The Bachelor episode 6: Uncovering the mysterious depths of Juan

I have to admit, it's getting harder and harder watching The Bachelor every week. I often feel like the lonely half drunk/half sober person left at the party at 4 a.m. I'm just trying to keep calm and Juan on.

NEW ZEALAND, BABY.
This episode is going to be good solely because New Zealand has to be one of the most b a d a s s and beautiful places on the planet.. You'd have to be an idiot to pass up the chance to see New Zealand, in love with Pabs or not.

"It's like Colorado and Hawaii had a baby." -my roommate.

The date card arrives. Clare appears and opens the card.

Andi is the only one who hasn't had a one on one date yet. Which I can say for myself on behalf of America, WTF????

"Let's heat things up," -the date card.

Clare is VEHEMENTLY pissed that Andi got the first date and not her. Because it's obvious that Clare hasn't had enough one-on-one time with Juan. Obviously. How dare Andi get time alone with Juan over Clare!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????!!!! TO HELL WITH THIS SHOW. THIS IS SO UNFAIR. WHY ISN'T CHRIS INTERVENING THIS HEINOUS CRIME??????????????????????????????????

my real reaction to Clare's hostility. 

Now we have Cassaundra complaining about not getting the one on one date. She says something about wasting time. She and Jennifer Anniston (Rennee) talk and cry together in the dark on a porch.  I feel like the airplane scene from Bridesmaids is about to happen. Any second, Rennee will tell Cass she has a face of sunshine, and order a glass of alcohol.

Clare and Rennee in tonight's episode.

Andi, as most of the girls have addressed, "haven't gone in depth" with Juan. Yet what's more fascinating is the fact that all these girls think there is something to dive into in the depths of Juan's brain.

We now see Andi and Juan boating a thousand mph on the Pecos River New Zealand river. The boat driver announces they're going to go swimming. THIS LOOKS FUN, BUT I'M TRYING TO CONTAIN MYSELF. Juan has an unfortunate bathing suit on. Andi wears a one piece ass-suit. It's yet to be confirmed whether the water is hot or cold. They continue to walk through black water weaved between terrifying, treacherous pathways of underground cave-age that they can barely fit through. Claustrophobic people would be crying in the fetal position.

They finally get to their destination.

Atlantis. Unicorns, rainbows, four leaf clovers, a choir of angels, chocolate fountains, shooting stars, and rainbows with pots of golden coins surround them. They obviously make out.

A mysterious, yet sultry smoke escapes the mountain top, seemingly from nowhere, oh wait it's a geyser, where Juan makes a face at a wine he doesn't like.

The whole date is so unreal, that I can't even........ I can't. #sobeautiful #amomentofnonsarcasm

Andi and Juan continue to talk. The conversation appears to be as deep as ever.

Andi and Juan, engaging in a cerebral conversation of sophistication and mystique in tonight's episode.

Girls back at the house:
A date card magically appears on a tree stump in front of the house.  who put that stump there? did they buy that tree stump? or did they cut a tree down? did an intern have to carry and put it there?

"Let love roll." blah blah blah which means CLARE GETS THE SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE SO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET'S JUST HOPE TONIGHT'S THE BACHELOR DOESN'T TURN INTO AN EPISODE OF GIRLS, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. If you don't watch girls, then you don't.

Back at the date, Juan and Andi continue their extremely serious, deep conversation.
"Are you okay?" said Juan.
"I'm more than okay." said Andi.

They watch the geyser. Andi can't wait to have a family. If there wasn't hummus in front of me, I would have literally already fallen asleep on my keyboard watching this.

Juan unzips his jacket.

OH GOD, NO JUAN, NOT NOW, WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE IN THE OCEAN AT 4 AM

oh wait he's just pulling a rose out of his jacket. He gives her the rose. They kiss. He teaches her the word "besitos." They hold each other's face. He kisses her cheek. She smiles. I stab myself.

