The Bachelorette: Andi meets the men & I pick my favorites

I really didn't want to blog The Bachelorette, Andi.  Blogging is a lot of dedication, energy, and TIME. Another main reason I was hesitant is because blogging about all the dumb women chasing a man on The Bachelor is so much more fun than blogging about the men chasing a woman. I ACTUALLY LIKE THE STORY OF A MAN CHASING A WOMAN.

Also, it's nearly impossible to commit to anything in the summer. The weather is good and you never know when you'll be invited to a porch somewhere.

BUT ALAS. I was summoned to blog about the Bachelorette by a few near and dear readers, and my roommate is a Bach die-hard, so I'm going to give a go at it, y'all.

Things we already know about this season:

• Andi is a hugger (girls either are or they aren't, I AM NOT.)
• SOMEONE DIES??? WTF????? This is sad.

We become immediately become immersed in CSI Atlanta. Mall copy Andi is filmed shuffling papers, running across front yards, packing up her office, etc normal detective duties.

She wears a bright yellow big bird dress with a denim jacket that's no doubt from Hollister circa 2005. In a different outfit, a much chicer one, she walks into her parents house. She looks very stunning, I think Andi is a cute girl. And very real. She is a catch and a half. Unless it turns out she's a huge bitch.

I was hoping her hair would be one color by this point, but as it turns out, it's still ombre.

In another outfit change, a billowy, boxy, sheer white top, we see her shopping and trying on shirts with oversiezed roses on it.

Then we see her getting a photoshoot in front of law books in her black naughty secretary pencil skirt, then a gold evening gown blowing rose petals to the camera.

I'm trying to think of something more cliche than the moments I'm experiencing this very second. 

Andi is the most excited person in the world. So full of energy, so enthusiastic, so bubbly, so alive. I am typically a very easily excitable person, and EVEN I CAN'T HANDLE ANDI'S EXCITEMENT.

If she says "Falling in love should be fun, this should be fun, meeting them will be fun" or any variation thereof, I will throw my Corona at the TV.

Her sister helps her get dressed and ready, Andi cries, etc. They don't look anything alike. Andi has to decide between a taupe beaded gown or a gold pleated gown. She needs to go with the taupe beaded if she knows what's good for her.

The men are coming THE MEN ARE COMING. Andi steps in the limo in her taupe beaded number, and my heart is proud.

My Top Bachelors

Marcus. His hometown may be in Alberta, BUT HE CURRENTLY LIVES IN DALLAS WHICH MEANS IF HE AND ANDI DON'T WORK OUT, I'M GOING TO NEED HIM TO TAKE ME TO VELVET TACO AT 3 AM, I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THAT AT ALL. Marcus is probably the hottest on the show. I've decided Marcus is the hottest on the show, and this is not just because he lives in Dallas and is into Third Eye Blind (lol at Enrique Iglesias...? SOMEHOW IT WORKS FOR HIM)

Andrew, Social media marketer from CA, probably has a hilarious Twitter page. #AndiAndAndrew.....#AndrewAndAugusta.... Then again, Andi can have him. I'm WAY too competitive to date someone who does the same thing as me. That would not go over well.

JJ in the bowtie is a little geek chic cutie!!! He is a "pantsapreneur" which makes me a little sad and scared, but I want to give him a chance because is just the right amount of nerdy, and oh, he is 6'5", and I'm shallow and like really tall guys. (Can we talk about his favorite movies? Again, I'm a little sad and scared, but at least he likes the original version of Alice and Wonka, ammirite???)

Patrick. He looks like he could be a cheesedick but he's 6'4" so.... I'm powerlessly drawn to him. Also, #Drake

Marquel. Can I just saw #SWAG????????? M obviously makes the perfect ~*~ChOcOLaTe PiCk~*~

Random thoughts meeting the men

Editors note: I'm just going to leave these unedited because, really, why bother. 

