Now, let's recap this season's damage before following through on episode 7.
We met a baby prostitute, Jennifer Aniston, and a human self tanner in the first Sunday edition of The Bachelor meeting the women. The first official episode of The Bachelor was rocky for me, blogwise. I ended up just live-tweeting it, thus losing mass blog quality. Here is the pathetic excuse for a blog recap of the first episode. I dabbled in the baby pool in my second recap. I spelled Clare's name wrong, used awkward bullet formatting, and wished to hit up Chimy's with Victoria in the second episode.
I really caught the wind in my sails in the third recap. In this episode, we did math with Cassaundra, learned the word "peyamas," and introduced my cat-bachelor photo. In episode four, we endured major white girl problems and spanked ourselves with the asian Spice Girls. Episode five was enlightening for all of us, but primarily for the ocean of Vietnam. And finally, episode six really brought us further in depth with Juan's deep, interesting, and articulate persona.
Episode Seven. Let's do this.
I vehemently despise how ABC gives previews in the beginning of the episode of what will happen during the episode. LIKE JUST PLAY THE EPISODE.
Miami. Here we are seeing Camilla, Juan's hija, for the first time in 3 weeks. I'm getting nervous. Meeting your new boyfriend's kids is always awkward. She's cute in her little pink get up.
The remaining girls are in a penthouse suite overlooking the ocean. Can't wait to hear all of them complain about something stupid throughout the episode, regardless of this wonderful fact.
We see them opening wrapped boxes of tiny negative double zero swimsuits.
Juan, in all his purple shorts glory, sneaks up on the girls while they're talking about him. He hands a note to Sharleen. Nikki makes a stank face. He says she has ten minutes to get ready, which is weird, because she is clearly already dressed with make up. But okay.
"I just don't get it." -Clare
"I'm missing a cerebral connection that I just so...need." -Sharleen. HONEY, JUAN COULDN'T EVEN SPELL CEREBRAL.
"I can't figure out why he is into her." -Chelsie
"Sharleen is an anomaly." -Clare YEAH, BECAUSE SHE IS THE ONLY NORMAL PERSON WHO HAS BEEN ON THE BACHELOR THIS LONG.
"Today I should know whether or not I see him meeting my family." -Sharleen. OR WHETHER OR NOT YOU CAN FINISH A CONVERSATION WITH HIM.
"I feel like we don't get each other. Not completely." -Shar. THERE IS A REASON YOU FEEL LIKE YOU DON'T GET EACH OTHER. IT IS BECAUSE YOU DON'T.
Sharleen and Juan kiss on a boat. She gives him a mass amount of mini compliments. "You're trouble.. you feel good.... " like WAT?!?!? FIVE SECONDS AGO YOU WERE ON THE FENCE AND NOW YOU'RE ON TOP OF HIM.
"Juan is not my typical type, but there's no denying the chemistry. It's hard to not kiss him. I'm surprised by how attracted to him I am."
I feel exactly the same way about dipping Hot Cheetos in ranch.
"Is that a french kiss?" -Juan
"It's certainly not a German kiss." -Shar
what the #$% is a german kiss??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Now they're in swimsuits, on a boat, and in the sunset.
"I just feel happy. Which is something I don't feel very often." WELL, YOU'RE DEPRESSING.
The dates ABC plans for people on this show would make anyone feel in love and confused about how happy they are. I mean, when in your life are you going to travel and see such beautiful places???? Or be wined and dined in such amazing restaurants? ABC scientists are putting Sharleen in their Bachelor petri dish and it's an environment that she has no control over.
You could put me on those exact dates with a pair of socks and I would probably fall in love.
After break. They're fully dressed in cocktail attire. We see them kiss against the city skyline--which by the way, I'm pretty they're just in the live audience of Jay Leno's studio.
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| Episode seven, when Juan & Shar kissed in Jay Leno's studio audience. |
Oh hell. Juan just asked how she felt about him meeting her family. Sharleen lies through her teeth. "I think I can do it." LIKE WAT???? ARE YOU ..... ON DRUGS RIGHT NOW.... ?
"I like when you think." -Juan
"I wish I could be a little dumber." -Sharleen.
She kisses him. Then to the camera, she says that in her head none of this is right. WELL YOUR HEAD NEEDS TO HAVE A HEART TO HEART WITH YOUR BODY AND GET IT TOGETHER.
"Why can't I stop kissing you?" -Shar.
Then she proceeds to say something that had nothing to do with children or besitos and Juan's brain fused, causing him to ask her about her words. Enjoy this high quality footage my video team captured.
Back at the house, all of the other girls drink wine and brood about how obsessed Juan is with Sharleen. I think they're about to get out a Ouiji board and bring back spirits of seasons past to seek revenge.
Nikki gets the next date. Chelsie says Nikki is a Negative Nancy. Nikki, for the 872nd time this season, brings up how bad at dancing she was in Korea.
Now Sharleen is back at the house and about to have a deep confide-sesh with Rennee. Blah blah blah. Five minutes later, Rennee is giving drunk advice, and Sharleen already likes Rennee more than she's ever liked Juan.
Sharleen cries to the camera. OH GYAHD, YOU ARE DRAGGING THIS OUT HONEY. YOU DON'T LIKE HIM. CUT THE CRAP AND MOVE ON.
Time to go on a date with Nikki, who is apparently under the impression they are headed to Coachella.
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| Nikki is one flower-crown away from a MGMT concert tonight. |
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| Ex wife meets potential-new wife alert. |
"I'm so scared, flattered, and excited, that Juan is sharing one of the most important parts of his life with me." -Nikki. OKAY, NIK. THIS IS A 4 YEAR OLD'S RECITAL, NOT A BAPTISM. don't get it twisted.
I just realized that Juan's ENTIRE FREAKING FAMILY IS AT THIS RECITAL. Like, what?????? Is this happening? This is already happening??? There are still like 6 girls left?? CHRIS, HOW ARE YOU ALLOWING NIKKI TO MEET THE FAM?? This is premature.
Feeling my hands get clammy, meeting the potential-inlaws-to-be.
Nightfall. They head to Juan's "office", Marlin's Stadium. Now, I'm not claiming to understand the mystery that is "sports" but just to keep facts straight, I'm pretty sure this baseball feild is where athletes engage in activity, NOT WHERE JUAN FAXES AND EMAILS. I am 99% positive there is an abandoned closet where he carries out his duties*
*i have no idea what i'm talking about.
We see Nikki and her dove back-tattoo and cocktail dress/jumper throw the ball with Juan. They lay on a blanket and picnic. This would be a great date. I want to go on this date. He kisses her shoulder and asks her what she's thinking. I can tell she is thinking about her highlights or quinoa.
I bet Nikki is really thrilled she wore a club outfit from 5-7-9 to a baseball field.
"I feel happy because she tried everything today." Is he on drugs??? What is he even talking about???? Tried what???? She went to a dance recital and now she's picnicking???
Juan continues his monologue to the camera.
"I feel comfortable. I feel easy."
| hehe juan feels easy |
Back at the house, Sharleen tells the girls she's felt conflicted for weeks about her feelings with Juan. And that she will be leaving this very night. She said she is sad. Understand that she is sad to leave the girls, not Juan.
SHARLEEN IS SO GORGEOUS IT ALMOST MAKES MY STOMACH ACID CORRODE AND EAT MY ORGANS.
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| UR FACE IS RUDE |
"This is excruciatingly difficult," (as he sweeps the hair from her face).
She proceeds whispers this entire break up conversation, evidently under teh impression the camera won't hear her.
Continuting her Ying Yang twin rap, she breaks up with him
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| You could put a beat over this part of the episode and have a #1 hip hop record. |
Juan is really sweet about it. He says he knows it's not easy and that she gets to know herself better. He wipes tears from her eyes. He says he doesn't want her to say she's sorry. That she shouldn't be sorry for the way she feels. That she didn't waste his time. That she is so wonderful. That she is different, in a good way.
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| me on the couch |
Ok wow sh*t woah okay damn wow. That was intense for all of us and it's going to be hard for me to come back from that. I need to go for a walk.
Sharleen and her unfortunately unflattering shorts walk away to the elevators. Juan receeds to his balcony, where he contemplates committing suicide.
Juan cries to the camera and says "Sometimes honesty is not appreciated, so you have to have guts to be honest." MY FACE IS CURLED INTO A THOUSAND FROWNS I AM SO DISTRAUGHT AND UNCOMFORTABLE HE IS SO SAD AND I CAN'T.
Sharleen in the limo.
"I am surprised at how sad I am." UHHUH SO ARE WE.
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| My roommate's quick eye found the almost-hidden bag of onions Sharleen so cleverly placed in the car to help her cry. |
Chelsie is annoying. She brings out some bright colored papers/scrapbooks/letters and other things only she cares about. Juan is struggling to smile and say things in english that convey enthusiasm. Chelsie proceeds to reads letters out loud. MAKE IT STOP.
Nothing worse than someone who talks incessantly about his or herself and has no perception that people around don't want to hear it.
Now he's with Andi and her neon tribal/zebra maxi dress. She starts crying OH KILL US ALL I AM SO SICK OF THESE GIRLS CRYING FOR ATTENTION. Juan needs to stop being sympathetic. Here is where my cold, black heart becomes visible.
At first I liked Andi, but now that I've been on 2-4 group dates with her, I've decided, SHE BASIC.
Time to be with Clare. Does anyone else think she looks like a who from whoville???? I think she is a who from whoville. I think when she takes Juan to her hometown, it's going to be Whoville.
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| Clare's hometown |
| CLAIRE LOU WHO |
NOW IT'S TIME FOR JUAN TO EXTEND A ROSE TO THE GROUP DATE.
Andi gets it. Clare smiles REALLY BIG. Like... tooooooo big. She was REALLY happy when he gave Andi the rose...........
