The Dallas Amateur

whoever that girl is ^ ^ ^ she has no idea what she's doing with a camera machine

p.s.
The above photo was taken by the talented Julie C. 

p.s.s.
Go see my other blog for dallas-related whereabouts and whatnots.

How To Become a Texas Resident. No, but really.

Becoming a Texas resident is simple. Just follow these tried-and-true steps from someone with firsthand experience.

Step one: Vehicle registration and inspection.
Gather your relevant paperwork and Google maps your way to the nearest sketchy auto shop that will rip you off by doing something Texans call "inspecting your vehicle." Your car will ALMOST be able to pass this test. But as it turns out, you won't. You definitely won't. Why? You're a gangster. You ride dirty on the streets in your less than 25% window light transmission tint.

Non-Texas residents rolling around Dallas without having their windows inspected.

Step two: Pay four thousand million dollars de-tint and re-tint your windows.
You will have to take off work for this. Then spend a Saturday afternoon there. Because de-tinting means re-tinting and it takes too long to do it all in one trip. Also, this will be a hundred thousand dollars out of your weekly Mint spending allowance. Not that you follow it anyway.

Step three: Go back to get inspected and not have Texas insurance
OH YEAH LOL you didn't know you were supposed to have Texas auto-insurance??? Lolz like duhh who DOESN'T know that???? WHO doesn't KNOW that???????? Now you can call God knows who to get your New Mexico insured vehicle transferred to some Texas policy. This is exciting because it gives your parents another opportunity to ween your financial needs off of their payroll. ENJOY ADULTHOOD!! AUTO INSURANCE IS $65-100 PER MONTH!!!

Step four: Get auto insurance in Texas and print out a crap ton of papers to prove it to everyone throughout the following steps

Step five: go BACK to the FREAKING auto place 
The staff of this establishment OFFICIALLY HATES YOU. But at least your inspection is complete and you finally have all the necessary paperwork needed to follow the next steps.

Step six: Lose the necessary paperwork needed to follow the next steps.
The kind woman on 500 Elm street breaks the news to you. You're missing the "out of state" inspection paper. Okay. Ok. O. K. ok. k.

Step seven: Go. Back. To. The. Inspection. Shop.
They claim they gave it to you. YET WHY DON'T YOU HAVE IT. That's okay because the auto shop inspection car place and vehicle registration office are both downtown. After retrieving the correct paper from the auto shop, you go back to the registration office.

Step eight: Check your glove box and find the paper you needed all along.
It's fine.

Step nine: WTF is a lienholder???????
I graduated a four year college and managed to scrape by without being properly taught the definition (or existence) of the word "LIENHOLDER."

You will be asked this by the kind woman at the registration office.
You're so close to getting your vehicle registered, you. can. almost. taste. it.

You call your mom. You call your dad. No answer. No answer. The lady is looking at you with sympathy. Oh, poor spoiled newly grad white girl. Lienholder, lienholder, if you know if you're a lienholder, good for you, if you know if I'm one, THAT MAKES ONE OF US.

Step ten: The registration lady decides it's not that big of a deal and tells you to get in line.
Pay another unexpectedly high amount for two Texas metal plates.

Step eleven: BASK IN THE GRATIFYING FEELING OF FINALLY OWNING THE COVETED TEXAS LICENSE PLATES.
Walk out of the office feeling elation. Tweet that you're almost done with the New Mexican turns Texan process.

You're not a New Mexican, not yet a Texan.

Step twelve: Put them in your car and never actually get to putting them ON your car

Step thirteen: Ask off work to go to the DMV
Now here comes the exciting stuff!!! Getting the ID!! It's finally happening IT'S HAPPENING!!!

Step fourteen: Enter the wrong location in Google maps
How did that happen? No really. How. Did. That. Happen.

Step fifteen: Parallel park and use all your quarters to pay for an hour and a half of parking
Quarters lost a little of their luster after leaving the dorms freshmen year and not having to pay for laundry BUT STILL. $1.50 DOWN THE DRAIN.

