The Six People You Meet on Black Friday

Why is it called black Friday anyway, Kathie? Screw it, cheers, bitch!

I'd like to start out this blog post with a little lesson for everyone. I was made aware of this issue via our dear friends Kathie Lee and Hoda. It seems that there is an epidemic out there of Americans not knowing why black Friday is called black Friday.

I suppose it is a valid question, and if I hadn't worked retail, maybe I wouldn't know either. Well consumers, it's called that because it puts the store's budget/finance numbers, in regards to profit, in the black and not deficient in the red.

I've never actually been one of the people that wakes up at obscene hours to get deals. To me, the whole concept of black Friday is kind of like tattoos to me. I really can't think of anything I care about enough to be inked on my skin the rest of my life. Likewise, I really can't think of anything I care about enough to wake up at 2 AM and fight crowds of supermoms for.

But like I said, I did work retail on the holy retail grail that is black Friday, and I was out and about Dallas all day today, so I think it's safe to say I have plenty o' blog material.

Let's introduce the 7 people you meet in America on black Friday.

1. The rich, frugal woman.

All of us know the woman who can afford anything she wants sans sale, but insists on spending all her time and energy saving money. Why the motivation? So she can brag to her group of equally rich and frugal friends at brunch about her bargains. Plus, chronic frugal shopping addiction is cheaper than therapy.

How to spot her: She's constantly dripping in designer labels, and can mentally calculate multiple sales tag totals before she's finished trying on that pair of Alice + Olivia discount heels. She'll be holding an $8.50 latte and $5.50 pastry she bought from Whole Foods and take a smoking/talk on iPhone 5S break.

America's reaction to her: Go away with your latte from the Whole Foods on the nice side of town and save the sales for the common peasants, YOU GREEDY MONGREL. 

2. The "My cousin's boyfriend's college-roommate's twin's best friend's ex-girlfriend" once got a flat screen for SEVENTY FIVE CENTS" shopper.

You think THAT dress is a good deal? You think THIS is waking up early??? Oh no, my aunt's neighbor's mailman's wife once bought forty two pairs of shoes for A DOLLAR last black Friday. You think YOU bought that handbag FOR A GOOD DEAL????? No, one black Friday I bought MULTIPLE designer handbags for HALF THAT--I had to give some to homeless, I had so many friggin' leather Kate Spade satchels, and I broke my arm trying to carry them all.

How to spot her: She said that verbatim ^^

America's reaction to her:  

3. Supermom.

She has three kids, a full time job, bakes perfect cupcakes for every kid-parent-related function, is training for a half-marathon, makes her own strawberry jam that she grew in her own backyard, doesn't have a nanny, maid, or any sort of third-party help, and still remembers to move the clothes from the washer to the dryer. She's supermom. By the time you see her at Wal-mart on BF morning, she's already worked out and folded a load of laundry. 

How to spot her: Likely wearing pink Lulu Lemon workout gear with matching pink Nikes, on her iPhone making 14 appointments with various doctors, dentists, and other routine human-maintenance check ups that no other normal person stays on top of, while picking out clothes for every member of her family. She will be drinking a homemade green drink with kale and unsweet almond milk.

America's reaction to her: I'm tired just looking at you.

4. Young, broke, and energetic girl.

This girl is just like the rest of us. Early twenties, loves her friends, instagrams too much, and loves to, like, totally shop!~! Except this girl is also not like the rest of us. Because unlike the rest of the early twenties age bracket, she's not hungover and has already bought half her extended family a christmas present before it's even December. 

How to spot her: She will upload an instagram of all the clothes she scored on hashtag black Friday (most of which are her school's colors) and obviously post a Facebook status about how much she HATES other black Friday shoppers. 

America's reaction to her: #unfollow #unfriend

5. Mrs. No-Mercy.

Have you had a run-in with Mrs. No-Mercy? Assess the following questions: Was she haggling the sales clerk to go 10% cheaper off the already-insane deal because there was a "snag" in one of her items? Did she eavesdrop on your conversation with your friend while shopping and interject her unsolicited warnings and advice? Did she try to fight with you over a sale item? Did she win it? You have officially met Mrs. No-Mercy and been shown No-Mercy.

How to spot her: She makes the sales clerk re-ring up the items because she swears he totaled it up wrong.

America's reaction to her: 

6. Confused, straight guy.

There he is. Among the sea of drained, money-crazy women, there is the lone confused, straight guy who had no idea it was even black Friday. In fact, he could have sworn it was Tuesday. He's only here because he lost his only other pair of pants at a party last night, and his girlfriend said his cargo shorts are like totes ugly. He smells like pizza.

How to spot him. He'll be like dude, so many people. bro, these jeans are crazy cheap. May be wearing cargo pants.

America's reaction to him: