Is it just me or is everything on the radio, TV, and internet centered around backsides????? Revolved on the rear????? Abundant in booty?? okthatsalligot
In this blog, we'll go over the events leading to the year of the pair shape, and try to understand why this is happening and how we feel about it.
"He can tell I ain't missing no meals"
Feeling like I need to get tested after watching this video.
Anaconda by Nikki Minaj. Where do I even begin? Whose idea was this? Is Sir Mix A Lot making crazy royalties right now??? Who is Troy from Detroit? What does Drake have to do with anything?? I'm uncomfortable???
Spoiler alert, there is nothing redeeming about this song EXCEPT for the lyric seen above.
He can tell I ain't missin' no meals.
Nikki spits out this original diddy in-between awkward stories about Troy and Michael, may God bless them both.
We get it, Nikki. You lift 3 lb weights and consume all your meals in the jungle and all of this is just giving the ass-bandwagon more gas.
Jen Selter, forever known as the girl who works out a lot, but apparently only squats, because I don't know if anyone else has noticed but the rest of her body is normal, DARE I SAY BORDERLINE WEAK.
JEN SELTER, IF UR READING THIS, I CHALLENGE THEE TO AN ARM WRESTLING MATCH.
Me losing an arm wrestling match to a woman in a leopard top, July 2013.
But rly, srsly, who is Jen Selter and where did she come from and why is she ruining all of our lives? Like even I, someone who has always been under the impression I had a decent backside if I must be forced to say so myself, can no longer feel confident in that statement because this barely legal girl from New York exists. And it's fine. It's fine. At least I have my blog and my dignity.
Another thing: Apparently it's possible to have over 4 MIL followers on Instagram and no Wikipedia page, so I have no faith in the internet anymore.
The frustrating part for most women in America is that her Instagram media is just photos of her backside, without any nutrition or fitness tips. AT LEAST WHEN KIM KARDASHIAN POSTS A SELFIE, WE KNOW THE PROCESS OF HOW IT GOT THERE.
Throw us a bone, Jen Selter!!! How did you do it???? What do you even eat???? Do you even go to school?? Are there chairs in your house or do you squat while you do homework???? What do your parents think about this???? What is your favorite color???
I JUST THINK THIS IS INFORMATION WE SHOULD ALREADY KNOW. WHAT IS SOCIAL MEDIA EVEN GOOD FOR.
Also, I think she invited the world #belfie, which is truly only something that could only happen in 2014 by Generation Y.
Miley twerking (or something)
This picture gets me EVERY TIME
What's a good example without a bad example? Miley proved to the world that you can talk the talk without walking the walk (er twerking the twerk).
I still went to her concert and it was still awesome so I'm going to just stop here.
The most original music artists of the year
WAY TO COME OUT WITH A SONG TITLED "BOOTY." VERY GROUNDBREAKING AND CONGRATS TO YOU BOTH FOR THIS OUTSTANDING CONTRIBUTION TO SOCIETY.
While Miley can't twerk to save her spanx, JLO & Iggy prove just the opposite. They recently came out with the song "Booty" and let me tell you something, it makes "Anaconda" sound like "Imagine" by John Lennon. IT IS SO PAINFULLY ATROCIOUS. IT'S NOT EVEN THE TYPE OF CATCHY THAT YOU HATE TO LOVE. IT'S JUST BORING.
At least anaconda required a fraction of creativity to come up with (?). Never thought I'd stick up for the song Anaconda but this is what my generation has brought me to.
In JLO & Iggy's defense, they do indeed know how to shake it, and own it. Unlike our next subject who can't shake it and owns it.
Almost, T
ok but i freakin luv this song <3
I applaud Taylor for her awkward attempt in joining in on the ass trend and then shaking it off when she realizes she just can't. White girl just can't even. But she knows it and she owns it and we love her for it and I want to shake shake shake until I die.
I wish I had some pear shape references from TV but I am bad at TV and somehow twerking and high waisted shorts aren't on the History channel or reruns of The Office, idk, it's really weird.
And then we have Yonce, who just really SETS THE STANDARD FOR WOMEN IN AMERICA REALLY LOW. NOT.
hi. IT'S BEEN A WHILE. I know you already know this because you've had a lot of sleepless nights over it, but just to put an exact number on it, I HAVE NOT BLOGGED IN OVER THREE MONTHS. ya, let that soak in.
There have been a few futile attempts to whip up a post in the past few months, but for one reason or another, there was never a click on that "publish" button. So this blog is going to be my shot at doing a wrap up of the past few months, and hopefully a start back to regular blogging because I have some topics up my sleeve (more excuses to talk about myself and basic things of the such).
i spent hours meal prepping just so i could attend like 831 work happy hours the same week it's fine
it was 2 p.m.
it moved me
see i told u
more on this later.
I WENT ACTUAL VIRAL ONCE IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL
this is important
#AWintersTale #ABadMovie
you know
i thought my TV was broken for a whole weekend until I called someone and they told me how to work the remote. TV is rly hard
you know???????????????????????????????????????????????
2. Making effing incredible Spotify playlists
So like, idk what it is, but God blessed me with the gift of music curation, that's all i'm saying, i'm not bragging, i'm just saying.
