The Bachelor Episode 5: The Seahawks Weren't the Only Ones to Score This Week

As you will learn in tonight's episode, the Seahawks have scored all week.

We have landed in Vietnam. Rennee is chosen for the first one-on-one date. Biggest news so far: Andi is the whiner of this episode.

They go bike riding. Or should I say Juan is riding the bike, with Rennee resting in the front in some sort of bike-cab machine.

Juan and Rennee, riding through the streets of Vietnam <3

"She's 32, I'm 32, she wants a family, I want a family...she's just like me!"

The date card asked if Rennee is the right fit. As it turns out, he is having a customized kimono made in her size. Okay... AWWWWWW :):):):): That is precious. What a cute gift.

Juan buying Rennee clothes in Vietnam on tonight's episode.

During the sizing, Rennee starts sweating profusely. Getting measured in front of your true love, yes, we understand the nerves. Juan leaves for two minutes and comes back with a paper fan and begins to fan Rennee.

Another "AWWW" escapes my lips.

They proceed to take really cute pictures together just frolicking along the street vendors. They decide to shop for their children. This date is really cute. Juan actually is a really sweet guy.

Rennee is DYING to kiss Juan. She thirsty.

Rennee. 

Now it's nightfall. Things are about to get serious.

They have an entire restaurant for themselves, chic lanterns and candles involved. OKAY THIS DATE IS TOO PERFECT, I AM TRYING TO FIND SOMEWHERE TO BE CYNICAL AND I CAN'T.

Then Juan asks about Rennee's baby daddy. Rennee goes into detail about how she was young when it happened, 21, you know, THE AGE OF HALF THE GIRLS ON THE SHOW RIGHT NOW. Juan says, "I think there is something here between us."

Something awkward happens that involved Juan blowing air on Rennee's face but it does NOT turn into a kiss, I repeat, there is NO lips ACTION.

"She is so full of life, and she is the same age as me, and I just see her and I see myself." -Juan

America, listening to Juan.

 He offers her a rose.

DOES JUAN KNOW HOW THIS GAME WORKS??? HE CAN'T CHOOSE EVERY SINGLE GIRL. HE CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH EVERY SINGLE GIRL. WHICH HE IS.

Rennee is head over damn hills for Juan, even though he still hasn't kissed her. Now they're pushing floating lanterns into the water. I can't imagine how beautiful that would be in real life.

OKAY JUAN FINALLY JUST REVEALED WHY HE STAYS ARM LENGTH TO RENNEE

He says it's because Rennee has an 8 year old son who is old enough to know about kissing, and how complicated it would be for Rennee to explain why she is kissing someone. He said he wants to take time and not put pressure on her.

is this happening???? am i gaining respect for Juan??? is this the 4th time i've said "aww" in just this one episode?? i don't want to talk about it...

GROUP DATE TIME. Card: can you go with the flow?

Here we are, by a body of water. Dog lover starts talking to the camera about how everyone hate's Clare. And when people have to pair up with a friend, Clare has no one. Yet, Clare has Juan. She paired up with Juan. Two people per every boat, just like Noah's Ark.

I think Clare knows exactly what she's doing.

S.O.S, THE BOAT IS CAPSIZING, JUAN HAS FALLEN ON CLARE AND SHE APPEARS TO BE DROWING AND OMG WHAT IS--

oh wait that's just Juan face-attacking Clare. "Just wanted to give her some besitos!" he squeals.

Okay.

The other girls sprout horns and devil's tails while they paddle, brooding how pissed they are Clare is getting kissed. Andi, especially.

Now Juan has invited himself into a "stranger's" house, where this man just happens to have the exact number of tiki hats and baskets on hand for everyone to wear. Fancy that. Now everyone's getting to work in the garden and water herbs.

Andi speaks to the camera. Furious she hasn't had a one-on-one date. She takes her anger to Juan in the garden. Juan calms her. I'm pretty sure all he had to do was make eye contact with her and she was like OKAY I'LL STAY, I'LL STAY, I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW.

The girls literally hate Clare.

"I'm just going to be Clare." -Clare. good strategy.

I'm literally eating Frito's and veggie sticks right now. Anyways.

The group date continues. Alli seems suspiciously normal for being on the show this long. Not one sign of desperation or insanity. Odd.

Sitting at the mansion, dolled up in evening gowns, Juan comes in and pulls Clare aside WHICH BLOWS EVERYONE'S MIND BECAUSE THEY'VE ALREADY HAD SO MUCH ALONE TIME TODAY--NONE OF US KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING OR HOW HIS BRAIN WORKS.

Chelsie suggests that the girls go give Clare the rose. hahahahahahahhaha i kind of want them to do that hahahah so bad so funny.

WAIT NOW JUAN AND CLARE ARE IN THE POOL??? IS THE SHOW CANCELED??? THIS IS STILL A GROUP DATE, KIDS!!??????? Juan is like obsessed with Clare. He cannot keep his manos off of her. And the other girls know it.

Whiplash, because now Juan Pablo is dry and in clothes and with Sharleen. Homegirl dazzles in a backless maxi dress.

"I need to know that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears." okay so that's one way to put it???????????????????????????? Weird????

He kisses Sharleen.

He kisses Andi.

He rounds up all of the girls and says, "Honestly, today was amazing." WELL YOU KISSED 294 WOMEN, SO I'M SURE IT WAS, JUAN.

Then guess what.... you guessed it. Clare gets the rose. Andi says she feels like an idiot.

