The 5 Best Things About Going to a Miley Concert

As a young person in the workplace, I often receive a lot of flack. A lack of life experience and understanding of movie quotes pre-90s means you are the brunt of all office jokes. So what do I do to remedy this curse? GO TO A MILEY CYRUS CONCERT. BECAUSE THAT IS CLEARLY THE ANSWER TO EARN RESPECT AS A MILLENNIAL IN THE WORKFORCE.

It is what it is. When your high school besties group text you asking, "Miley concert?" your answer should always be yes. Besides, I'm twenty-two. If there is ever a time in your life when you can get away with going to a Miley concert, it's when you're twenty-two or fifteen whtvr

So since the damage is done, I came, I saw, I twerked, I'd like to take a moment to reflect on my youth/last weekend and rehash my favorite parts of experiencing a Miley concert.

Favorite part #5: When Miley flew through the sky on a hot dog

My phone died in the beginning of the concert #worstthingever, but I managed to capture this important moment in time. What is better in life than witnessing a flying hot dog?????? I've yet to think of even ONE thing.

Favorite moment #4: When "Tesselate" by Alt J started playing

I love me some Alt J. Whoever the #Bangerz production designers hired as a video/graphic designer to create this little kaleidascopal vid, did a great job. I mean, what do I know, but I enjoyed it. Me and  all the nearby 14 year olds.

Fave #3: Being reminded that I'm a 90's bitch

So there's that. I own that. That's mine. I thought it was A GREAT idea at the time. I even stood in line and paid $40 for it. I said THIS SHIRT MUST BE THE BEST INVENTION SINCE PB2, YES, MY ANSWER IS YES. 

Now that I'm a week older and wiser and broker the question that must be asked is, WHY, AUGUSTA, WHY??? WHERE WILL YOU EVER WHERE A SHIRT THAT SAYS "BITCH"?????????? 

Regrets aside, seeing Icona Pop was a mildly surreal feeling because I associate "I love it" with graduating college/last semester of senior year in undergrad, and that, my friend, is a beautiful memory.

#iboughtaIMA90SBITCHtshirt #IDONTCARE #ILOVEIT 

Fave part #2: Hanging out with old friends.

All of our phones are dying after the Miley concert #WhiteGirlProblems

Love these ratchets. #meow

There are only a handful of people on this earth that you can completely be your weird, unfiltered self around. I've known these two girls since diapers. They know me so well it's disgusting--BUT SO BEAUTIFUL. On the plus side, I can literally do/be/say anything around them and not feel judged. Which is wonderful, because I'm a respectable woman at a Miley Cyrus concert and I need not feel judged in this hard time.

On the down side, they're so used to me, I'm really not that funny to them anymore. They laugh at my jokes, of course, but I'm not the same level of funny to them, that I might be to a person I just met (IF THAT MAKES ANY SENSE). They're so immune to my isms/quirks/sayings, they can easily listen to me talk to myself in a 2 AM cab ride and neither judge it nor laugh at it.

Anyways. Spending a weekend in San Antonio with these two weirdos was like a week of spring break packed into two LOADED days. Hashtag no sleep hashtag no sobriety hashtag how'd we end up in the VIP section? hashtag where's kenzie? hashtag where am I? hashtag i'm hungry hashtag how do people live in a town without uber hashtag i'm scared hashtag SELLEENNNASSS hashtag so much for my bustier

My favorite memory with these girls was about the last ten minutes before saying goodbye Sunday afternoon. We were in the bathroom of Magnolia's Pancake House, where we brunched, and I managed to laugh so hard I cried at something only the three of us would understand. ahhh, momentzzz<3

#1 Best part of the BANGERZ tour

THE FAMOUS TONGUE

It's hard to top being with my girls, but there is only one thing that could be my favorite #MileyMoment. It was so refreshing being in a place surrounded by accepting people. Of course the people at the concert were enthusiastic about the show, but it wasn't just them.

People we met at miscellaneous restaurants and bars around San Antonio had the same positive reaction. Whenever it was mentioned that my friends and I were in town to see Miley, the reaction was always "How exciting! That's going to be so fun--you'll have a blast!" Or "I'm SO jealous!!" Or "That's going to be wild!"