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| Clare, after Andi received a rose |
Andi pulls out all the stops for her one on one date with her little short red dress. We enter a latino club. This actually looks fun. Slap a sangria in my hand and let's salsa, baby. Andi fits perfectly in this club. More so than white boy Juan. OR SHOULD I SAY JU-ITE BOY JUAN. that was stupid.
Andi is happy, blah blah blah. The episode was getting boring so it's back to the girls at the house. Clare is still complaining. I think she's just in a bad mood because her dress is from a 2004 Target clearance.
CLARE AND NIKKI ARE GETTING INTO IT. THE PHRASE "TALKING SH!T" HAS BEEN SAID A RECORD BREAKING 63 TIMES WITHIN 2 MINUTES. THEY BOTH INTERRUPT EACH OTHER TELLING THE OTHER ONE TO STOP INTERRUPTING THE OTHER ONE WHILE INTERRUPTING THEM. (..?)
So catty. They're being so sinisterly sweet. I can't stand this. Girls that talk to other people like this are the worst. It literally pains me even just watching me this fight happen. Cringing. Girls are the worst. Ugh. High pitched voices and curled hair and passive aggressive stabs. I'm going to throw up.
Now we see a M&M commercial with Juan. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW HE GOT A SPOT ON AN M&M COMMERCIAL LIKE HE'S FREAKING SANTA OR JAY-Z OR SOMETHING.
(side thought: I feel like Chris has had more coverage on this season than Rennee. Scratch that. I feel like Bill Clinton has had more coverage on this season of The Bachelor than Rennee.)
Rennee gets a tiny little bit of alone time with Juan before the rose ceremony. It's very short and forgettable. Chelsie talks to the camera with curled hair, yet is simultaneously sitting with the other girls at the table with straight hair. Time travel???????????
Nikkie says all this feels very "high school" to her. IT'S CALLED 6 GIRLS, 1 GUY, THERE IS GOING TO BE BLOOD.
Nikki didn't have a dress to wear toinght, so instead she went to Hobby Lobby, bought hot pink duct tape, and fashioned herself a dress--something like you would see at a college frat party themed ABC or "anything but clothes."
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| Nikki's dress from episode 7, sold for $3.49 at a KMart near you. |
Nikki and Clare absolutely despise each other. It's so stupid to me. They hate each other for no reason.
I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE: THERE HAS BEEN NO BETTER 51 SECONDS THAN THE FOLLOWING 51 SECONDS THAT ARE ABOUT TO HAPPEN ON THIS EPISODE.
PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY ON THIS EARTH WATCH THIS WHOLE VIDEO.
Stop.
Chris takes a second to remind Andi that she already has a rose, and to remind the other girls that they suck for not being able to say the same.
Sometimes I think Chelsie looks like Chelsey Handler or Cameron Diaz.
Juan is wearing a stripped button up shirt and kind of looks like he is about to come back to the office after lunch break. Maybe he has a meeting with a client later.
NIKKI GETS THE FIRST ROSE.
Juan exhales.
CLARE GETS THE SECOND ROSE. off to Whoville we go.
Chelsie purses her lips.
Juan has an orange wrist band on. Those were cool back when LIVESTRONG was a thing, I don't think humans actually wear rubber bracelets anymore.
RENNEE GETS THE LAST ROSE OMG WUT?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
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| And no hometown for |
"Such a mistake. Huge mistake." -Clare whispers, standing next to Nikki, talking about Nikki, probably subtweeting about Nikki.
Chelsie and Juan are very touchy as they say goodbyes. Lots of compliments are thrown around. She tells him good luck. :(
:(
She cries in the limo. We've all been dumped, in Miami, on national television, wearing silver hoop earrings, it's okay Chels, not a big deal, we've been there too, we get it.
Juan is legitimately sad about sending Chelsie home. He is still crying, and I really, genuinely, do feel bad for him.
Next week there will be two nights in a row of The Bachelor, so I'm probably going to have to skip Tuesday night church, call in sick to work, cancel my gym membership, schedule someone to regularly pick up my mail, and write a letter to my future children telling them I love them and we'll some day meet.
THE THINGS I DO FOR YOU, JUAN. I HAVE ALREADY SHOWN YOU MORE COMMITMENT THAT ALL THE GIRLS ON THE SHOW.
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| I'm sorry you were cut tonight, Chelsie, but at least this is your face. |
{Images:http://www.zimbio.com/pictures/eEwd2Aifw1P/Tonight+Show+Starring+Jay+Leno/KJACVTgS-ZG/Britney+Spears,http://www.posh24.com/fashion_pictures/top_list_6_super_cool_and_crazy_coachella_looks, http://thestrawbuyer.blogspot.com/2013_01_01_archive.html, http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056687297&page=42, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wait_(The_Whisper_Song), http://dailydoodle.net/1/bawling-gif/, http://new.spring.me/#!/r/you-re-basic-case-closed/546123300519042957, http://imissmychildhood.blogspot.com/2011/12/once-upon-time-in-whoville.html, http://www.absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=2396882}
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