Back from commercial break, we get an eyeful of aerial shots of Rotorua and DEAR LORD WOW SO GREEN AND BEAUTIFUL WOW.

Scenery and ambience all around them and all the girls can talk about is how beautiful Juan Pablo is.

Cassandra announces that today is her 22nd birthday. HAHA. She is my age, has a child, and is in a competition to win over a man 10 years her senior, that she may or may not even be interested in.

Breaking up the tension of the awkward group date, Chelsie steals Juan away to make awkward animal noises that the producers evidently felt the need to keep in this episode.

-Four seconds later-

Everyone is half naked and rolling down hills inside of human-sized golf balls.

Juan recaps the day: "Six beautiful wee-muhn... me switching from ogo to ogo."

Juan kisses Nikki inside of the human golf ball.

They end up at "Hobbitan" which was the set of Lord of the Rings. I'm not even into those books or movies and I think that looks cool.

I've decided I can't think of many things more awkward than a group date. Here you are with 4-5 other (probably prettier and more interesting) women, and you have to A) pretend you like the girls B) try to decide if you like Juan C) Go with the flow that you like everybody and try to get Juan alone ALL WHILE D) NOT LOOKING PSYCHO.

Rennee and Juan grab some alone time. Juan is clearly not interested in her, because it's been over 30 seconds and no sudden lips to lips action has yet to be made.

OH--WAIT--THERE IT IS. Juan plops one on her.

"I would love to kiss Juan Pablo for the rest of my life." -Rennee.

Okay, Rennee.

Now Nikki gets alone time. She tells the camera that she doesn't want to leave here with regrets--she wants to leave here with a husband. OKAY, HONEY.... now this is where it should be obvious to everyone that there are some girls that want to find the one and there are some girls that want to find love and YES THERE IS A DIFFERENCE. Nikki is clearly only interested in finding "love" and she doesn't care who it's with!!! Any guy who comes along, fits with her good-on-paper list, and shows her attention, SHE WILL WANT TO MARRY.

Whereas other girls are genuinely concerned with finding the one.

Which brings me, and the next scene, to Sharleen.

First off, she barely sits down with him and he ATTACKS HER LIKE A LION TO A GAZELLE. If you watched last week's episode, Juan likey this little panda. She says "Well you don't waste any time do you!" after pulling away from Juan's face, 3 seconds after sitting down with him. She is about to go into a spiel about whatever she is over thinking in her head, but Juan just keeps kissing her. HOME GIRL CAN'T GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE. Juan's face is like a magnet to hers.

Cut back to the house. It's Cassandra's birthday blah blah blah.

I don't even think Juan knows it's her birthday. I literally don't.

Now Cass is with Juan. Apparently he has managed to safely pull himself away from Sharleen. Cassandra, yet another girl making the mistake of thinking there is "more" to Juan, tells the camera she's determined to "get on a deeper level" tonight.

An image I found that depicts what this season's girls thinks Juan's brain and personality looks like. deep oceans of mystery.

She goes into a long song and dance about her past blah blah blah, Juan is like barely focusing, staring at her with his mouth open.

IT'S TIME FOR JUAN TO PASS OUT ANOTHER PRE-CEREMONY ROSE. WILL CASS GET IT???? IT'S HER BIRTHDAY, AFTER ALL.

He gives it to Sharleen. In a weird turn of events, he pulls Cassandra aside. He tells her a succession of really nice things about her that he likes, which only means one thing... he is about to drop a bomb on her.

HOLY EF THIS IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN ISNT' IT???????? THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING??????????

HE IS ABOUT TO END IT WITH HER ON HER BIRTHDAY.  

He tells her he doesn't want her to be away from her son. He tells her she has grown in her time here. As she is only 21, this may be true, and may be the wisest thing Juan has said this whole TV show, maybe his whole life, maybe.

