Juanuary Episode 2 Recap: Some people are vulnerable, some are naked

Okay, here we go.

First date with Claire:

• Juan blindfolds Claire in front of the mansion in front of all of the other (screaming) girls, which is something that can only be compared to what it's like on bid day when the rush buses drop the new PNM's off at their sorority home, greeted by dozens, or hundreds, of screaming girls with signs.
• They are in a winter wonderland.
• I thought this was in L.A.??
• Whatever.
• Claire declares to the privacy of the camera connected to the population of America, "It's just so hard for me to open up and be vulnerable. This is just so hard for me to put myself out there like this."
• Which confuses America, because we were under the impression she was just ice skating, not sitting in couple's therapy with Juan, rehashing her deepest secrets and darkest pasts.
• Enter: hot tub. 
• Enter: most generic date ever.
• She gets a rose.
• We're all so surprised.
• We are all just really on the edge of our seats.
• "When I look into Juan's eyes it occurs to me I could be falling for him. I may have just gone on the first date with my future husband." 
• Okay, Claire. Okay.
• Cue the random live band in the snow.
• Then they continue to do what obviously just comes naturally.... dancing in the snow, in bikinis. Like, it's snowing. ABC interns are standing on ladders somewhere and dumping freaking corn flakes and paper in front of fans so that this desperate hairstylist can feel "vulnerable."

Me, the last date I was on, when ABC interns were throwing snow on me.

Meanwhile at the house, Lucy, the really young "free spirit" forgets that she's on national TV, thinks she's on spring break in Port Aransas, and proceeds to wade topless in the hot tub. NO MARDI GRA BEADS TO BE HAD, LUCY. PUT YOUR BABY GAP SHIRT BACK ON. #someonelikesattention

Next one-on-one date: Kat.

• This sassy blonde mama is a dancer, which Juan enthusiastically replies with, "Thas very very gewd." 
• "Sitting with Juan Pablo, there is no place I'd rather be." Really, Kat? Because I highly doubt that. You wouldn't rather be invited to the academy awards???? Or meet Justin Timberlake???? Or watch a live recording of SNL??? Or be given a million dollars by Mark Zuckerberg??? Think about it, Kat.
• Juan has made it clean in this episode that he "loves giving surprises." WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE REALLY WHITE, JUAN, BUT IT'S OKAY, GOOD TRY.
• They find themselves in a private jet. Not outrageous for a first date at all.
• Suddenly they're in light up sweatpants, running in the dark through a lit-up maze like fortress, and land in what appears to be an EDM rave, which was most likely time travel into lights all night in Dallas for NYE '14. 
• And then what really happens is actually worse than that.
• YOUR FIRST DATE JUST TURNED INTO A 5K, HONEY. A 5K. HOPE YOU'RE EXCITED TO GET YOUR RUN ON FOR THIS FIRST DATE.
• Nightmare.
• BUT WAIT BECAUSE IT GETS WORSE..........................
• Because post run, we see Kat and Juan LITERALLY GRINDING IN LIGHT-UP SWEAT SUITS. Which is disturbing because the rest of America is sober on the couch with their family, so this sight is less than pleasant for everyone involved. 
• Then they find themselves on a stage, where more God-awful dubstep music plays on, and a rose awaits her.
• They make comments about having "chemistry" and "electricity" between them while the screenwriters and producers all pat themselves on the back.

Group date:

• I told you Chelsie was psycho. 
• "The postcard said like, 'say cheese,' so like maybe it's a photoshoot or something or maybe we're like eating cheese.... I'm good at both..." -The Dog Lover
• "He looked great, his arms are ripped. We were all drooling in the limo." DON'T SAY THAT IN FRONT OF THE DOG LOVER, SHE'LL TRY TO PET YOU AND TAKE YOU HOME.
• They arrive at a studio for a "partnered-up photo shoot."
• FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IT'S A BUNCH OF DOGS. THE DOG LOVER IS GOING TO SUFFER HYPERTROPHIC CARDIOMYOPATHY. 

Side thought:

I kind of have a problem with Bachelors that choose to do photoshoots as a date idea. This isn't effing America's Next Top Model. SOME OF US AREN'T PHOTOGENIC, JUAN. SOME OF US HAVE "A GOOD SIDE" THAT PHOTOGRAPHERS NEVER SEEM TO CAPTURE. SOME OF US PREFER BLUR AND FILTERS THAT OLD IPHONES AND INSTAGRAM CAN PROVIDE US. that is all.

Oh and then low and behold. SOME OF THE GIRLS HAVE TO POSE NAKED. Weren't you half way expecting this, though???? Like is anyone even surprised???

if you were to tell me i would have to pose with only a cardboard sign on national TV.

Well the blonde felt the same way. So she trades her costume with Lucy. And Lucy decides it upon herself to walk her dog on a busy street naked. Cue snoop a loop and the green hat, BECAUSE IS GOING SOMEONE IS GOING STREAKING.

That solves one problem, but Andi is still up in a tizzy that she has to pose naked. And I mean like PISSED-tizzy, not just play-fake-tizzy. Homegirl is agitated. 

UNTIL...

Juan assures her that he will also be naked. "Oh my, God, really? You would do that for me? Wow, you are so brave." (Cue real men, who have actually exemplified REAL bravery, rolling their eyes all over America, being forced by their wives to watch this)

"I could kind of tell that this wasn't in his comfort zone either." -Andi. 

