The Bachelorette Episode 2: Not to be confused with Magic Mike

Finding it hard to be snarky about the beginning of this episode, knowing that Eric has died. He was really cute. And this is really sad.

We start out with Chris getting the men excited about Andi, ensuring them that, "She's one of the best there's ever been." WELL SH#T????? THAT IS KIND OF A HUGE COMPLIMENT, ALRIGHTY, OKAY.

Andi sweeps in the room, confidently basking in the center of attention, in all her turquoise-top glory.

Commercial break for a really scripted Suave commercial, starring a past Bachelorette I've never heard of in my life.

Andi takes Eric out on the first date, ripping all of our hearts out. They start out on a beach, which is fun, Andi wears a white bikini, when all of a sudden a helicopter picks them up and TAKES THEM TO A SNOWY MOUNTAIN?????? I don't understand how this is geographically possible, which proves that Chris Harrison and the producers behind The Bachelorette can literally conquer all impossible obstacles, do anything, be anything, CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN, SWIM EVERY OCEAN, AND GRANT THE WISH OF EVERY BACH CONTESTANT.

Eric goes into jaw-dropping detail about how his travels through Syria as a "journalist" when he thought he was going to die. Andi is enthralled. I am enthralled.

She has commented on his looks 347-352 times, just this episode. Eric finishes his story, talks about how family would always come before travels, and it's all just really f#cking sad.

"I can't tell you how many times I've been to a beautiful place wishing there was somebody else." - Eric

me watching this with my laptop open, on the couch

Back at the testosterone-filled house, the men going on the first group date are announced.

Andi gives Eric the rose, because HOW COULD YOU NOT, HE WAS THE TOTAL PACKAGE.

They ate dinner at a cabin which looked really perfect. #Wine&Marshmellows

Andi makes goes all Magic Mike on America and makes the men strip, which makes me 10 kinds of uncomfortable. Marcus had a solo, and he wasn't happy. But it went well for him because he is really hot.

Andi was really into all the strip teasing which was really weird.

We are all at the house, and Brian makes a point to sneak Andi away. I think Brian is rly kewt. This picture doesn't do him justice.

Now we have Josh M. (Ken Barbie) assuring Andi that he is NOT the stereotypical athelete, and even dares to pull the "I'm shy" card. Andi doesn't buy it. But I need her to just keep him around anyway, he and his tan look like blogging material.

Craig is getting drunk.

The opera singer serenades Andi. I'm cringing. OH MY WORD CRAIG IS APPROACHING ANDI AND HE IS WASTED. This is bad. His face is like tomato red. They continue talking....

A look into their conversation...

"Ask me anything, I'm an open book."

"What's the worst thing about your parents?"

"...oh my God??"

Now Andi is trying to get one-on-one on with Swag-Daddy-Ron, and things are getting too rowdy and loud. Craig and some other unidentified caucasian male have taken advantage of the pool, and are diving in fully clothed. Andi be ticked. "Don't they realize they're here to date???" Translation "NOT ALL OF THE ATTENTION IS DIRECTED ON ME RIGHT NOW AND I DON'T LIKE IT." I mean, they are guys!!!!!! I'm not suprised this is happening!! There is alcohol and pool in a closed premises, you get what you get.

But yeah, I agree, I would probably not give the idiots who jumped in the pool before the ceremony a rose lol.

The teenage 29-year-old

Craig is going crazy. The producers had to get involved and "take him home"????????????????? IS THERE MORE THAN ONE MANSION??? I don't know where they're taking him, but Andi is madly furious that he got drunk, emphasizing that she "wants them to have fun" BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT TOO MUCH FUN.

OH YAY now Marcus and Andi are alone. They're holding wine and look really classy. Andi has on an extremely provocative dress this early in the show so I shudder to think what she pulls out of the closet in the following weeks.

Just a few minutes later, Andi gives her pre-ceremony rose to Marcus. Andi is proving to have decent taste. I was worried, because as we all can recall, SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH JUAN PABLO.

~*~

Okay, now Andi is taking Chris out on a FANCY date. She stuns in a little emerald green frock, and side low bun. Oh and that lipstick!!! That winged liner!!! Someone put her on Pinterest.

Homeboy walks out in a lavender/gray tux. And off to the horseraces they go!

They meet a really old coouple that asks them how long they've been together. It's hard to tell if that was scripted because the old couple told their love story and it was really cute. Andi said she wants to one day be the old couple going to the races. YEAH YOU AND EVERY OTHER STARBUCKS-LOVING, UGG-WEARING WHITE GIRL, ANDI.

Chris reveals to Andi that he's been engaged before, which actually, no girl wants to hear, so good for him for going the Honest Route. THEN AGAIN we all know that these people do everything they can to squeeze sympathy out of viewers, and the Bach. It's hard to know when they're being honest to get closer to you or being honest to gain your sympathy. I know this because I've been on the show before, so.

Andi gives the rose to Chris. No surprise. Another non-shocker: a bearded man band serenades them in a private concert, and they dance.

A lot of one-on-one time.

I need Andi to stop saying she's hopeful, because WE GET IT. She wears a really jazzy evening gown with like a thousand fake crystals on it.

Nick V. and Andi sneak off alone. OKAY HE IS CUTE??? Where did this guy come from??? He also seems really normal. Andi agrees they're aligned on their views of love.

He's on my new Yes List. 

Now it's Marquel's turn. He and his different patterned tie, shirt, and socks are all really trendy and stylish, but in a way that might be out of my league, because I don't understand it, but it seems like it's right.

JJ steals her away--HE'S ONE OF MY FAVES.

Josh M. and his tan and pink tie pulls Andi aside and says "literally" a lot. She tells him to stop rambling. He gets really nervous and his FACE TURNS REALLY RED, Andi tells him he's a mess. He tells the camera he got butterflies talking to her. WHICH IS KIND OF CUTE BUT ALSO HE COULD BE LYING, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE.

They kiss. I feel like Josh M. is a better kisser than Chris.

OH GOD NOW CRAIG IS HERE, AND HE'S A JOKE. let's get this apology over with, THERE ARE CUTE GUYS WAITING ON HER, CRAIG.

Craig proceeds to play guitar and sing her an impromptu song that was kind of funny and cute BUT NO. YOUR ASS IS GOING HOME.

The Rose Ceremony

Chris opens with "it's nice to see you all clothed." oH PLZ CHRIS, I SAW YOU SPANK ONE OF THEM, I LOL'D. Andi walks in and they are all really captivated. I will say, she does look so gorgeous. And she is definitely a natural and flirting and being on the other side of the rose.

Ron gets the first rose, which is RLY freaking random, I think we can all agree.

then she calls out Dylan and I don't even know who that is.

JJ GETS THE THIRD!!! she likey the nerdz

Marquel and his bad self gets a rose.

Andrew, social media man, accepts his next rose.

I'M READY FOR HER TO JUST SEND CHRIS HOME.

Tasos, the man with the weirdest name ever, gets a rose.

Josh M. gets one. He is kind of cute. he's growing on me.

Cody gets one. He needs to stop lifting weights.

NICK GETS ONE WEEEEEEE!

Patrick gets one. Again, he is tall, thus, extremely attractive.

BRYAN GETS ONE YAYAYAYA

The camera has zoomed in on a few guys I don't recall.

There is one rose left, and at least 837 guys still waitin gfor a rose.

BRADLEY GETS A ROSE, AND THERE IS A GUY IN GLASSES WHO IS SO CUTE, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS, AND HE IS SAD.

Carl, the fire fighter, was teh mystery geek chic classes man. He was sent home. I feel like he just fell through the cracks. He was really cute.

HE LOOKS LIKE A PEDOPHILE A LITTLE BIT I THINK

Some other Nick got sent home, which is great, because there is only room for one damn Nick on this show. And Nick S. is creepy.

Craig, the drunk idiot, obviously got sent home. Back to Denver you go. He rattles on and on about how incredible she is and how he'll live with this mistake 'THE REST OF HIS LIFE' oohgyawed.

This is a good crop of guys, so I'm interested to see how things transpire.............happy memorial day bye.