Juanuary Episode 4: White Girl Problems

Alright, here we go.

Can you tell which girls Juan said "Adios" to???? Read on, if not. And if you do, read on anyway.

The show starts out with Chris Harrison telling the girls they have one hour to pack their bags because they're going to Seoul, South Korea.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

South Korea??? Is that exciting??? Do I want to go there??? Are we supposed to be happy for the girls this season??????? I finally get to travel the world for free and I have to go to South Korea, white girl problem #1.

My reaction, after Chris H. tells me we're going to Seoul:

The girls' reaction: 

Lalala, they're in South Korea. Then the group date is announced. Nikki the nurse (#alliteration) is perturbed because she "is across the world and doesn't want to be stuck with all five other ANNOYING girls."

Nikki definitely seems like the type of girl that will have a lot of bridesmaids and friends at her wedding.

A picture of Nikki and her best friends. #whitegirlproblems

Enter: asian pop music.

"K-pop is going to take over America," said Juan Pablo, a music-industry analyst. This episode is centered around this one premonition.

Nikki rants to the camera about not being able to share things, as she didn't have to do that growing up. She makes no attempt to hide her inner spoiled selfish white girl problems.

HOLD UP BECAUSE THE GIRLS LIVES ARE ABOUT TO BE CHANGED. #MEETINGLEGENDS

The girls get to meet Seoul's most popular K-Pop group, 2NE1, not to be confused with the more normal interpretation of the band name, twenty-one.

Sean was the first bachelor to open up about being a virgin and Juan was the first bachelor to openly parade his and every man's asian fetish.

This is exciting because everyone is of course familiar with that group, and has always wanted to meet South Korea's most popular girl band. (or finally meeting a famous girl band and not even knowing who they are, white girl problem #2)

Said Nikki on the subject, not scripted at all, "Their YouTube video had 77 million views. MILLION. That is a lot of views." Thank you for the impact, Nikki.

So now the K-Pop is speaking English and teaching them a dance. This is very reminiscent of DCC: Making the Team. Kelli, the brunette/fierce coach from Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader's is going to walk in any second.

Kelli and her assistant coach assess the damage done on tonight's episode.

Kat is prepared, as she basically invented rhythm and bodily movements. The bitch can dance.

Nikki emphasizes how annoying this group date is. Nikki has a problem when someone is better than her at something. Then the surprise we all knew was coming, came: they're going to perform it in front of a live audience.

Kat is thrilled. Nikki might commit suicide before commercial break.

~*~*~*~

Unfortunately, we're back from break and she's still here.

Cassandra, former NBA dancer, is surprisingly barely on this episode. I was an NBA dancer and ABC didn't even film me when I danced on The Bachelor, white girl problems #3.

Back to Nikki.

"My day couldn't get any worse," says the gorgeous, financially stable, blonde while on vacation, as she pursues the assumed man of her dreams. So if everyone could keep Nikki in your prayers in this hard time, her family would really be so grateful.

Nikki has dance moves as good as Taylor Swift and she was forced to dance on national television, white girl problems #5

Now the girls are decked out in Harajuku girl clothes. Gwen Stefani is probably watching this episode.

Soapbox:
STOP ACTING LIKE YOU KNOW WHO "21" IS. YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD OF THAT BAND IN YOUR LIFE. PLEASE, SPARE ME THE SPEECH ABC PREPARED FOR YOU.

End of soapbox.

Breaking Update: Nikki still complaining about dancing.

Next thing we know, the asian spice girls are bringing the bachelorettes on stage and everyone is spanking themselves. The crowd is going NUTS. Neon, screaming, loud music, flashing lights, America is suddenly having vague flashbacks of boys bid night freshmen year.

Nikki, not to be confused with a good dancer, frowns the entire time.

Juan,  who can barely speak English, proceeds to sing fluently in Korean.

"Yeah, I danced with Korean's most popular K-Pop group! That's incredible! Who can say that?!" -Chelsie, a true embracer of #tooblessedtobestressed.

Speed up to nighttime. Girls and Pabs are at the house, all in cocktail attire. A single rose lies on the table.

Kat, to the camera, says, "I need Juan to know I'm more than just a fun girl. There is more to me." Kat goes into mad detail about her dad, an alcoholic, and how she's always been strong and successful. Despite her efforts, I can only say that when a girl HAS to say she is a specific something, she is most likely not that something.

My crush doesn't think I'm deep, white girl problems #6.