And you know what? I bet the people at the concert, and the people we talked to, aren't all psycho Miley-obsessed freaks. They're normal people with normal values in life. They're just accepting of things that don't align with that. Miley is a weird little nugget, there is no doubt in my mind, but instead of being surrounded by negative Nancies who only put it down, I was around people who embraced the weird and encouraged the freak flag.

Wear an unflattering leotard? Sure. Twerk in front of a stadium-size kitten? Why not???? Fly on hot dog? Hell yeah.

You go, Miley. You do your weird thang. I'm gonna Instagram it.

Some more wonderfully weird memories:

The Bachelor Season 18 Finale: I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T

CONGRATZ 2 THA HAPPY COUPLE!!! THEY'RE IN LIKE!!!!

Chris said this is one of the most dramatic and surprising finales they've ever had on the show, of Juan's final chapter in finding love. Final chapter????????????? does he die???????????????

Hi Saint Lucia. Let's meet Juan's family.

Clare appears with flowers. Hmmmmm yellow roses, mean friends, red means love, ..... what color means "I had sex with your son already but I swear I'm classy." ???????????????

Juan's sister is pregnant. Camilla is so cute and bubbly. I just feel like everything Clare says is an act. I don't think she's stupid--I think she's manipulative. All she talks about is how she loves Juan but she can't articulate what exactly it is about him she so captivated by.

Then Clare gets awkward as she shares with the classroom, "My mom's mexican but I don't speak spanish."

oh THAT'S A GREAT IDEA TO TELL A BILINGUAL FAMILY. ALSO, WHY DO YOU SUCK????

Now Clare is on a one-on-one date with Juan's madre (MADRE MEANS MOM IN SPANISH, CLARE). The mom dyes her hair dark red.

Mom says Juan is "hyperactive."

okay....(?)

Then she asks, "How do you feel about your communication with Juan Pablo?

HAHA

"I love it." -Clare.

DO YOU???? DO YOU LOVE IT????

"I mean, once he made me cry." -Clare

"Me too" -Juan's mom.

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE. PAUSE. WAIT. I'M SORRY. EXCUSE ME?????

I'm not an expert in relationships or men, but typically, I think, when the mom of the supposed man you want to marry makes it a point to tell her (the first time you meet her) that said man MAKES HER CRY..........................i think this is what one might call a ~*~red flag~*~

"I can't describe how comforting it was to talk to Juan's mom." -Clare.

WHAT/???? DID SHE HAVE A DIFFERENT CONVERSATION THAN THE ONE I JUST WITNESSED????????

Now the cousin is interrogating her. She says she is falling for him. This cousin has braces. Rodolfo, asks all the questions and Clare tells him everything he wants to hear.

Now Rodolfo sits with Juan.
"How do you feel with Clare?"
"Very good."

insightful.

Juan's dad and Clare sit together.
Juan's padre was VERY LOVING to Clare. Almost weird???? He was telling Clare he loves her no matter what and I'm just like HI, SHE HASN'T WON YET, SIR.

Juan and Clare finally get alone time, where they get to share some steamy besitos.

She says she can see herself with Juan's family FOR. EV. VER.

We're back with Juan and his family waiting on Nikki to arrive. The cousin is very enthusiastic about this. It is understood that this cousin plans to land whichever chica Juan turns down.

Nikki's french-braided bangs circa Laguna beach 2006 and dove-back tattoo arrive.

Nikki also brought flowers to the family. I would have brought wine. Flowers is fine but wine is what people actually want.

Then Nikki recaps her past few weeks with Juan by naming cities. I felt like I was in a geography lesson. Camilla is picking her nose.

Nikki sits alone with Juan's dad. He asks her how she feels about Juan being a single dad. Her answer makes me feel like she is in a beauty pageant and was just asked about Syria. She trips over her words and says "probably" a lot.

Nikki, answering Juan's parent's questions

Nikki and Juan's mom.
Nikki's mom assures Nikki that Juan is a really simple guy. Watches TV and hangs out with his daughter. JUAN????? SIMPLE?????????? GET OUT OF TOWN.

Nikki assures the mom that she is in love with him.