This part was really hard to watch A) because it is obviously painful for Juan to tell people goodbye and B) IT WAS HER FREAKING BIRTHDAY. I thought she handled the break up quite swimmingly. They left on good terms--quite friendly.

WE'VE ALL BEEN DUMPED ON/AROUND OUR BIRTHDAY IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL*

*Me after being dumped the day before my 22nd birthday last year. FUN TIMES.

She says "I saw everything I wanted in him. I could see myself with him. And it's been a while since I've seen all those things in someone."

HONEY, YOU'RE 22, YOU'LL MEET OTHER MEN, YOU'RE FINE, I PROMISE.

what do i know, i'm only 22????????????????????????????????

OH GOD NOW ABC IS PLAYING THE SADDEST / FUNNIEST / BEST / WORST MUSIC IN THE WORLD.  HAHA. I wonder how many white girls just googled "break up song from the bachelor juan pablo season"

Juan breaks the news to the other girls that he just sent Cassandra home to be with her son. He tells the girls that the next weeks are going to be very hard on him. The creepy song playing in the background says "Loooooooooovestrruuuuuuuuuck" and it gets weirder by the second.

Back from commercial break we see Juan skyping his daughter. I literally forgot he even had a daughter. Is this the first time he's skyped this whole season??????? AY, DIOS MIO, DONDE SU HIJA THIS WHOLE SEASON??? POR QUE YOU NO SKYPE HER EARLIER?????

It's time for the solo date with Clare.

Juan tells her he feels horrible about telling her he totally regrets doing the tango with her (i mean in so many words).

Blah blah blah Clare says she doesn't want to be weird in front of his daughter.

The convo remains on their ocean shenanigans, and while it's boring and redundant, it's still probably the  ~*~*deepest ~*~* conversation that has happened this whole season. He tells Clare that he doesn't kiss, go on dates, spend the night, look or think about women in front of his daughter. Okay.

He tells the camera he needs to know more about Clare.

They proceed to kiss for 3489349 hours.

They end up on a couch. Clare says she is happy that Pabs apologized for calling her a slut in Vietnam. 

Side thought: Juan is actually really attractive. But the second he opens his mouth and lets the world know what goes on inside his head just ruins the whole picture. That's all I wanted to say.

We have to listen through Clare telling Juan how "much of a man" he is, how well he handled the situation, blah freaking blah, Juan's brain is about to fuse from going 5 minutes without kissing, and now I ..................

WHAT IS HAPPENING???????????

Juan and Clare are putting on harem pants??????????? WHY. IS THE MAN REPELLER BEHIND THIS??? IS THIS A THING IN NEW ZEALAND???????/ WHO BOUGHT THOSE??????

This episode of The Bachelor brought to you by The Man Repeller.

Juan tells the camera how attracted he is to Clare. I mean, he is literally SOOOOO into Clare. I think this might be a genuine infatuation. GRANTED, HIGHLY SEXUALLY INDUCED, but genuine. He says "iy yi yi" repetitively to the camera when he talks about Clare.

ENTER ABC'S CHOICE OF MUSIC.

We have Juan and Clare dancing alone in a living room wearing the matching harem pants. I realize that this is sounding really cynical, but truth be told, my roommate and I just uttered an, "awwwwwww," in unison, followed by a "blehhh that was cute blehhhh." The weirdness of the harem pants coupled with the simple, chill, couch set up, with no over the top geyser or Atlantis waterfall, was just adorbz.

After commercial break, we see Juan in a gray suit, brown man-shoes, and sunny, green scenery.

CHRIS JOINS US. I just love Chris! He is so level headed and normal and makes me feel a little abetter about myself for watching this show.

"I go on a date and I'm like... this could be! Then I go on another and think.... this could be too!" Juan, talking to Chris about going on hundreds and thousands of dates with all the women and liking all the women. So many women, so many things.

Serious music is playing and everything is feeling really intense. It's been established that Sharleen, Clare, and Andi have roses at this point.