While Kat attempts to get Juan to think she is an ancient Greek Philosopher, Nikki engages in some old fashioned gossip back with the other girls. "Kat is one way with us, and then she's all 'who wants some guacamole' when Juan's around. There's NO WAY that's real."

and now I feel offended because Nikki is personally attacking Guacamole????????

Every girl in the house has told the camera that Nikki is two-faced and evil. We can all now expect Nikki to win this season of The Bachelor, as we know how the straight male population is with dominant, mean girls. #Vienna #TheBitchesAlwaysWin

I'm not bitchy enough to win the men over, white girl problems #7

Once the witch in the house has been identified, the "I don't want to gossip, but..." type girls surface in the snow. They begin to warn Juan about Nikki.

Sharleen gets the one-on-one date.

Now, I think Sharleen is truly stunning. However... she is so indifferent to this whole thing. I mean, I don't blame her, I'm not wild about Juan either, but I think there needs to be at least a TINY bit of interest on her part.

Cut to some other time in the night (weird editing, ABC producers???????) to Juan giving Nikki a rose. (what did I tell you....)

Back to the announcement of Shar's one-on-one date. Now we have Courtney Kerr, I mean Juan in a shower scene shot, prepping for his date with Sharleen. The camera shows Shar in her rollers. She looks glamourous even when she doesn't look glamorous; it's extremely rude.

Now Sharleen, her perfect blown out waves, and Juan are walking through the Asian market. This actually does look like fun date. Walking in a strange city trying strange foods? SIGN ME UP, HONEY.

Cut to girls back at the house. It's prime girl-time as the girls gossip and paint their nails. They all reiterate how Sharleen has blatantly said that she and Juan have boring conversation, and that she hasn't felt a connection. (LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL me and Shar share need to grab a drink drink)

I'm starting to see a fatter, homelier, less musically-inclined version of myself in Shar.

Cut back to the date. Shar tries her damnedest to make some sort of connection with Juan. She is literally pulling teeth. They sit across a small table together. They talk about how she began singing as a young girl. "If there was a degree in soccer, I would have dat," Juan says, puffing up his feathers and ego, not to be one-upped.

Shar comments that Juan has a smart-ass side to him. UM???????????? YOU WISH HE WAS A SMART ASS, HONEY. YOU ARE DYING FOR THERE TO BE SOME SORT OF EDGE, PASSION, OR EMOTION BETWEEN YOU AND JUAN.

My boyfriend's not a smart ass, white girl problems #8

"It makes you interesting and not bland, that you're a smart ass," says Shar.

Juan doesn't speak english so she had to help him out with the definition of "bland," assuring him that he is NOT bland, and the food they ate was NOT bland.

She tells the camera that Juan is more fun than expected and that the day was effortless.

*rolls eyes*

She sings for him. "Bella," he says. Then they kiss. He bit her lip. I said, "Ouch," out loud. She tells the camera he is a good kisser.

Sharleen, the LEAST weird person I've ever seen in my life, pulls the "I'm a cute dork" card, as she assures Juan she's weird over dinner.

Okay. Okay. I've about seen enough.

Then Juan goes into detail about how his dad left him in Venezuela or something. I'm a little confused about the details. ABC definitely edited out the meat of that story. Because they obviously had to leave in the IMPORTANT parts of the conversation: when Juan asks how many kids she wants.

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN.

Honey-badger Shar Shar doesn't really care about having lil niños!!!!!!! She ALL but said "I effing hate children."

Juan claims to appreciate the fact that she is a heartless robot who doesn't want to reproduce, and he gives her a rose. And kisses her.

COMMERCIAL BREAK BEFORE THINGS CAN GET ANY RACIER, THANK YOU ABC, THIS IS A FAMILY CHANNEL, WOW, GAWD, SHEESH.

Now it's group date time. The date card reads, "Krazy in Korea" The Kardashians are somewhere in the world, watching and smiling to themselves.

They end up singing karaoke and dancing in an overly floral, sketchy building. This looks exactly like the 5th floor of a 7 story discoteca I went to in Madrid called El Kapital, but that's another story.

El Kapital in Madrid. 5th floor not shown.

Juan takes the girls to get a pedicure, the kind that involves putting your phalanges in a bowl of piranhas.

My boyfriend is forcing me to get a pedicure, white girl problems #9

Now they're eating Octopus. A cuisine that Clare has expressed to be timid towards.

"This is the epitome of my fears," said Clare about the food, a woman so strong she doesn't worry about undergoing fears of normal, pitiful women. Fears like rape, death of loved ones, kidnapping, or murder. We really admire you for facing your fears of eating, Clare.

Dog lover, reports on Clare eating Octopus.

 "Herpes literally this big."