Cousin time.
"I don't think I need to know everything about someone to love them." That is also not an excuse to "fall in love" on a TV show.

He asks her if she can take the fighting. If she will stay with him when times are rough, because apparently Juan is quick to walk out when the going gets rough.

OH GREAT BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO HEAR WHEN I MEET MY FUTURE HUSBAND'S COUSIN FOR THE FIRST TIME GREAT.

Nikki and Juan find alone time on a little bench. More kisses involved. Cue yawn.

Recap:

Nikki and Clare both are dying to marry Juan. No one has yet to understand exactly why. Juan is equally confused. He literally asks, "Can I keep both? but really he, he asked this. 

Back at the live studio audience....

Now Chris thinks it's necessary to ask women (and randomly poor straight man) their opinion of the situation. The first woman thinks it's "going south fast." The straight man, clearly aloof to everything around him, said "I think it's going well." The straight man's wife stands up and shares her thoughts. She says she can't "get a read on Juan" because "everything's okay all the time."

Chris rushes away. The next girl wears pink Kendra Scott earrings. She thinks Clare would "work out better with Juan, but it wouldn't last with either girl."

Then we see faces of bachelor season past. Dog lover is here. No sign of dog  yet.

Catherine, her bangs, and Sean are there.

Chris said the night is about to come to a dramatic end (ok, what, does someone die??? like this is reality TV, I've seen Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, what kind of dramatic end are we talking about here), and that Nikki's date is 'nothing like we've ever seen before.'

Clare runs up to Juan. Serious piano music is in the air. It's really windy where they're standing. I'm eating frozen yogurt. My throat hurts. They get on a helicopter.

They ascend in the air.

Monologue time. Juan only talks about Clare. All the words every gurl wantz 2 hear, he says....."Hot. SExy. Cute. Ay yi yi."

...ugh... he is such a pig. He does not have the bandwidth in his brain to concentrate on a woman on a mental/emotional NON PHYSICAL LEVEL.

Then as the plane lands AND SH!T. GETS. SO. REAL.

 Clare tells the camera that she and Juan had a moment alone on the helicopter, no cameras, and he said "something that no one wants to hear." That he really doesn't know her and something sexual that was offensive, insulting, and made her feel awful. She won't even repeat it.

YOU BETTER REPEAT IT WOMAN SPIT IT OUT WHAT DID THE MAN SAY

She says "I'm not just an object. Do I have him all wrong? Maybe he's not the man I thought he was."

HOLY HELL WHAT WAS SAID 

And then the trailer for Malefiscent comes on and I'm like wow I ccccaaaaannnnnooottttt freaking wait 4 daaattt

Clare says something to the effect of "He loved hooking up with her" and something else she STILL she won't repeat.

HE CALLED HER FAT I KNOW IT

We see her crying on her bed before Juan comes over. When Juan walks in, the first thing he asks for is "besitos." She does not give in. The live audience cheers. They sit on the couch. She continues on a really validated speech that she's pissed he said he doesn't know her well enough and that she wants more than a physical relationship.

All Clare wants to know is if he sees her more than just a pretty face slash you know what I mean. His asnwers are so beat-around-the-bush that he just makes everything more confusing. --->TYPICAL OF JUAN. SOOO TYPICAL. icannotfreakingstandhim.

He tells Clare to not blame the fact that they kissed on the show on him because "she broke her own rule."

EXCUSE ME????? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY BLAMING CLARE FOR Y'ALLS KISSING??? STOP I CAN'T.

Juan ends up convincing her he likes her more than just physically. Blah blah blah now she's giggling. Now they're all cuddly.

So apparently whatever offensive thing Juan told her in the airplane is long forgotten now...................

OH GOD THEN JUAN PULLS A SMOOTH ONE AND BUSTS OUT THEIR SONG ON THE IPHONE. NO GIRL CAN HANDLE THAT KIND OF PERSUASION. #OURSONG #MUSICANDFEELINGS

Clare boldly states, "JuSt pLaY tHaT wHeN wE gEt MarRiEd, tee hee!"

Juan leaves, and Clare tells the camera, "I know that we have something special." Another one liner, she said she doesn't want a rose, she wants forever.

