The Six People You Meet on Black Friday

Why is it called black Friday anyway, Kathie? Screw it, cheers, bitch!

I'd like to start out this blog post with a little lesson for everyone. I was made aware of this issue via our dear friends Kathie Lee and Hoda. It seems that there is an epidemic out there of Americans not knowing why black Friday is called black Friday.

I suppose it is a valid question, and if I hadn't worked retail, maybe I wouldn't know either. Well consumers, it's called that because it puts the store's budget/finance numbers, in regards to profit, in the black and not deficient in the red.

I've never actually been one of the people that wakes up at obscene hours to get deals. To me, the whole concept of black Friday is kind of like tattoos to me. I really can't think of anything I care about enough to be inked on my skin the rest of my life. Likewise, I really can't think of anything I care about enough to wake up at 2 AM and fight crowds of supermoms for.

But like I said, I did work retail on the holy retail grail that is black Friday, and I was out and about Dallas all day today, so I think it's safe to say I have plenty o' blog material.

Let's introduce the 7 people you meet in America on black Friday.

1. The rich, frugal woman.

All of us know the woman who can afford anything she wants sans sale, but insists on spending all her time and energy saving money. Why the motivation? So she can brag to her group of equally rich and frugal friends at brunch about her bargains. Plus, chronic frugal shopping addiction is cheaper than therapy.

How to spot her: She's constantly dripping in designer labels, and can mentally calculate multiple sales tag totals before she's finished trying on that pair of Alice + Olivia discount heels. She'll be holding an $8.50 latte and $5.50 pastry she bought from Whole Foods and take a smoking/talk on iPhone 5S break.

America's reaction to her: Go away with your latte from the Whole Foods on the nice side of town and save the sales for the common peasants, YOU GREEDY MONGREL. 

2. The "My cousin's boyfriend's college-roommate's twin's best friend's ex-girlfriend" once got a flat screen for SEVENTY FIVE CENTS" shopper.

You think THAT dress is a good deal? You think THIS is waking up early??? Oh no, my aunt's neighbor's mailman's wife once bought forty two pairs of shoes for A DOLLAR last black Friday. You think YOU bought that handbag FOR A GOOD DEAL????? No, one black Friday I bought MULTIPLE designer handbags for HALF THAT--I had to give some to homeless, I had so many friggin' leather Kate Spade satchels, and I broke my arm trying to carry them all.

How to spot her: She said that verbatim ^^

America's reaction to her:  

3. Supermom.

She has three kids, a full time job, bakes perfect cupcakes for every kid-parent-related function, is training for a half-marathon, makes her own strawberry jam that she grew in her own backyard, doesn't have a nanny, maid, or any sort of third-party help, and still remembers to move the clothes from the washer to the dryer. She's supermom. By the time you see her at Wal-mart on BF morning, she's already worked out and folded a load of laundry. 

How to spot her: Likely wearing pink Lulu Lemon workout gear with matching pink Nikes, on her iPhone making 14 appointments with various doctors, dentists, and other routine human-maintenance check ups that no other normal person stays on top of, while picking out clothes for every member of her family. She will be drinking a homemade green drink with kale and unsweet almond milk.

America's reaction to her: I'm tired just looking at you.

4. Young, broke, and energetic girl.

This girl is just like the rest of us. Early twenties, loves her friends, instagrams too much, and loves to, like, totally shop!~! Except this girl is also not like the rest of us. Because unlike the rest of the early twenties age bracket, she's not hungover and has already bought half her extended family a christmas present before it's even December. 

How to spot her: She will upload an instagram of all the clothes she scored on hashtag black Friday (most of which are her school's colors) and obviously post a Facebook status about how much she HATES other black Friday shoppers. 