CUT TO LATER IN THE NIGHT, I CAN BARELY KEEP UP WITH THE A.D.H.D. EDITING BY THE PRODUCERS. Rennee wants to kiss Juan. Now Juan is worried about his daughter seeing him kiss too many women. He decides to draw the line at 6 (SAME HERE JUAN, I ALWAYS STOP AT SIX WHEN I'VE DATED A SUCCESSION OF MEN IN A SHORT TIME SPAN). He doesn't let Rennee kiss him. Remember this for later on.

Now Andi's ombre hair is finally getting alone time with Juan. We learn two things during this time. One) Juan cannot say "excuse me" and two) he likes to sleep in. Another fascinating portion of alone time this season on The Bachelor.

ECYEW ME?

Juan says Andi is "bella" and "perfect." BECAUSE HE HAS NEVER SAID THAT ABOUT ONE OF THE GIRLS BEFORE.

Cut to later in the night and INCOMING, WE HAVE A CRYING GIRL ON OUR HANDS.

Lauren, the music composer from Austin, cries to Juan. This part was almost as forgettable as Lauren. Moving on.
"Clare is very possessive of Juan. She's like, 'Is that a bad thing?!' I mean it's not... if you're a dog." -another profound statement by the professional Dog Lover.

Clare is alone with Juan, tells him how she threw up in her mouth and then swallowed it, after trying Octopus.

Charming.

Now things take a turn as the topic of kissing arises. Juan confirms he likes the "no kissing" policy that she established their 2nd date.

2 minutes later:

They are kissing. Tongues flying. Juan to the camera, "I know I said I wasn't going to kiss anymore, but she is so sexy, I am helpless, those lips, iy yi yi."

Ecyew me, Juan??? You're ridiculous.

Cue the Asian flute music. It's ceremony time.

Cassandra looks fierce and fabulous in a bright one shoulder chiffon gown, paired with a statement necklace and equally colorful lipstick. I cannot find a picture of her from this night on the interwebs.

Nikki crashes Clare's alone time with Juan. He hints that other girls say she is spawn of Satan. She gets really offensive, as innocent people usually do..............

She leaves Juan. She finds The Dog Lover. She confides. Clare walks up. Tensions are high. Dog Lover says, "I feel awkward sitting between you two."They are all sharing a blanket. The claws are out. Clare calls Nikki out on being two-faced. Nikki's face twists. Words are exchanged. Bonds are broken. Lives are lost.

Now it's time to send some girls back to the 'Merica's. Juan proceeds to pass out teensy baby rose buds out to the girls he still wants to kiss.

One of the girls from tonight's episode, holding her thriving blossom from Juan.

Clare receives a rose. Nikki purses her lips.

ONE ROSE LEFT. It seems like there are still 192 girls left. OMG WHO WILL GET IT I'M SWEATING.

He calls Kat.

Which means Elise and her sequin mini-skirt / chiffon maxi creation are headed back to Forty-Fort. She cries. She looks like a less hip-talented version of Shakira.

I am from a town called Forty-Fort, white girl problems #10

This also mean Lauren is going home. She gave Juan a half-ass hug as she walked out. She cries to the camera, and beats herself up for asking Juan to kiss her the other night. Lollllllllll #nottragicatall

Juan toasts to the remaining women, then as you can see in the following Vine I captured, mourns the loss of the women he just sent home.

images: http://www.aceshowbiz.com, oneasiaa.wordpress.com , www.grupo-kapital.com, www.tastewiththeeyes.com 

How To Become a Texas Resident. No, but really.

Becoming a Texas resident is simple. Just follow these tried-and-true steps from someone with firsthand experience.

Step one: Vehicle registration and inspection.
Gather your relevant paperwork and Google maps your way to the nearest sketchy auto shop that will rip you off by doing something Texans call "inspecting your vehicle." Your car will ALMOST be able to pass this test. But as it turns out, you won't. You definitely won't. Why? You're a gangster. You ride dirty on the streets in your less than 25% window light transmission tint.

Non-Texas residents rolling around Dallas without having their windows inspected.

Step two: Pay four thousand million dollars de-tint and re-tint your windows.
You will have to take off work for this. Then spend a Saturday afternoon there. Because de-tinting means re-tinting and it takes too long to do it all in one trip. Also, this will be a hundred thousand dollars out of your weekly Mint spending allowance. Not that you follow it anyway.