Me, on the other hand, would be fine with recieving roses and waiting on the forever.

Now Sharleen, stunning in her dark purple lipstick, makes a solid observation about how Clare should have stuck to her guns and stayed mad at him. America agrees. Sean, the bachelor from 2013, agrees. Juan probably agrees.

Time for the last date with Nikki. She comes out in a swimsuit, so it's probably safe to say she will win this season.

Nikki tells him she wishes he wasn't so guarded and that she wishes he would open up. He assures her he's not guarded and that when he feels something, he will open up.

ALSO KNOWN AS, HE FEELS NOTHING FOR YOU, NIKKI. Do you realize that, Nik Nik? HE BOLDLY STATES THAT HE FEELS NOTHING, SAYS NOTHING.

It is at this exact moment we realize just how low Nikki's self esteem really is. No self respecting human being would continue with Juan at this point.

AND CAN YOU NOT WITH HER EAR, PLZ?????????????


Then comes her monologue to the camera where she says she just doesn't know where he stands. NO ONE DOES, HONEY.

THERE IS A BETTER CHANCE OF FINDING THE MALAYSIAN JETLINER BEFORE FINDING WHERE "JUAN STANDS" OR FINDING "JUAN'S BRAIN"

Now it's nightfall. Nikki wears an extremely fitted white dress, no doubt trying to put the idea of BRIDE in his mind. They have intensely awkward conversation. Nikki stares into space. It is so obvious she's pissed about something but Juan misses all obvious signals to tell her how he feels.

No. You know what? He doesn't miss the signals. He knows EXACTLY how she feels and that she's pissed. He just doesn't care enough to do something about it. So he is going to pretend that everything is YOU GUESSED IT "okay."

Then Juan says "It's gonna be okay."

e w

AND THEN. despite all the red flags, bad feelings, and lack of connection to Juan, she gives him a hand written letter (which he reads in front of her--painful) and a framed picture of them.

HE KISSES HER ON THE CHEEK AND SHE IS CLEARLY PISSED EVEN STILL.

THEY PROCEED TO SHARE REALLY AWKWARD AND BORING KISSES AND MY MUSCLES FEEL VERY TWITCHY WATCHING THIS GO DOWN.

This goes on for seemingly 5 more years. I think she is crying. Juan kisses her and she just let's him. She is still pissed. Juan acts like everything is fine. He leaves.

THEN SHE CRIES ON THE COUCH OMG THIS IS LIKE REALLY SAD. she sits there alone on the couch all dressed up with nowhere to go, crying alone.

RECAP:
Both girls cried on their last date with Juan. BOY OH BOY CAN'T WAIT 2 SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH HIM~*~*~*~*~*~~* Update: both still "love" him and want to marry him.

BACK FROM COMMERCIAL BREAK LET'S DO THIS.

Juan stares into a Neil Lane ring. Clare wears aqua blue, while Nikki chooses a royal blue get up. Juan wears a navy suit. Is this boarding school, why is everyone wearing 50 shades of blue right now???????

No music is playing as the boat pulls up to the shore. weird??? Still no music plays as Clare walks up to Chris on the island.

OH GOD IS SHE THE FIRST TO LEAVE? DOESN'T THE FIRST GIRL ALWAYS GET TOLD GOODBYE???????????/ THIS IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN ISN'T IT. OH GOD

clare is telling the camera a bunch of gooey things STOP, HONEY YOUR ASS IS ABOUT TO GET DUMPED. oh hell now she is talking about her dad. HER DECEASED FATHER. Juan is smiling like an idiot.

IS HE ABOUT TO PROPOSE??? I CAN'T FIGURE OUT THAT FACE. Clare said Juan said he has no doubts.

UPDATE: I OFFICIALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHO HE IS GOING TO PROPOSE TO.

Then for some reason she starts talking. STOP TALKING. LET HIM TALK. Her eyes look different tonight????? How did she do that??? Is that just me??? Maybe she's born iwth it???/ she keeps gushing on and on and on and on

CLARE. SHUT. UP. SHUTUPSHUTPSHUTPUP

Juan speaks. "Ups and downs.... communicate.... wanted you here..... you're unbelievable.... amazing woman......hardest decision ever..........have to follow what's best for me...... apppreciate you being here... but have to say goodbye."

