOR THERE TO BE SOME SORT OF EDGE, PASSION, OR EMOTION BETWEEN YOU AND JUAN.

My boyfriend's not a smart ass, white girl problems #8

"It makes you interesting and not bland, that you're a smart ass," says Shar.

Juan doesn't speak english so she had to help him out with the definition of "bland," assuring him that he is NOT bland, and the food they ate was NOT bland.

She tells the camera that Juan is more fun than expected and that the day was effortless.

*rolls eyes*

She sings for him. "Bella," he says. Then they kiss. He bit her lip. I said, "Ouch," out loud. She tells the camera he is a good kisser.

Sharleen, the LEAST weird person I've ever seen in my life, pulls the "I'm a cute dork" card, as she assures Juan she's weird over dinner.

Okay. Okay. I've about seen enough.

Then Juan goes into detail about how his dad left him in Venezuela or something. I'm a little confused about the details. ABC definitely edited out the meat of that story. Because they obviously had to leave in the IMPORTANT parts of the conversation: when Juan asks how many kids she wants.

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN.

Honey-badger Shar Shar doesn't really care about having lil niños!!!!!!! She ALL but said "I effing hate children."

Juan claims to appreciate the fact that she is a heartless robot who doesn't want to reproduce, and he gives her a rose. And kisses her.

COMMERCIAL BREAK BEFORE THINGS CAN GET ANY RACIER, THANK YOU ABC, THIS IS A FAMILY CHANNEL, WOW, GAWD, SHEESH.

Now it's group date time. The date card reads, "Krazy in Korea" The Kardashians are somewhere in the world, watching and smiling to themselves.

They end up singing karaoke and dancing in an overly floral, sketchy building. This looks exactly like the 5th floor of a 7 story discoteca I went to in Madrid called El Kapital, but that's another story.

El Kapital in Madrid. 5th floor not shown.

Juan takes the girls to get a pedicure, the kind that involves putting your phalanges in a bowl of piranhas.

My boyfriend is forcing me to get a pedicure, white girl problems #9

Now they're eating Octopus. A cuisine that Clare has expressed to be timid towards.

"This is the epitome of my fears," said Clare about the food, a woman so strong she doesn't worry about undergoing fears of normal, pitiful women. Fears like rape, death of loved ones, kidnapping, or murder. We really admire you for facing your fears of eating, Clare.

Dog lover, reports on Clare eating Octopus.

 "Herpes literally this big."

CUT TO LATER IN THE NIGHT, I CAN BARELY KEEP UP WITH THE A.D.H.D. EDITING BY THE PRODUCERS. Rennee wants to kiss Juan. Now Juan is worried about his daughter seeing him kiss too many women. He decides to draw the line at 6 (SAME HERE JUAN, I ALWAYS STOP AT SIX WHEN I'VE DATED A SUCCESSION OF MEN IN A SHORT TIME SPAN). He doesn't let Rennee kiss him. Remember this for later on.

Now Andi's ombre hair is finally getting alone time with Juan. We learn two things during this time. One) Juan cannot say "excuse me" and two) he likes to sleep in. Another fascinating portion of alone time this season on The Bachelor.

ECYEW ME?

Juan says Andi is "bella" and "perfect." BECAUSE HE HAS NEVER SAID THAT ABOUT ONE OF THE GIRLS BEFORE.

Cut to later in the night and INCOMING, WE HAVE A CRYING GIRL ON OUR HANDS.

Lauren, the music composer from Austin, cries to Juan. This part was almost as forgettable as Lauren. Moving on.
"Clare is very possessive of Juan. She's like, 'Is that a bad thing?!' I mean it's not... if you're a dog." -another profound statement by the professional Dog Lover.

Clare is alone with Juan, tells him how she threw up in her mouth and then swallowed it, after trying Octopus.

Charming.

Now things take a turn as the topic of kissing arises. Juan confirms he likes the "no kissing" policy that she established their 2nd date.

2 minutes later:

They are kissing. Tongues flying. Juan to the camera, "I know I said I wasn't going to kiss anymore, but she is so sexy, I am helpless, those lips, iy yi yi."

Ecyew me, Juan??? You're ridiculous.

Cue the Asian flute music. It's ceremony time.

Cassandra looks fierce and fabulous in a bright one shoulder chiffon gown, paired with a statement necklace and equally colorful lipstick. I cannot find a picture of her from this night on the interwebs.

Nikki crashes Clare's alone time with Juan. He hints that other girls say she is spawn of Satan. She gets really offensive, as innocent people usually do..............

She leaves Juan. She finds The Dog Lover. She confides. Clare walks up. Tensions are high. Dog Lover says, "I feel awkward sitting between you two."They are all sharing a blanket. The claws are out. Clare calls Nikki out on being two-faced. Nikki's face twists. Words are exchanged. Bonds are broken. Lives are lost.

Now it's time to send some girls back to the 'Merica's. Juan proceeds to pass out teensy baby rose buds out to the girls he still wants to kiss.

One of the girls from tonight's episode, holding her thriving blossom from Juan.

Clare receives a rose. Nikki purses her lips.

ONE ROSE LEFT. It seems like there are still 192 girls left. OMG WHO WILL GET IT I'M SWEATING.

He calls Kat.

Which means Elise and her sequin mini-skirt / chiffon maxi creation are headed back to Forty-Fort. She cries. She looks like a less hip-talented version of Shakira.

I am from a town called Forty-Fort, white girl problems #10

This also mean Lauren is going home. She gave Juan a half-ass hug as she walked out. She cries to the camera, and beats herself up for asking Juan to kiss her the other night. Lollllllllll #nottragicatall

Juan toasts to the remaining women, then as you can see in the following Vine I captured, mourns the loss of the women he just sent home.

images: http://www.aceshowbiz.com, oneasiaa.wordpress.com , www.grupo-kapital.com, www.tastewiththeeyes.com