Juanuary: If you're latino, why are you white?

Happy Juanuary, mijas!!

Chris Harrison decided best to corrupt our sabbath with a Sunday "countdown" edition of The Bachelor. This is exciting because I'm half way through a glass of wine on an empty stomach.

Juan looks like this:

He sounds like this:

I haven't watched the saga that is The Bachelor since season de Sean. Entonces, I'm not muy familiar con Mr. Juan Pablo.

But I can gather this much about Juan:

1. His voice does not match his appearance.
2. He has a child. Maybe two. Not positive.
3. He is over 32. Or 31. He's an old ass, either way.
4. I am going to spend the remainder of the season making golden JUAN jokes. I CAN'T JUAIT!!!!!!
5. All these dumb white girls are trying to learn espanol already. Girl, DO YOU WANT TO BE DUMPED IN TWO DIFFERENT LANGUAGES?????? TAKE A SEAT.

People who go on this show are a different breed. All of these girls are so thirsty, it's amazing they aren't hospitalized for dehydration. How are you already so obsessed with Juan??? You have never met him???? Why are you competing with 20+ other girls chasing after a man you don't even know if you like? #DESPERATEDEBBIE But that's how the show works, and it makes good TV, which makes good blogging material. I'm not judging these girls--I'm simply saying that they're all fucking insane.

I really enjoyed the part when they went to Juan's hometown and showed us his family, and what he's about. It reminds me of the segment on the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show when they show the models back stage and have them talk about their lives and growing up. It's basically the same story: Hot person with a foreign accent makes it big in America and swears that "they're the biggest dork in the world."

My favorite part was when Juan Pablo's uncle addressed him as "Juan-Carlos." Like LOL HI, DO YOU EVEN KNOW YOUR SOBRINO??????? ARE YOU A PAID ACTOR??? DID YOU LITERALLY JUST GET HIS NAME WRONG?????????????? I'M ROLLING IN MY SILLA LAUGHING.

Now getting serious.

The part about Gia really kind of pulled a tear out of my eye. The Bachelor is all fun and games UNTIL SOMEONE DIES????????? I also accidentally inhaled lemon juice 4 minutes before they played the memorial segment, but that is another story and that is besides the point. I'm glad they honored Gia during the show. It's easy to see she positively influenced other people on the show.

Now getting silly again.

These are my predictions for this season of The Bachelor, Juan Pablo.

Lucy: Most likely to take a selfie on the show
The epitome of why people can't stand Gen Y. Extremely and overly excited/bubbly. She's one of the youngest on the show, and IT ALREADY SHOWS. She will probably want to talk about her favorite Gossip Girl episodes and know all the latest funny videos on Vine. What kills me the most about Lucy? SHE LISTED HER OCCUPATION AS "FREE SPIRIT."
YOU MAKE UNPAID INTERNS LOOK DOWN ON YOU. Oh and apparently she's friends with Kate Upton, so homegirl is bound to be begging for a chance to name-drop that like an atomic bomb.

Sharleen: Most likely to dress like a baby prostitute

Renee: Most likely to be Jennifer Aniston

Lauren S.: Most likely to be a Rap God.
Homegirl is from Detroit, so you KNOW she grew up in a trailer on 8 mile, participated in rap contests, was married to a woman named Kim, and has a daughter named Haylee. America is rooting for you, L.

Kylie: Most likely to wear a fake-diamond bow tie ring.

Kelly: Most likely to be a snooze cruise.
This gem wrote her occupation as "dog lover." DOG LOVER. If you're unemployed and going to fill in that blank with something else, AT LEAST BE HALF WAY WITTY ABOUT IT.

Kat: Most likely to be too good for Juan.
This bad ass backpacked across Australia for four weeks BY HER SELF. She is adventurous and obviously a model, so unless she's a raving witch or has 6 toes, then she's probably above Juan and this whole show.

Danielle: Most likely to benefit from FRIZZ-EASE BY JOHN FRIEDA. 

Chelsie: Most likely to be a secret psycho.
I can just tell. I just can.

Cassandra: Most likely to STILL WEAR DIAPERS.
Seriously wtf this girl is TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD.  Why are you doing this to yourself, Cass???????????? Having someone love you back IS NOT THE END-ALL BE-ALL OF THE WORLD. GO LIVE YOUR LIFE.

Andi: Most likely to be as bad ass as her hair.
This bad bitch is a prosecutor in Atlanta, climbed the leaning tower of Pisa, and wants to travel the world.
ROOTIN' 4 YA, ANDI! 

Amy L.: Most likely to dress like an idiot
Seriously, you get picked to be on The Bachelor, and it occurs to you to wear a stretchy-cotton rosette shirt????? I personally can't wait to see what you pick for your opening night evening gown. 

Alli: Most likely to be the next Bachelorette
I'm rooting for this one. She was one of the only girls on tonight's episode that acted like a normal person when Chris told her she was chosen to be on the show. She didn't act like her life destiny was at its peak or that there were Disneyland fireworks in the sky. She was like oh that's dope. Also, SHE MOVED TO AUSTRALIA AFTER COLLEGE BY HERSELF AND LIVED THERE FOR TWO YEARS SO THERE.
She seems like the type of girl who is so bad ass, all other guys take her for granted and she's single forever because she doesn't settle. WE'LL SEE.

Alexis: Most likely to leave an orange mark on your white couch.
Seriously girl, lay off the Jergens and step away from the tanning beds.