Step sixteen: Realize it's the wrong address.
HAHA YAY.

Step seventeen: Put the right address into your Google maps.

Step eighteen: Sign in online to the DMV
I'm so on the ball! You tell yourself. Score!

Step nineteen: Get UNCANNILY lost driving to the right location.

Step twenty: Lose your spot in line at the DMV.

Step twenty-one: Find yourself in an exit only lane to Houston.
GAWD HELP US ALL.

Step twenty-two: Curse to Siri out loud alone in the car and finally arrive to said destination 48 minutes later
Whatever. You made it. You're alive. You're free. World peace.

Step twenty-three: Go through the ID process three times
Congratulations! A colonial woman has time-machined her way into 2013 and landed in your local Department of Motor Vehicle office. She will be assisting you with your final steps to becoming a Texas resident today. She has never used electricity, but she will DEFINITELY be entering your data into the computer program today.

Okay, I'm a patient person. I am. Or at least I hate confrontation, don't have a backbone, can't stand up for myself, especially to strangers, and often times that's just as good as patience. My personality is so laid back and care free, I practically invite people like this to screw up, just because they know I won't say anything.

But what KILLS ME is the picture that is my future ID. Now, I'm a girl, so I'm obligated to be a little vain when it comes to the face that will have to be inside my wallet every day for the rest of my young life.

The first time my picture was taken, it was as if the Texas resident angels looked down upon me and shed their goodness and light.

What my first photo for my Texas ID looked like.

I did the awkward machine signature, did the thumbprint thing, ya da ya da. The woman prints out the ID with my first name as my last name. It's fine. Process round two.

The second time I took my photo, it wasn't as great, but whatever.

My second picture taken for my Texas ID. Not my best, kind of quirky, but whatever.

Whatever. whatever. Signed the machine, thumbprints, colonial woman enters the data, lalala okay. okay.

NAMES. STILL. WRONG. Three-four seemingly colonial women are now crowded around the computer technologies in efforts to order the names right.

MUST. TAKE. PICTURE. AGAIN.

The third picture taken for my Texas ID. This is only a fraction of an exaggeration.

After the lady shows you your picture, you shudder, but you don't have the heart to make her take your picture AGAIN. You deal with it internally.

Step twenty-four: Become a Texas Resident

You're finally a TX resident. Bask.

Karl Does Dallas Y'all

He was here. THE Karl Lagerfeld was here in Dallas. And HE was with HER. Anna Wintour and Karl. All under one red-neck (well, not really, but compared to NY or LA, definitely) roof. The Chanel Pre-Fall 2014 Metiers d'Art collection pranced through Fair Park on December 10th.

If you're like me, you might find the fast-paced fashion industry to be a little stressful. Here we have designers galavanting their fall 2014 collections, and I'm still struggling to make my spring 2013 clothes shift into my fall 2013 wardrobe. Keeping up with the industry when you're not in the industry is a REAL TASK.

If I could, I'd dedicate more hours to flipping through slideshows on style.com, rapgenius the crap out of Eminem's new album, and of course volunteer to feed the country and world peace. Since none of us  have the time to spend hours obsessing over runways of clothes we'll never afford (although Pinterest disagrees with me thoroughly), let this blog post be of service.

And honestly, if you've been out of the fashion loop, all you really need to know is MIDI SKIRTS AND BOOTS. MIDI SKIRTS AND FREAKING BOOTS, Y'ALL. WEAR THEM.

This cozy combination dominated the Chanel show. When I first saw pictures of this collection, I imagined what it would have been like if real American frontier women in the old and wild west had worn these clothes. Could you imagine how chic the 1700s would have been if Karl was busy at work on his sewing machine in that time? When you imagine these clothes in your history books, it takes new meaning. And using your imagination is far more fun than just watching a planned, timed, and scripted fashion show.

To make things spicy, my style editors have teamed up (me alone and hungover on a Saturday) and compiled their favorite looks from the #ChanelDallas show, complete with culturally-sound sartorial commentary (me saying "totes").