YEAH BECAUSE HE DIDN'T COME UP WITH THIS DATE OR ANYTHING OR AT LEAST APPROVE THIS ENTIRE DATE IDEA OR ANYTHING AND DIDN'T JUMP AT THE CHANCE TO VOLUNTEER NAKED AT ALL OR ANYTHING.

Come on, Andi. You and your ombre hair are smarter than that.

I think my favorite part was The Dog Lover getting body-painted brown and white. That was so tragic.

"It's like a dream, except like with 12 other women." -Victoria. lol

THEN A MOMENT OF TRUTH HAPPENS....

Cassaundra apparently is a baby mama. So she pulls Juan aside, on a balcony on top of a tall building, to break the news to Juan that she has a son, no doubt ready to push him the hell off of the balcony if he doesn't approve.

I mean... DID SHE REALLY THINK HE WOULD BE UPSET ABOUT THAT??? HE HAS A CHILD AS WELL, CASS.

"I like totally feel butterfliez." -Cassuandra, post moment of truth.

THEN ANOTHER GIRL PULLS THE "I HAVE A CHILD" CARD....

Renee pulls him aside and they immediately start talking about her son, which he responds with a story about his daughter, which makes me feel like I'm on Facebook and every twenty-something newly-mom is in a secret battle for "WHO'S KID IS THE CUTEST" competition. Then Renee firmly states, "I didn't kiss him all the way, I left him wanting more." No, you talked about your kid's drawing and then mouth-fumbled. I don't think he wants more.

THEN THINGS GET INTERESTING AS VICTORIA GIVES EVERYONE FLASH BACKS OF BAR PM.....

Victoria, who is no doubt still hungover as you read this

Victoria, bless her soul, is just trying to yolo her way through this group date. She's as drunk as a little milked-out baby. But she thinks she's not which is even better because then she comes out with the quote of the night: I'm not a dog, I'm just a bitch. #lol #weseewhatyoudidthere

And then something amazing happens.

Victoria, in prime form, gets drunk to the point of crashing someone else's one-on-one time. As in walks over there, gives them a dirty look, and walks away. 

"She is just really desperate," -said the Dog Lover, clearly showing her graceful observing skills as well as her uncanny self-awareness, because she is definitely not desperate, clearly.

Victoria stumbles to the bathroom, cusses, cries, gestures to the producers, drops F bombs, and is all around re-defining the phrase, "hot mess express." It's clear she just misses tailgate season. Everyone just turn on some football and let her work out her post-tramautic-football-season-stress-disorder on her own.

Juan finds her crippled on the bathroom floor as she cries. His accent does not woo her out of the stall. He describes how "It's not easy being in this situation. I feel bad for her." To which America responds, ARE WE MISSING SOMETHING?????????? ARE THE GIRLS GOING THROUGH MILITARY BOOTCAMP TRAINING OFF CAMERA OR SOMETHING?????? WHAT ARE THEY GOING THROUGH, EXACTLY??? LIVING IN A MANSION AND DRINKING FREE WINE????????????

Fast forward to the Dog Lover, whose name is apparently Kelly, is given rose. 

All the girls comment on how great Juan's accent was in the face of turmoil, err, dealing with a drunk girl. 

It's the next morning now. Juan visits Victoria. #TFLN

She goes, "Welcome to the crazy train.. welcome to Braaaazzeeeeeel!" Then switches gears and says she is embarrassed and mortified. But it's too late. Juan's corazon is offended. He tells her to leave. Not even bother waiting for the rose ceremony. This isn't a Zach Galifinakis movie, V.

And can we talk about the M&M commercial????????????? 

What the ef was that???? WAS THAT CHELSIE??? I'll die if he chose Chelsie to be his wife.. More importantly, I DON'T THINK A REALITY STAR FROM THE BACHELOR IS IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO SIT ALONGSIDE THE YELLOW M&M ON A NATIONAL TV COMMERCIAL SPOT that is just my humble opinion.

Towards the end of the episode:

Blah blah blah, Cassaundra cries, blah blah blah, misses her son, etc, but THIS IS WHY 97% OF MY FRIENDS ARE GUYS BECAUSE ALL THESE GIRL TEARS ARE DRIVING ME INSANE.

Another thing--YOU DON'T FOOL ME, CASSAUNDRA. You're just trying to get attention from Juan, crying and pulling the "I have a child" card. YOU FOOL JUAN, BUT NOJUAN ELSE lol #cracksselfup

The rose ceremony:

• Cassaundra gets first rose, convincing young impressionable girls all over America that if they want a guy to love them, they simply need to have a child first.
• A bunch of girls I don't even remember are given a rose
• The music gets intense
• Sharleen, the honey badger from episode one, gets a rose and gives a really weird thank you. Great dress, though.
• Renee, the other mom Juan is obsessed with, gets a rose.
• Who is ef is Danielle? Idk but she gets a rose.
• I finish eating my peanut butter and rice cake.
• Lucy, wearing clothes this time, gets a rose.
• I see multiple tight white mini dresses in this ceremony.
• This season is brought to you by J.Lo's designs and high fashions.
• One rose left, three girls to go.
• Amy, the impromptu news anchor from earlier in the night, IS NOT CALLED. Kristi is called.
• Whoever that is.

Despite the loss, Amy is gracious and gracefully leaves. Her hair looks great. 

Ok, then this part is actually kind of sad...

Chantel leaves with the message, "He was everything I was looking for. He is why I was here. I just haven't dated in so long," and trails off into there-are-things-going-on-beyond-just-Juan-heart-broken-girl tears. Which is kind of sad because she was really hoping to be the next Trista, or at least the next Vienna. 

until next time, juanuarians.