Juanuary Episode 3: Pay-yamas & Pool Parties

I decided from now on, when a girl gets cut, my cat's face would replace hers. (sorry, Dog Lover).

let it be known that towards the end of this already too-long blog, I managed to exit out of blogger.com, and a part of this post was erased into interwebs and beyond, never to be retraced, and by that point, I had not the strength to recover, so enjoy this partial-recap. Continue reading at your own risk.
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Scene: girls together in mansion headquarters. am I watching a Playboy party scene from The Girls Next Door or The Bachelor????? It's getting hard to tell.
Enter: Christ Harrison, on trend tonight in his color block button up.

Harrison, in all his mysterious glory, omnicsently leaves a letter requesting a one-on-one date to Cassandra, from Juan. Cassandra is a former NBA dancer, who Juan likes to emphasize "Likes to danssssse."

"I haven't had a first date since I was 18 years old," says Cass, 21-year-old, mother of a two-year old.

Hmmmmm. