All the thoughts I have at the gym

Me, at 24 Hour Fitness. #seLfiE!~!~!~!

Pre-gym thoughts

Do I feel fat today? Am I going to wear my fit-bitch dry-fit slim top or my phat gurl XXXXL kappa tee? Do I want to wear my wanna-be lulu lemon leggings or my basic-bitch Nike shorts???? GAWD WHY IS EVERYTHING SO HARD WHY AM I HUNGRY UGH

Ok car keys, I don't want to carry you, I'll just take my apartment key and card, yes, and I'll put them in the secret zipper pocket of the yoga pants, ok, perfect, yes, that's what I'll do. It' doesn't fit in the pocket, it sticks out. That probably looks stupid. Moving on.

Pre work out snacks hmmm but then would I have to wait 30 minutes before activity? Or is that just swimming? Or is that just something parents lied to children about? Should I buy that "pre work out" mix powder stuff? Is it expensive? No I don't have time. I'll just eat a banana. I don't have bananas. 

On my way to gym thoughts

Oh yeah, time to psych myself up, play a little hip hop music, oh yeah, a little Miley, cant' stop won't stop. Should I drive to the gym? It's only a mile away, I'll walk. I'll run. 

2 minutes later

OH GOD I'M DYING I SHOULD HAVE DRIVEN AM I TAKING THE LONG WAY??? IT'S BEEN 10 MINUTES I'M STILL NOT THERE, WHERE AM I, SHOULD I GOOGLE MAPS THE REST OF THE WAY/?????? WHY IS EVERYONE RUNNING IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD SHIRTLESS?????????

At the gym

I don't have to do cardio because I just ran. Which means I should do weights or something????? Damn it, I didn't think this through. I don't like weights. You have no arm strength, Augusta, just pick up weights. I'll do lunges holding weights. Oh that guy is hot. He's totally looking at me. I'm so glad I wore the dry-fit top. He's totally not looking at me. Why are there 1,685 people in this gym? I want wine. I CAN'T LUNGE ANYMORE I'VE HEARD THIS DRAKE SONG EIGHT THOUSAND TIMES

Why do girls wear hats at the gym??? My mom is calling, SHE ALWAYS CALLS ME WHEN I'M AT THE GYM, i can't answer now, oh my gosh is that guy serious right now??? i can hear you breathing 8 feet away, and i can't deal with this, i'm going to snapchat you, oh crap he's looking, abort, abort, run away.

What is this TRX??? I just lunge holding these ropes attached to the ceiling? This seems boring. I want wine. I'm sweating. Why am I sweating? I'm going to risk my life walking across the indoor track to get to the other weights.

Why do people use foam rollers???? This is awkward?? I can see you right now use the foam roller like that and I am thoroughly uncomfortable???? I'm not emotionally stable enough to be around you and your foam roller.

Let's do the seated leg press. 130? Too light. I am a pear shape, I can obviously leg press 300 pounds. OH GOD OH GOD I CANN'T PRESS 300 POUNDS DID ANYONE JUST SEE ME TRY??? 150 pounds, meh, 170 pounds, okay, okay, happy medium, i am a bad ass, 170 is like a ton, i am lifting an elephant with my legs, i am impressing all males around me. in fact no one is looking at me. except this guy who seriously wants me to get off so he can use this machine.

Fine, fine, here, take the machine, I did not count how many reps or sets I did, but my legs are burning. What did my old trainer say about active rests?? I should do calf raises right now while I'm not lifting weights. That counts right? MY LEGS ARE JELLO, I'M DYING, I CAN'T BREATHE, WHAT YEAR IS IT

Damn it, he's done already now I have to use the machine because I've been standing here waiting on him. Ok I'm going to lessen the weight DON'T BE A PANSY AUGUSTA ok i'll keep the weight where it is, i'll even count the reps this time. 

ONE.

TWO.