He tries to hug her. AND THEN CLARE WINS EVERYONE'S RESPECT IMMEDIATELY.
SHE STOPS HIM. OH HELL YES. YOU GO GIRL. SHOVE HIM IN THAT SAND. OH YOU BAD YOU KNOW IT.

North America, watching Clare shut down Juan's hug.

Now she is going off on him. She said, "I believed in us." :((((((( "I thought I knew what man you were."

"What you just put me thourgh???? I would never want my children having a father like you."

OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK

"I'm glad I didn't pick her." -Juan

I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE STICKING UP FOR CLARE BUT YES I DEFINITELY AM.

He really did lead her on. He told her everything she wanted to hear. He made her feel exactly how he wanted her to feel to keep her hanging on.

"Where's that man that would fight for me?" oooooo killa

Back from commercial break, Chris makes sure to say the words "Neil Lane" loud and clear. #productplacement #iseewhatyouredoingthere

NOW NIKKI ARRIVES ON A BOAT.

Ummm where the hell is the front of that dress??? Why are her bare legs showing???? No. no. That slit is way too high, just no. She continues to walk down the miles long path tugging her dress down. It's making me uncomfortable. Her monologue to the camera says the word "engaged" at least 7 times.

you. only. want. to. be. engaged.

If this girl was irrevocably in love with things about Juan, she would be talking about those things. She would be telling the camera how he makes her feel. Or things about him that she can't stop thinking about. instead she says "ring" and "engage" and words that are probably sprinkled all over her Pinterest board.

She confesses to Juan that she loves him. whoopeee. DOES HE RECIPROCATE? OHHH NO. BUT DON'T WORRY NIKKI, BECAUSE HE LIKES YOU A LOT. #EVERYGIRLSDREAM

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE 

....Or more accurately titled "Juan's Death Sentence"

Chris welcomes and prepares us for the most dramatic show "he's witnessed in all his twelve years hosting" ok ok yeah yeah yeah just get on with it damn it.

Clare comes out in a black leather dress, no doubt still in mourning. Chris stays very quiet in the interview. He asks in asks her no questions. #TakingNotesOnHowPeopleInterview. He lets her talk. She recalls her final moments with Juan on the show.

He asks, "Why did you stay?" WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION, YEAH, WHY T.F. DID YOU STAY CLARE???  She reveals Juan nots the man she thought he was.

She said she had never stood up to a man before. That when Juan dumped her, it was pivotal for her.

Well, Clare, it was also pivotal for everyone on the couch watching. Because it was precisely at that moment we all gained respect for you.

Juan's on next. God be with him.

He walks out and people actually clap??? Ew... Juan said he's had a hard time because of Venezuela. Meanwhile, I have no idea what's gong on in Venezuela.

Chris asks if Juan regrets anything. He answers in the most convoluted way possible. Talks in circles. Chris realizes it's going nowhere. He asks Juan to talk about Clare.

"I don't like talking much about private things."

OKAY.

Chris asks Juan if he regrets what he told her in the helicopter. He starts talking, all blah blah blah, the most run-around answer.

"So no regrets?"
"It's fine."

HOW DOES NIKKI DO THIS?????? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

Nikki comes out. She looks stunning. She expresses she's in love with him but that she doesn't know if he's in love with her, but "she hopes so."

ARE YOU MENTALLY

Chris proceeds to ask her the same question in three different ways. She says she's happy in a relationship, UM NO YOU'RE DESPERATE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

Now the idiot comes back out and sits with his idiot girlfriend.

He talks so much and yet says nothing. This man produces nothing but noise.

"Yeah, but how do you feel about her?" Chris presses on.
Juan babbles.
"So you love her?"
Juan refuses to answer.

Then Juan awkwardly tells Chris that he "interupted him" immmmmm??? DON'T TALK DOWN TO CHRIS, JUAN.