America's reaction to her: #unfollow #unfriend

5. Mrs. No-Mercy.

Have you had a run-in with Mrs. No-Mercy? Assess the following questions: Was she haggling the sales clerk to go 10% cheaper off the already-insane deal because there was a "snag" in one of her items? Did she eavesdrop on your conversation with your friend while shopping and interject her unsolicited warnings and advice? Did she try to fight with you over a sale item? Did she win it? You have officially met Mrs. No-Mercy and been shown No-Mercy.

How to spot her: She makes the sales clerk re-ring up the items because she swears he totaled it up wrong.

America's reaction to her: 

6. Confused, straight guy.

There he is. Among the sea of drained, money-crazy women, there is the lone confused, straight guy who had no idea it was even black Friday. In fact, he could have sworn it was Tuesday. He's only here because he lost his only other pair of pants at a party last night, and his girlfriend said his cargo shorts are like totes ugly. He smells like pizza.

How to spot him. He'll be like dude, so many people. bro, these jeans are crazy cheap. May be wearing cargo pants.

America's reaction to him: 

Why Christian Siriano is the Best Designer/Living Organism in the World

Christian Siriano was born in Annapolis, Maryland. More importantly, he was born effing fabulous.

I've been a CS admirer since his days in the fourth season of Project Runway. His collections have been some of my favorites season after season. He has proven his fierce minutes in fashion fame wasn't just for fifteen minutes--but forever #hialliteration. He didn't let the attention from A-list celebrities or get carried away in the drug scene. He's doing the same thing he did as a teen, only now the world is admiring his work, and not just his close peers.

I follow this little emo dude on instagram and it always makes the left side of my brain twinkle. That easily the weirdest sentence I've typed in a week. Now forget what you think you know about any favorite designer you think you have and get ready to fall in love with the sassiest fireball in the CFDA.

1. Christian Siriano was rejected by the Fashion Institute of Technology.

Oh HELLO FAILURE! I bet that crushed his sensitive, thread-saavy soul. CS said, "FU, FIT," and still carried on to be a multimillion dollar American fashion designer. But before he took over our Pinterest fashion boards,.... he interned.

2. He interned. Twice. 

I gots da mad respect 4 muh intern homies out der in da streets, roughin' it n hustlin' just tryna make sum money to feed they daughtas.

Really, though, I interned twice and did a lot of other unpaid activities throughout my undergrad/post grad lifestyles, and I just feel for the interns/minions. I can't even imagine being an intern in the fashion industry. I mean, it's one of those things, like yeah okay I have sympathy for you, but then I think, wait, no I don't. Anne Hathaway turned out just fine in the end.

CS did minion-intern tasks for Vivienne Westwood and Alexander McQueen. Dope.

 

3. He single-handedly revolutionized the word, "TRANNY"

You're tranny-fierce, no you're tranny-fabulous, you're tranny-flawless, you scream tranny-chic you hot tranny mess from trannslyvania. Let's get tran tran.

4. Amy Poehler imitates him fiercely. 

Fee-yis.

I can't. I love it to much and i can'ticant. trannyfiercehottmesstranny.

5. Christian Siriano has better instagrams than you.

His "sketch of the day" never disappoints. Makes me want to bust out a pencil and paper, quit my day job, and pursue the starving artist, live off passion lifestyle just kidding not really but I LOVE seeing his sketches on my insta-feed.

6. hi Have you SEEN HIS SPRING '14 RTW COLLECTION????????????

Hello, top, that is a also dress in the back, how are you today. 

CS has a way with volume and balance. He easily gives designers much older and more experienced than him a run for their money. This dress also resonates with my 1920s soul.

7. And, this.

bye trannies.

{image credits: stylenews.peoplestylewatch.com, www.therichest.com, www.bellasugar.com, www.celebitchy.com, mynameisbilly.tumblr.com www.style.com,}

If I was chosen as a tribute for Hunger Games, as told by gifs.