THREE.

ok ok breathe breathe ok water break, let's strut to the water fountain. OH CRAP THERE IS MY OLD TRAINER WHO I NEVER RESIGNED WITH OR TEXTED HER BACK THIS IS SO AWKW- hi! how are you?! I'm great! Just a little sweatty, haha!

drink water faster run away abort, ok, let's go to the stretching room and do something with that large ass ball. Hamstring curls. Time to play Juvenile. These are fun. The ball is fun. It's leg day, but my arms hurt? I want wine.

Ok I need more motivation. Drake isn't cutting it anymore. Should I play Rihanna? Meh, The Weekend? Meh, OMG IT'S TIME FOR PARTITION.

Partition is playing and I feel like a new woman, I have the horse power of two thousand super-bowl Beyonces I am alive, I HAVE ALL THE ENERGY OF THE UNIVERSE RIGHT NOW, I AM A NUCLEAR BOMB,  DRIVER ROLL UP THE PARTITION, PLEASE. I'M GOING TO DO THE STAIR CLIMBER AND LUNGES AND SPRINTS AND SQUATS TIL I DIE

I'm just going to lay on this yoga mat and look at Pinterest for  a few  minutes, great. This girl's shorts are so short, I feel like I should do more lunges. Or just go lay down in a different room. I've probably been here over an hour, that is just OVER THE TOP, ok ok it's time to go home. should I use the sauna???? no. 

Oops I accidentally made eye contact with the hot guy. Why are you looking at me? HE IS IN LOVE WITH ME, IT'S THE DRY-FIT SHIRT, I KNEW IT, he's not looking at me anymore, did I just make an ugly face?? i can't feel my face, whatever he's not that hot, OH GOD HE'S LOOKING AGAIN, HE IS BEAUTIFUL, running away now.

Running home from gym

Green light, run across the street, don't walk. Bars on McKinney, run by those young hot adult-professionals, don't walk, ok here we, go, i'm hot shit, i'm hot shit, i can't hear all the whistles because i have my headphones in, there are probably so many whistles right now, ok, nope, that's fine too, drake understands me.

HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN RUNNING HOME??? SHOULD I CALL AN UBER/??? MAYBE I SHOULD JUST STOP AT THIS BAR, CRAP I DON'T HAVE MY WALLET, OK I CAN TRUCK THOUGH I CAN DO THIS, HERE WE GO, I'LL JUST WALK.

I will now snapchat that I ran to the gym from home because everyone should know that I am a marathon iron man lesbian gym owner.

At home

My keys are stuck in the back secret yoga pants pocket. I can either rip my pants or try to open the door with my butt agains the door knob. I'll just try to get it off gently I CAN'T DO IT I'M STUCK I'LL BE HERE FOREVER I'M STARVING I'M PARCHED I NEED WINE WHERE ARE MY ROOMMATES I'LL DIE ALONE okay the door is already opened, crisis averted.

Pouring myself wine because I deserve this and I am an American and God Bless Texas. I will snapchat this wine. There is literally only half a glass left. There is still time to chill another bottle. Ok. Putting broccoli and cauliflower mix in the oven. What is the difference between bake and broil????? Putting ass-tons of olive oil and seasonings on it, ok, perfect, yes, I am freaking Jillian Michaels, I am literally a lesbian gym owner, I am going to have quads of concrete. 

Ice in wine. 

I am too hungry to cook a meal so I'm just going to eat random snacks. Plate of cheese, hummus, celery, apple, yes, yes, this is good, this meal is on point.

I am going to collapse on the floor now and look at instagram.

I can't get up.

I burnt the broccoli.

Am I drunk?

The broccoli is crunchy but I like it?

I can't move my legs yet my arms are also sore? 

I need to take a bath, although what if I pass out and drown, omg, how am I going to shower, I can't stand, I'll be a dirty post-work out human-trash can for the rest of my life, how am I going to make it in to work tomorrow.

Did the wine just cancel out the work out? No. Antioxidants.