Wait I don't know what's happening now, Clare is escaping to Juan's oceanside room and asks him to go swim in the ocean. He immediately hugs her. Then they change clothes and run off into the bathwater ocean. Clare says how much fun it is to escape with a hot man into warm ocean water for a spontaneous 4. a.m. dip.

America hates their lives right now.



AND THEN IT HAPPENS. NONE OF US WERE PREPARED FOR WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

Clare tells the camera she let go over her fear and let herself be vulnerable, and goes into gushing detail about how it was the best nights of her entire life, and how everyone deserves to feel like that, and something about how a baby giraffe has wiggly legs.... so..... hmmmm.... I'm not one to think with my head in the gutter but I'm 99.8% positive something fishy went on in that ocean and it wasn't fish.

Now it's time for a one-on-one date with Nikki. "She's gorgeous, smart, and sexy too," says Juan about Nikki. Please don't get this confused with the exact same thing Juan has said about every other girl in the house, and maybe the world.

We all already know what's going to happen because of commercials. So let's get to the life-threatening cave-diving, ABC.

"It really feels like I'm on a date with my boyfriend!" says sweet and innocent Nikki. YEAH, YOUR BOYFRIEND AND 9 SISTER WIVES.

Nikki gets to the cave. She cusses. She admits to not being able to form sentences. She gulps. She says she can't see the bottom of the cave. She talks about her mom.

She keeps talking about how she's not in control of her body and she feels like she's going to fall down the cave. Which thoroughly confuses me, because you can CLEARLY see that she is strapped in a harness. LIKE, YOU'RE IN A HARNESS!!???!?!?! BUCK UP, SISTER.

Juan kisses her, she says it gives her the strength she needs, I roll my eyes and puke in my mouth all at the same time.

Now I'm even more confused than five seconds ago because it looks like they're in a tiny little village. They're walking around. This is like Alice in Wonderland. #HellCave #Hellofagoodtime.

WHAT? WHERE AM I???? Now they're both fully dressed in cocktail attire and eating dinner. I can already tell Juan plans on kissing her. They continue to have extremely dull conversation. Then Juan tries to say the word "Pediatric," bringing something entertaining/interesting to the conversation.

Sorry I resort to Juan's thick accent so much in this blog. Don't mean it to be offensive. I think.

Nikki starts talking about her passion for helping sick children and it's actually really sad and touching... :( She tells the camera that her feelings are growing for Juan. yay.

Okay, at this point she's talked about children and having kids for at least 9 minutes and we're all bored. He gives her a rose to shut her up.

Juan reveals to the girls that he will be sending three girls home tonight, and that this will be extremely hard for him (because that means that's 3 less women he will get to kiss).

If you didn't think Clare and Juan did it BEFORE her toast, you definitely did AFTER her toast. SHE IS WAVING HER "I'M A FREAK" FLAG LOUD AND PROUD.

"Here's to falling in love, finding love, and .... making love!" -Clare, giggling.

Juan panics on the inside, but mutters something in a thicker-than-normal accent, and pulls Andi aside. HE KISSES HER. HE IS THE MOST PREDICTABLE MAN ON THIS EARTH.

"I'm liking these girls. I don't know what I'm going to do." He talks to the camera about each girl separately, saying nice things about all of them. He admits he is really lost and confused. I feel lost and confused just writing these blogs about him.

He kisses Rennee. She is more excited than a 3rd grader in disney land.

Rennee, immediately after kissing Juan.

Juan pulls Clare aside to tell her that he is "too fair" to all of the girls and that "the whole situation" when they were in the ocean was weird for him. (Wow, they ABSOLUTELY did it). He says he hopes his daughter didn't see him and Clare go into the ocean and "do... that thing..." NOW CLARE STARTS BAWLING AND I KIND OF DON'T BLAME HER YIKES THIS IS PAINFUL FOR EVERYONE.

America reacting to Juan reacting to Clare reacting.

JUAN HAS OFFICIALLY ADMITTED HE REGRETS SLEEPING WITH CLARE, MAS O MENOS. She says she feels stupid, but I think the word she's looking for is slutty.

Juan tries to console her but the damage is done. Both physically and emotionally at this point. She says that the conversation blindsided her. She doesn't know where the go from here because "there was no mis-communication when they were in the ocean." Now, I'm not a language expert, BUT THAT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE BODY LANGUAGE TRANSLATES UNIVERSALLY, EVEN FOR JUAN.

"Clare and Juan come back to the house and I sense a little tension between them." -Nikki.

LOL YOU COULD SAY THAT AGAIN, SISTER.

"It takes a lot for me to even like, open up." - Clare.

LOL NO IT DOESN'T, HONEY.

All of the girls can tell something is going on. Juan and Clare have had 2 private talks, she's cried, she already has a rose, and three are going home. No one knows what's going on. Chris emphasizes this in his speech before bring Juan back for the ceremony.

LET'S SEND THE DOG LOVER HOME, JUAN.

Sharlene gets a rose.

Cassandra gets a rose.

Chelsie get's a rose.

Kat and her overly exposed boobs get a rose.

Alli, dog lover, and Frizz-ease are sent home. Juan is literally crying. Sharleen is literally crying. I am about to cry I think. Everyone is upset. I mean Sharleen is literally like uncontrollable at this point. Does she think they're getting executed??? She is inconsolable.


Adios...

woof.

I'm not super shocked by the girls he let go. But I did laugh when he started crying. At least we know his heart is in alive and well. among other body parts.

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