I saw Hunger Games yesterday. It was amazing, obviously. But also reveals a painful truth: Katniss kills moving organisms with arrows, knows the difference between good foods and poisonous foods, and has other insane street skills, and I used Google maps on my iPhone to find the movie theatre where I watched the movie. Which made me realize... I would be a JOKE playing in the Hunger Games. 

Hence, an inspired blog.

I haven't read the books yet. BUT I did download the first one on my iPad today and read 9 chapters. Now, back to the purpose of the blog: 

Elizabeth Banks stands if front of everyone, dressed weird, and reaches into a bowl full of names.

Me, in the crowd.

Elizabeth Banks calls my name.

After someone tells me there won't be wifi in the fighting arena. 

Realizing my boyfriend is Liam Hemsworth, as he tells me Goodbye.

Putting on a dress Lenny Kravitz made for me and then catching on fire. 

Me while people at the Capitol fix my hair, give me new clothes, feed me and pamper me.

Seeing the other tributes.

Going into the fighting arena and violently retrieving the weapons.

Thirty seconds into the game.

Hiding from other people my age trying to kill me.

Frolicking along a really pretty forrest AKA fighting arena.

Instagramming a patch of pretty flowers.

Spotted: tracker jackers.

After getting stung by tracker jackers.

Haymitch sends me a gift.

Rue dies.

Going after the people who killed Rue.

Somehow winning the Hunger Games.

Shooting my arrow into the sky and the whole game ends.

Coming home and getting to enjoy froyo again and everyone loves me and I saved District 12.

me, wishing i was jennifer lawrence at the end of the day.

Some words on video rental stores

We're gathered here today to honor the loss of a dear friend.

HOURS OF FUN WITH FAMILY FRIENDS AND SIGNIFICANT OTHERS

Video rental stores. Last Saturday, SNL came out with not only one of the funniest episodes ever (#PresidentialDepression) but also a hilarious if not painfully truthful skit about Blockbuster. If you haven't seen it, you need to catch up with your DVR.

Here it is:



Me:

Watching this episode with my roommate, I reminiscently sighed, "This kind of makes me sad." To which she promptly responded, "YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW WHO DOESN'T RENT DIGITALLY." Followed by something akin to "ARE YOU LIVING IN THE 90s???????"

Let's talk about that. Let's talk about the 90s. I grew up with video rental stores as a prime source of fun and entertainment. When I was little, I would ride with my family to the local Hastings. Once I got my license, it became an exciting teen jaunt to ride my yellow bug to said local Hastings with friends. When I would come home from college, I would go to Hastings, rent 4 movies, go home and fall asleep half way through one, get too busy to watch the rest, forget to return them, rack up late fees, and have a terrible yet nostalgically warm and fuzzy welcome home feeling upon discovering the higher than unexpected bill at the check out in the same process months later.

YOU JUST DON'T GET THAT EXPERIENCE FROM TYPING IN "GREAT GATSBY" ON AMAZON OR ITUNES RENTAL. Congratulations, America, you can do everything from the couch.

The act of physically walking through walls and walls of little rectangles of movie posters along the wall, in alphabetical order, acting stupid with your high school bestiez or idiot boyfriend, was a way to get fully immersed in the movie-choosing experience. I just said movie-choosing experience.

#dramaticYetACCURATE

While besties and idiot boyfriends will always be in abundance, gone are the days of driving to a store to walk through aisles of movies. I'll have to tell my children I grew up in the days where we did this thing called "renting" shiny discs called, "DVD movies," and paid for them with cash, MAYBE EVEN PENNIES?? WHO KNOWS?? WOAH?????????

And you know what? I'm usually accepting of technological change. I welcome it with open arms. I liked the iOS 7 update. I'm okay with the cloud thing. Not owning CDs. Cool. I get it. I EVEN HAVE NETFLIX well i watch my roommate's But to take away movie rentals???? My 90s heart is shattered. May the video rental stores rest in the most peaceful of peaces.

If anyone needs me I'm going to be dusting and shining my VHS tapes and DVDS bye.