I'm into this really hipster thing you've never heard of cuz ur basic called "electronic R&B". Here it is. I'm listening to it now in fact.
It was one of my goals to get into worship music over the summer because I've honestly never liked it that much lol. This isn't something I would typically do, but I have really amazing friends who push me to do things like this and so here I am. Here are some christian songs I can actually deal with, and a few I'm basically chronically obsessed with, so here you go. (some aren't technically "christian" but when I hear them, it just makes sense to go in this playlist because i'm a music scientist and i know these things ok go with it)
3. Casually just getting in car wrecks etc.
Ya. I was in Addison driving my car (balla, shot calla, 20 inch rims, on the 2009 BLUE CHEVY IMPALAAAAA) with two friends. I wasn't texting, or drinking, or anything illegal (except being criminally good looking), and I was crossing the toll road, trying to get to Gloria's, facing the sun, and ran into another girl kind of head on. It was rly kewt (everyone was fine calm down) A cop came and did whatever cops do in those situations and we couldn't decide whose fault it was so it was fun. Don't worry, the Impala was still intact enough to make it to Gloria's afterwards because #thereisaGod.
Oh. also. Whilst my car being in the shop, I had to rent a car. A car not of my choosing. Usually I'm excited when I get to rent a car from the Chevy dealership, because you know, driving a car that's not yours is fun etc, well. I WAS HOPING TO RENT A CHEVY MALIBU BECAUSE I'M A MOTHER IN MY 40S, BUT INSTEAD THEY GAVE ME A CAMARO.
A CAMARO.
A. C A M A R O.
It's fine if you drive a Camaro, I get that, it's a hip car, sure, but sometimes I just don't want to lay on my back while driving a car, and sometimes I want to see out of the windshield, idk, i'm old fashioned i guess idk.
4. Moving apartments by myself up three flights of stairs with no elevator etc
And when I say by myself, I mean with 2 men I paid, but yeah, you get it. And before you give my blog a judgmental look, I'll have you know, I OWN A COUCH AND WASHER AND DRYER AND THAT SH*T DOES NOT MOVE ITSELF. okimdone
5. Connecting the dryer cord to the wall
This was an actual ordeal, but I survived to blog about it, and I'm seeking support groups with people who've been through this experience as well.
23 is hard
6. Posting photos of my ankles on Craigslist and looking for new ones
Ya so this is a great story. Shortly after moving to an elevatorless apartment, I sprained my ankle. walking. on flat surface. in flat shoes. WALKING IS HARD. It's an ordeal of a story that I would feel comfortable telling you over drinks that you buy me.
So, yes, I got in a car wreck, moved apartments, and sprained my ankle all within a 30 day span because 23 is hard.
The following video is how i walk in flats. Also, I've seen this like 18 times because it's that funny.
And about how to land a man (this actually has nothing to do with me, but I'm an eye witness and contributor to all these things so read it).
Her blog is called "Just PMSing" because PMS are her initials, and I'm explaining this because I know my mom is reading this and about to text me asking questions.
8. Freelance writing. A lot.
Sometimes i blog about the bachelor for free, and sometimes people pay me to blog about things.
This is Aretha Franklin TEARING UP DAT PIANO. She isn't touring, she was singing just for a benefit. It was kind of surreal when she sang "Respect," because, I mean, come on. America. I feel thankful I had the opportunity to see her.
I saw the queen.
Ryan Tedder of One Republic. He sang "Apologize," and I was happy.
I got to go to most of these concerts for free, because friends of a friend, ticket drop outs, etc , I'm not a millionaire, don't get it twisted.
I WAS LITERALLY THE NEXT TABLE OVER. he is just as good looking in person, and so sweet. This was at Nobu, where I was for a friend's birthday. She got a pic with him. We all talked about Tech. He asked me to marry him. Lalala.
10. Shopping 4 vinyl
I bought a record player one fine Saturday afternoon and it's kind of life changing. I bought my first record that same day. Robert Johnson. I just felt like it was a good "I'm a white girl buying my first record" album. (also, pls go buy all your records at Bill's Records on Lamar street in Dallas because he is the best).
As fate would have it, my brother-in-law owns a ton of records that he doesn't use anymore. And gave them to me <3<3<3<3 with frames <3<3<3<3 and they're pretty<3<3<3<3.
11. Obsessing over history
There is no other way to say that, and I get that I'm the absolute biggest loser within a 3 mile radius off uptown right now. I read all of Genesis in August, and watched The Bible TV series in 2 days, and it just kind of kicked off this really weird itch to know about everything B.C. I've never read Genesis start to finish before and it was an experience.
You can ask my roommate, who has to deal with me recording things about "Solomon's secret treasure" and "The History of the world in 2 hours" and all things Egypt and Old Testament.
It's like grossly carrying over into my social media habits. After reading stories from the Old Testament, I would go Pinterest for images of art depicting it.
Destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. This story and how Lot's wife turned to salt blows my mind a thousand times and I have zero idea who painted this so don't ask.
BB CONTEST, JUDITH IN FIRST PLACE, AMMIRITE
In addition to my newfound obsession with the Old Testament and all the things history, couples perfectly with the fact that during this time my church did a series called "Skeptical" and it was more or less life changing and earth shattering, but that's neither here nor there.
11 is a good number so i'm going to stop k good talk everyone