Sean starts talking and reveals that he couldn't wait to tell Catherine that he was in love with her. Camera zoom on Nikki's face.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND, IS NIKKI BEING PAID???? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

"I don't know what I'm looking at." -Chris in regards to Juan and Nikki

HAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAHAHAA

Then Nikki starts to take up for Juan as to why he doesn't love her still. She says, "this is a real relationship" NO. IT. IS. NOT.

Chris asks how long she will give Juan to fall in love with her. He asks where their relationship is going. Juan speaks up with his annoying voice, and says the following:

alllllright juan. allllllright.

"Hate to burst your bubble, but it's not private after the show." -Sean.

"We'll figure it out." -Juan.

Don't slap the hand that fed you. -Catherine BOOOOOMMMM.

me immediately after Catherine, YES CATHERINE, TELL EM

Chris proceeds to spell out what this phrase means to Juan, the way someone would to a 5th grader.

"I stay true to myself, 100% honest, two months filming, producers know me, once that ended, then done airing, that point on, after all spoken about myself, we just want to keep to ourself, we understand you want to know, eventually you'll know, you know?" -Juan.

"This is a Bachelor first. Easily." -Chris.

CHRIS AND JUAN HATE EACH OTHER AND AMERICA IS EATING IT UP THIS IS GREAT

Time to introduce the new bachelorette:

HERE SHE IS!!!!!!!!!!

jk.
we all wish.

CSI Miami bounty hunter Andi comes out. She talks about how excited she is, never thought this could happen, etc yah dah ya dah, and, "I COULD LIKE BE ENGAGED BY SUMMER!~!~!~!~!"

She sports a mini sequin dress because it is new years eve.

Chris reminds Andi that the show is on TV, (stabs Juan) to not be afraid to express her emotions, (deep stab into Juan) and don't be afraid to say you're in love when you feel it (and twists the knife. HELL YES, CHRIS, YOU DA MAN, YOU DA FREAKIN MAN.)

Andi plays the cute/nervous card. She was never this nervous on the show, why is she acting like she's never been on TV before? Or like this is the first day of high school??? She is trying so hard to be endearing and it's making me a little sick.

See you next season, Andi, Americans, and boyfriends of Bachelor-obsessed-girlfriends*

Blogging this season of The Bachelor was more fun than I had anticipated when I embarked on this magical journey.  Thank you to everyone who read the blogs, commented on my Facebook statuses, liked my posts, or did any sort of encouragement. Blogging about Juan was a stress relief, joy, and creative outlet for me. Many warm wishes to you and yours, and always remember........ "Is Okay"

The Bachelor Episode 10: The Sharks Tell All & Ees Okay

In the real world, Russia is declaring war on the Ukraine, causing international markets to fall, Obama considers diplomatic steps to "isolate Russia," and Syria has now added "gang fights" to their ever growing list of economic problems.

However, deep in the heart of reality TV drama and rose gardens lies the world's next life-or-death decision: who will Juan Pablo give a final rose to?

Let's continue with this serious question in mind.

Finally, it's time for everyone's favorite episode. The Bachelor Sharks Tell All.

But first things first. We need to bring out the last successful couple that ABC churned out of the woodwork. Sean and Catherine. America is especially interested in this couple because Sean was a virgin and we live in a sad world where things of this sort are rare and often frowned upon.

Ahh, Sean and Catherine enter the room, as a cloud of newlywed particles and fairy dust radiate their aura. And since I'm a girl, and because I'm a bitch, I think I should point out that Catherine looks like she's gained some healthy pounds. Just some more double stuff to her Oreo.

Chris starts out with normal questions. Like how's married life, etc. Catherine states that because she's a girl, she likes to try out new things, new adventures,.............................. so like "get fat" and "let yourself go." We understand, Cathy.

In other news, Sean still looks like he is 16.

No more wasting time. Chris cuts right to the chase and brings up their wedding night. "Let's hear about the first time you fornicated," was I think what he said.

Here is the quick rundown of the 
first time Catherine & Sean did it

Catherine: romantic

Sean: fireworks

Catherine: QUICK fireworks

Chris: Welcome to the club

I AM DEAD. I am laughing out loud and I died. Catherine--you're kind of a monster for telling that to the nation, even if it was funny and playful. Just because you have Zooey D bangs doesn't mean you're cute enough to put your husband down.