Step three: Go back to get inspected and not have Texas insurance
OH YEAH LOL you didn't know you were supposed to have Texas auto-insurance??? Lolz like duhh who DOESN'T know that???? WHO doesn't KNOW that???????? Now you can call God knows who to get your New Mexico insured vehicle transferred to some Texas policy. This is exciting because it gives your parents another opportunity to ween your financial needs off of their payroll. ENJOY ADULTHOOD!! AUTO INSURANCE IS $65-100 PER MONTH!!!

Step four: Get auto insurance in Texas and print out a crap ton of papers to prove it to everyone throughout the following steps

Step five: go BACK to the FREAKING auto place 
The staff of this establishment OFFICIALLY HATES YOU. But at least your inspection is complete and you finally have all the necessary paperwork needed to follow the next steps.

Step six: Lose the necessary paperwork needed to follow the next steps.
The kind woman on 500 Elm street breaks the news to you. You're missing the "out of state" inspection paper. Okay. Ok. O. K. ok. k.

Step seven: Go. Back. To. The. Inspection. Shop.
They claim they gave it to you. YET WHY DON'T YOU HAVE IT. That's okay because the auto shop inspection car place and vehicle registration office are both downtown. After retrieving the correct paper from the auto shop, you go back to the registration office.

Step eight: Check your glove box and find the paper you needed all along.
It's fine.

Step nine: WTF is a lienholder???????
I graduated a four year college and managed to scrape by without being properly taught the definition (or existence) of the word "LIENHOLDER."

You will be asked this by the kind woman at the registration office.
You're so close to getting your vehicle registered, you. can. almost. taste. it.

You call your mom. You call your dad. No answer. No answer. The lady is looking at you with sympathy. Oh, poor spoiled newly grad white girl. Lienholder, lienholder, if you know if you're a lienholder, good for you, if you know if I'm one, THAT MAKES ONE OF US.

Step ten: The registration lady decides it's not that big of a deal and tells you to get in line.
Pay another unexpectedly high amount for two Texas metal plates.

Step eleven: BASK IN THE GRATIFYING FEELING OF FINALLY OWNING THE COVETED TEXAS LICENSE PLATES.
Walk out of the office feeling elation. Tweet that you're almost done with the New Mexican turns Texan process.

You're not a New Mexican, not yet a Texan.

Step twelve: Put them in your car and never actually get to putting them ON your car

Step thirteen: Ask off work to go to the DMV
Now here comes the exciting stuff!!! Getting the ID!! It's finally happening IT'S HAPPENING!!!

Step fourteen: Enter the wrong location in Google maps
How did that happen? No really. How. Did. That. Happen.

Step fifteen: Parallel park and use all your quarters to pay for an hour and a half of parking
Quarters lost a little of their luster after leaving the dorms freshmen year and not having to pay for laundry BUT STILL. $1.50 DOWN THE DRAIN.

Step sixteen: Realize it's the wrong address.
HAHA YAY.

Step seventeen: Put the right address into your Google maps.

Step eighteen: Sign in online to the DMV
I'm so on the ball! You tell yourself. Score!

Step nineteen: Get UNCANNILY lost driving to the right location.

Step twenty: Lose your spot in line at the DMV.

Step twenty-one: Find yourself in an exit only lane to Houston.
GAWD HELP US ALL.

Step twenty-two: Curse to Siri out loud alone in the car and finally arrive to said destination 48 minutes later
Whatever. You made it. You're alive. You're free. World peace.

Step twenty-three: Go through the ID process three times
Congratulations! A colonial woman has time-machined her way into 2013 and landed in your local Department of Motor Vehicle office. She will be assisting you with your final steps to becoming a Texas resident today. She has never used electricity, but she will DEFINITELY be entering your data into the computer program today.

Okay, I'm a patient person. I am. Or at least I hate confrontation, don't have a backbone, can't stand up for myself, especially to strangers, and often times that's just as good as patience. My personality is so laid back and care free, I practically invite people like this to screw up, just because they know I won't say anything.

But what KILLS ME is the picture that is my future ID. Now, I'm a girl, so I'm obligated to be a little vain when it comes to the face that will have to be inside my wallet every day for the rest of my young life.

The first time my picture was taken, it was as if the Texas resident angels looked down upon me and shed their goodness and light.

What my first photo for my Texas ID looked like.

I did the awkward machine signature, did the thumbprint thing, ya da ya da. The woman prints out the ID with my first name as my last name. It's fine. Process round two.

The second time I took my photo, it wasn't as great, but whatever.

My second picture taken for my Texas ID. Not my best, kind of quirky, but whatever.

Whatever. whatever. Signed the machine, thumbprints, colonial woman enters the data, lalala okay. okay.