I get it. Coarse tweed is everything that is the epitome of Chanel. But this outfit makes even this thin model look heavy. This look is best viewed from afar and not put on your body. 

This ensemble is like a platter of pomegranate seeds, wine, plums, craisins and almonds.

I can't wrap my head around long denim skirts I'll never get them. It's the kitten heel of clothes for me. I can't.

Most likely to be worn by every celebrity white girl on the red carpet.

Makes me wanna rain dance and speak indian sounds. 

I'm literally going to go rapgenius "Rap God" now.

Where I'm frolicking lately--weekends in Dallas

I love Dallas. Here's a list of places I went to and things I did for the first time last weekend. Also Known As. where I frolicked about lalalalalalalallalalala

1.  The Porch Restaurant. 

Oh, honey. Ohhhhhh, honey. I enjoyed a cocktail, appetizer, main dish, side dish AND desert. Could you say I got a full Porch experience? Absolutely yes. Was it enough? Absolutely not. I cannot wait to go back. Not only was the food SPOT FREAKING ON, but the service was truly genuine and wonderful. The server for my table of 5 was attentive, funny and knowledgable. And passionate. You can tell he loved his job, loved working there, and believed in the food.

The five of us ordered the calamari starter because it's supposed to be the best in Dallas. Now, I've been to Madrid, and have eaten fresh Calamari by the oceans of Santander (flips hair with stuck up nose in air, takes on a British accent) so I consider myself to have a well-pallated taste in the calamari arts and sciences.

OH HONEY. 

The calamari at The Porch was truly uncanny. Order it. I also had the crab cake salad (to die), garlic bread (couldn't breathe, so good), bites of bread pudding (holy hotcakes it was good), and the berry panna cotta (cried tears of joy like a mother does after she sees her child for the first time).

2. Avalon at Snider Plaza

I am literally obsessed with myself after getting my hair done here. Don't you love that feeling? Walk in feeling like a troll, walk out with as much confidence as Miley Cyrus with 90s boy band hair in a leotard.

Me waking up every day with roots, before Avalon Salon:

Me walking out of the salon:

If you want to know details about my great experience here, tweet yo' gurr.

3. Serious Pizza

I. Had. So. Much. Fun. Here. I ordered the "huge slice" of veggie pizza with a nice, tall cider. Fun staff and cool regulars. AND GOOD MUSIC. #Thirdeyeblind #90sgrunge. It's exactly the atmosphere, personality and raw "We don't give a shit" vibes that everyone wants from their favorite hole-in-the-wall pizza place. If you've ever been to Cafe Rio in Ruidoso, New Mexico, it's very similar in style and menu. 

Word on the (Deep Ellum) street is that they have a $5 pizza & beer deal there on Mondays. #ExtendingTheWeekend

4. Dallas Art Museum

Aaaaahhhhhh. I want to come here and just read a book (aka bring a book, and get distracted blogging). It's fun to look through all the exhibits but there is a large sitting/eating area where you could literally just go and *enjoy*. There were people reading, studying, catching up with friends and just overall having a pleasant Sunday. 

My favorite parts:

• Wendy & Emery Reeves collections and apartment replica. The apartment used to be Coco Chanel's, then she gave it to The Reeves. This replica of the apartment includes their collections and it's stunning. 
• The DMA cafe. What's my favorite part of a museum you ask? THA FOOD!!! ha. Okay, but really, the food there is no joke. I had a fresh salad with a wonderful quiche. They also had delicious fancy soup and sandwiches. Said the person I was with, "The chef meticulously put together this sandwich as if it was a piece of art itself." 
• Dallas history exhibit. It covers JFK, which was awesome, but my favorite part was a huge room that goes into the history about each district in Dallas. Learned so much and LOVED it. 

I should mention that the Visual Communications class I took this spring prepared me immensely for this museum trip.

I love being a Dallas noob. Follow me on instagram to stay uPdAtEd ~!~~~~~~