COOL BANGS YA BETCH. I BET SEAN REALLY LOVED YOUR BANGS AFTER YOU HUMILIATED HIM IN FRONT OF THE HUMAN RACE.

You will never be the perfect bang ratio, Catherine.

Any who. Now we have Sean talking about the part of his honeymoon where a Sting Ray latched onto his man parts. Bruising involved.

Taken just moments later, post latching incident. 

Sean and Catherine state they're back in Dallas, living married life. They go to my church, but I've yet to bump into them. I'll be sure to never mention this blog to them, should the moment come.

Catherine kiddingly states that Sean is old and it's time to start having kids. WHAT OTHER RUTHLESS, CRUEL REMARKS WOULD YOU LIKE TO THROW AT SEAN??? LET'S JUST GET IT ALL OUT, CATHERINE. HERE, TAKE THIS BASEBALL BAT TO HELP YOU.

Jokes aside, they truly are happy and obsessed with each other. Stay abstinent, kids.

Then something I wasn't mentally prepared for happens.

Enter: EXTREMELY weird cameo with The Muppets.

End scene.

Now we see the sharks from this season of The Bachelor. They're all dressed in your typical clubwear attire. Except for the ever-stunning Sharlene, who looks like she just left a wedding in which she was a bridesmaid.

Note that Dog Lover BROUGHT A DOG.

Rennee, are you Mexican now? Why are you so tan.

#PerfectlyBronzedFaces #BobbiBrownNumberTwo

Chris said that Juan has his moments. Then comes the playbacks of awkward scenes form this season, where all the girls feel embarrassment for once liking Juan.

We see Danielle with blonde hair. Dani, you are not beyonce just because you're a black girl with blonde hair.

And who are the women in this crowd? These women ages 55-65?? Moms of the girls? Aunts? Who are these people that want to see this show live???

Chris pressures the girls with questions about Juan and how this season went. All of them whine about how hard it was to relate to him and how he was "checked out."

CHECKED OUT??????? HE IS A LITTLE SLOW, OKAY, HE ISN'T COMATOSE???????

Then we see Dog Lover calling out Lauren for being different right no than she was in the house. Woof, dog lover, easy with the drama tonight. Chris is not afraid to put a shock collar on you.

Andi announces these girls were interested in finding a husband and Juan Pablo was only interested in finding a girlfriend.

WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY???????? GIRLS INTERESTED IN GETTING ENGAGED AND JUMPING INTO A MARRIAGE????????? A MAN NOT WANTING TO COMMIT?????????????????????? I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF SUCH THINGS????????????????? HOW COULD ANDI GET AWAY WITH MAKING SUCH BLASPHEMOUS ACCUSATIONS AND ACTS OF SLANDER????????????????????????????????????????????????

Thought: why is Rennee single? Why would someone divorce her?????

Cassandra, a girl my age, stuns in violet lipstick and perfect bronzer contouring. You go, oh wee one on the show.

Dog Lover is ALL UP IN A TIZZY tonight. She be looking for every opportunity to call Juan or one of the girls out on something they did or didn't do. #thatlooksexhausting

In a weird turn of events that doesn't involve tears for once, all of these girls completely condone Clare for sleeping with Juan in the ocean. I am using the word condone correctly. "We just didn't think of it." -Kat. "If I had felt a connection, I would have done the same thing." -Andi. So that is different. And unique.

Now Sharlene comes to the podium and judge Chris begins the interrogation.
He says she is the most intrigueing person. Chris, like me and the rest of America, has a crush on Sharlene.

Now time for the mash-up of clips showing Sharlene's experience in the season. My favorite part is when they show the replay of the season, then in the corner of the screen, you see the girl's face in real time.

We see Sharlene being committed to Juan and then wishy washy, then kissing him, then confused, then really into him, then not into him at all. Then plays the scene where she breaks up with him. True to form, we then see the scene of her regretting breaking up with him.

THIS WOMAN HAS OFFICIALLY CHANGED HER MIND MORE IN THE PAST 30 SECONDS THAN THE NUMBER OF OSCARS MERYLL HAS BEEN NOMINATED FOR.