Then we see men pushing a limo uphill to the drive way, and the guy was a personal trainer from Chicago and I feel like he did that on purpose.

Chris, man with a peach fuzz mustache.

Steven, snowboard developer, hipster S T O K ED

Rudie, also an attorney like Andi, has a weird name. He is cheesy.

Firefighter from Ft Lauderdale is really really cute.

Jason  is a doctor but has bad hair. And has a case of cheesedick jokes. Likely an incurable case.

Nick V. in software sales seems genuine but also meh

Dylan, acountant from Boston gets really nervous and it's kind of cute but also like stop admitting you're nervous.

Patrick, ad exec from CA, is basically John Hamm from Mad Men.

Emil, helicopter pilot rom CA, looks older than he looks and described his name as "Anal with an M"

The next guy is a hairdresser, and he brout a lamp with him. Ironically, he is not very bright. "My mom told me to never approach a lady empty handed, so I brought this lamp from my hotel." ...... TF???

Then a guy walks out shaking champagne then leaves it on the ground on the street so it was all for nothing.

Ron from Memphis is a chocolate man in a purple tie.

Bradley, an opera singer from Holland, makes it known that he wants to serenade her later. I tremorred.

Josh from Denver, potentially a forgettable white guy.

Nick, pro golfer from FL, pulls up in a golf cart, because he wants to wave his "I'M A BIG DEAL" flag.

Bryan, basketball coach from PA, needed help with his tie. He seems genuine.


Marquel steps out in his pink gingham and drops the phrase "A Game" within 5 sconds... S W A G

Tasos has an earring and does this weird lock thing and she liked it and I have to go feed my cat.


Mike, Bartender from UT, looks and sounds like he is 19. He talks a lot and it's painful. He gis her his number

Josh M. is also from Atlanta. He is like 89 feet tall and kind of looks like a man barbie. Really white teeth, tan face, and I think he dyes his hair darker than it really is. He is Mr. Smooth.


Josh M is way too Ken Barbie for me to take seriously. Why is he so tan. His teeth are so white. She said he's her type. Hmph.

Time to mingle in the mansion

Now Andi walks inside and these men are dogs. They are yelling at her complimenting her like wild teenagers out of the jungle seeing girls for the first time. Everyone is telling her she's glowing. WELL SHE BETTER NOT BE, THE LAST THING WE NEED IS A PREGNANT BACHELORETTE.

Marquel, swag man in the gingham, randomly pulls out cookies and milk and he's the one I think. But actually this is really weird. She liked it.

I need the pantsapreneur to change his job title because he is really cute.

Patrick and Andrew both tell the camera privately that "they are eachother's caliber" and "they are suave" so when they come out as gay for each other throughout the course of the show, let's not be surprised.

Chris reveals that some rando dude from seasons past of The Bachelor came to meet Andi. I don't know who this man is, but Chris is adamant about not letting him see her because she said no. Like, what??? Why does he want to meet her??? Why did she say no???? Why am I certain that I would have said yes???????????????

Dallas man Marcus tells us he speaks Polish and German.

The Rose Ceremony

She gave the pre-ceremony first rose to a guy "she wouldn't have chose based on looks but gave her a great first impression"but honestly I'm a little confused why she gave it to him. He was extremely forgettable to me. I didn't even catch his name. DALLAS MAN MARCUS SHOULD HAD THE ROSE.

She picked the pantsapreneur first at the ceremony!!! I'm so happy!1 GO JJ!!

Rudie, Jason, and Josh B. are sent home.

This jackass decided to make a fool of himself after being sent home, instead of just taking it gracefully. He is like literally crying. Cussing fits of rage make great TV, but they also broadcast it to the demographic of girls you are trying to date, Josh B.... IT MIGHT BE UNWISE TO BE IMMATURE ON NATIONAL TV WHEN THE TARGET AUDIENCE IS ALSO YOUR TARGET AUDIENCE.

see you next week, babes.