NAMES. STILL. WRONG. Three-four seemingly colonial women are now crowded around the computer technologies in efforts to order the names right.

MUST. TAKE. PICTURE. AGAIN.

The third picture taken for my Texas ID. This is only a fraction of an exaggeration.

After the lady shows you your picture, you shudder, but you don't have the heart to make her take your picture AGAIN. You deal with it internally.

Step twenty-four: Become a Texas Resident

You're finally a TX resident. Bask.

Surely I'm not the only white girl wishing she was in Grand Prairie right now?

$$$$GOOD KID MAD CITY$$$$

Once upon a time there was a little white girl named Sassy. She got a hold of the TV remote one day after school and came upon this thing called "MTV" where she saw Jay-Z rapping.

And the rest is history. 

Fast forward 13 years later to today. Kendrick Lamar is currently performing in Grand Prairie, just a short and easy drive from where I'm typing this minute. It really is unearthly how much I listen to slash enjoy his albums. It's a guilty pleasure. I don't want to talk about it, but the other day I had to wikipedia "gangs in compton" because I was getting confused about some of this lyrics #WOW #IKNOW #EMBARRASSING.

I think I really like rap music because it gives me a set of deep lyrics to over-analyze. I appreciate coming across a witty play on words or listening to the figurative language they come up with. And if you find the right artists, there will be deep songs about religion, politics and society--Macklemore's "Same Love" song anyone?????? It's not all about money and Halle Berry, contrary to popular to belief. Except a solid 98% of rap songs are still about Halle Berry, studies show. If I may, KENDRICK'S LYICS BE DOPE Y'ALL SO DOPE DOE.

WHAT I'M GETTING AT IS KL IS IN GP RIGHT NOW PROBABLY RAPPING SWIMMING POOLS (#MYFAVORITE) AND I'M HERE BLOGGING. I had serious intentions to go to this concert with a friend, tickets only 38 doll hairs, but we made a last minute executive decision that two girls at a rap concert isn't the healthiest activity on a Wednesday night in a strange city.

I fully intend on the opportunity presenting itself another time. Preferably a Friday, with more guy friends, THAT'S ALL I ASK FOR.

ENJOY YOUR CONCERT, FELLOW DALLASITES. 

{images: original here & kendrick lamar facebook page}

Nice to meet you, my name is Helga

{original photo found here}

Shoe maintenance over car maintenance

...but i refuse to believe that makes me *high maintenance*

This is a real life situation, in which I have a certain amount of money in the bank, a certain list of car issues and or impending upkeeps, and a list of shoe issues and or impending upkeeps--AND I CAN'T DO IT ALL PEOPLE. 

Walking into the nearest Kwik n Lube last week, just dropping by for an oil change, lalala, casual Tuesday activities, and the man rings up OVER $400 OF PROBLEMS WITH MY POOR LITTLE CAR. Apparently an oil change wasn't my only car problem. 

My natural first instinct is to think 

This man knows he might as well be speaking ancient mongolian to me, I can barely work the xm stereo, I'm not about to comprehend what he's pointing out to me under the hood lollololol. 

That was also my parents' first instinct. Said my parents on the subject, "Go get a second opinion IMMEDIATELY! That is UNGODLY! What on EARTH! But, yeah, that car hasn't been to a carshop in quite a while, so."

LOL.

I walked away from that Kwik n Lube about two hundred doll hairs poorer, deciding to wait on on fixing circa half the car issues. BECAUSE I really need to buy work-apropriate heels. SO WHILE I MAY DIE ON MY WAY TO WORK NEXT WEEK, I WILL AT LEAST CRASH IN EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL, CHIC SHOEWEAR.

In my ever-growing mission to be chic, I headed to the local Terget today for a black heel sans studs, spikes or brass knuckles. I was extremely disappointed. I only found ONE pair that remotely met the standards, and they didn't have my size. AND the shoes were so out of order and disorganized in regards to size and color, it sent my retail-brain into meltdown mode, and I had to leave the premises.

The shoe premises, anyways. I comfortably made my way to the pants area and bought two of them. And actually, maybe this was just an unfavorable Target, but the shoes, bags, sunglasses, clothes--ALL OF THE ABOVE WAS A REALLY SAD, FEEBLE JOKE OF A COLLECTION. WHO'S THE TARGET BUYER????? WHERE IS THE PRABAL GURUNG??????? That's all I want to know.

What I'm looking for:

the perfect work heel

High heels / Libertine black stiletto / High heels / High heels / High heel stiletto / Nude high heel shoes / High heels / Shuz toe cap / High heels

vintage photo: etsy.com