Sharlene and Chris discuss how she and Juan had some mad sexual chemistry but nothing else. "Every women has had a solely physical relationship," -Shar

*gif of fifty-something women in the crowd nodding with reminiscent gleams in their eyes*

Then Chris reaveals to Sharlene that she was always one of Juan's favorites. The sharks nod and give testimony confirming his claim.

Next up: Rennee gets the hot seat.
When asked if she has a boyfriend, Rennee says, "I'm in a situation that I'm happy with."

I felt the exact same way when I bought macaroons at Marshall's the other day. You read that correctly. Marshall's, like the other T.J.Maxx. Macaroons. 

Now it's time for Chris and Andi to have their one-on-one.
Andi tells Chris everything we've already heard. No connection with Juan. Accent. Speech barrier. Mental Barrier. "It's okay" is annoying. Hot, but "not all there." Not interested in getting to know her. Etc.

Can we all just take a second to remember that YOU WERE INTO HIM, ANDI. YOU WERE FALLING FOR HIM.

"I will keep searching for that great love." Yeah, I WOULD TOO IF ABC WAS PAYING ME FOR IT. We all know she is probably the #FutureBachelorette.

The time as come for Juan Pabs to enter the shark tank.
"Would you change anything? Articulate anything? Say it differently?" -Chris. hahahaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaaaaa.

Poor Juan. I really do feel bad for him. I mean, I do, but I don't. It's kind of how I feel about women who bring babies into bars. It's like.....man, I feel bad for your situation right now but also you did this to yourself.

That was probably the worst simile to use, but let's move on from that.

So now Lauren gets the first question for Juan. NEWS FLASH, L. HE DIDN'T LIKE YOU NOR WANT TO KISS YOU, AND THAT'S THE END OF THE STORY, BUT PLEASE, BY ALL MEANS, BADGER THIS TO DEATH, AND EMBARRASS YOURSELF, PLEASE.

She says she didn't mean to make him feel awkward, but she is quite seriously making me feel awkward.

Now Cassaundra is attacking Juan for going to Rennee's hometown. Like, WHY? WHY DO YOU CARE HE WENT TO HER HOMETOWN????? HE LIKED HER. WHY DOES THIS KEEP YOU UP AT NIGHT, CASS. YOU HAVE A CHILD TO TAKE CARE OF. YOU'RE LIKE FOUR she's my age whatever just let me rant

I am a little sweaty, like I'm getting hot, poor Juan is dying out there, literally being eaten alive. SOMEONE THROW HIM A LIFE VEST.

Then someone named Chantel starts speaking up about "fair and unfair" and honestly like WHO ARE YOU???????????????

Another girl we don't remember starts talking. I'm starting to feel like I'm at a big family reunion where people I'm supposed to know start giving their unwarranted opinion on things.

Alli dives into the "fair/unfair" discussion, in which the girls struggle to come to a conclusion exactly when Juan was fair and when he wasn't fair in multiple situations throughout the show, like kissing girls, using "honesty" as an excuse for everything, saying "it's okay," and finally, for blaming his accent on english as his second language. Prayers for the girls in this hard time of struggle.

Andi makes it a point to tell Juan he failed at getting to know the girls. Juan should know each of their favorite childhood candy, the organization of their computer desktop, social security number, and how many Twitter followers they each have.

Juan, you failed.

QUIET EVERYONE SHARLENE IS TALKING LET HER SPEAK. Ahh, yes, a light at the end of the tunnel for Juan, as Shar stands up for him. Shed felt he was very interested in her and asked her questions about her life and her quirks.

This place has so much "HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU" in it that literally Ginnifer Goodwin is about to manifest in the room.

Then Victoria attacks him for using the excuse "English is my second language." OKAY, HOOKED ON PHONIX SNOB, SIMMER DOWN, HERE. Really, there is no need to throw out that low of an insult. You're not cool because you speak english perfectly and putting down others who don't.

Then again, Victoria is probably drunk right now.

Dog Lover attacks Juan for the comments he made about homosexuality months ago. Again, like a dolphin rising from the shark pool, Sharlene to the rescue as she assures everyone they don't have the full story.

The bloopers. Ohhh, the bloopers.

Just remember, ees okay

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