Joining the women in a Zew Zealand mansion, Juan feels the heavy tension in the room. The women are silent. Juan comments on it. He is wearing lilac, with pink underwear, as he just pointed out to Nikki, on their one-on-one time.

Less than one minute after sitting with Nikki, Juan sticks his face down her mouth. THIS MAN CANNOT CONTAIN HIMSELF AROUND THE OPPOSITE SEX. I FEEL LIKE HE IS 15. Nikki decides she wants to talk instead of kiss, so she attempts at conversation with Juan, AKA she talks to the barely-understandable, two-word responses from Juan's brain.

"There is nothing more attractive than a woman talking about her kid." -Juan.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

He leaves Nikki, and tells the camera he has a lot of thinking to do tonight. Which begs the question, what does Juan look like / do when he does a lot of "thinking" in one night??????

Juan, alone in his room, brainstorming which women he truly feels a connection with.

Chelsie breaks down the situation to the camera who she thinks Juan will let go. It is revealed that her and Kat are the only women (in the world) who haven't been kissed by Juan.

SHE PULLS JUAN ASIDE.

Chelsie is under the impression Juan wants to have a conversation about herself and the things she wants. He responds with "mmhmm.....mhmmm....mhmmm." She says she feels more confident after their talk, however, my keen sense for the male intuition tells me that he wasn't really listening.

Juan, talking to Chelsie.

NOW KAT GETS HER CHANCE TO CONVINCE JUAN SHE IS THE ONE.

She cordially invites Juan to her own personal pity party. Something sad happened in her life "that she never tells anyone" (except the entire American nation).

And blah blah blah she's ready for the next phase of her life blah blah something about the words "reward and risks."

Chris says hello to the girls and gives them a little insight into their stay at NZ, and inadvertently giving them all the most intelligent conversations they've all had in weeks.

IT'S GO TIME.
Juan enters the room. He tells them his future wife is in this room OH GOD.

Nikki gtes a rose.

Rennee gets a rose (which I am actually kind of shocked about, but Juan likes his single moms).

CHELSIE AND KAT ARE LEFT. BATTLE OF THE BORING BLONDES.

"Send them both home." -my roommate.

Chelsie. gets. the rose.

The camera shows Sharleen crying. Like last week's episode, Sharleen thinks that the girls are executed when they don't get a rose.

Goodbye, Kat.

She was gorg. R.I.P.

Kat shows her honey badger strength and leaves with Juan with a casual smile/goodbye. She breaks down in the limo. She says something about a marathon, and not getting up to speed.

Then she says something kind of heartbreaking.

She says she is tired of people telling her she is a catch, and yet constantly getting turned down.... :(

Back with the girls, Sharleen is about to drown in her tears. Her guilty conscience is getting the best of her as she is unable to compose herself. She tells the camera that she knows the other girls fit him better than her.

She is obviously battling the decision between leaving Juan or staying for the free traveling. By the looks of the commercials, I can see that she waits it out and travels more.

I knew Sharleen was a smart girl.

hehehehehehehehehehehhehehehehhehehheheehehehhe

Next episode looks like a cross between Gossip Girl and Animal Planet.

A screenshot of the commercials promoting next week's episode.

{Images: http://www.celebquote.com/8699, http://www.nationalgeographic.com/adventure/0510/sports/new_zealand_trekking.html, http://www.ontheredcarpet.com/video?id=9376449, http://gifrific.com/justin-timberlake-face-change/, http://blog.zap2it.com/frominsidethebox/2014/02/the-bachelor-juan-pablo-takes-andi-to-a-geyser-for-their-one-on-one-date.html, http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/17668078-skin-deep, http://elitedaily.com/life/the-25-gifs-that-perfectly-describe-going-to-college-in-new-york-city/, http://twicsy.com/i/QVnc3d, http://www.scottburkett.com/entrepreneurship/prince-is-a-marketing-idiot-683.html, http://www.maniacworld.com/Animal_Fights.htm}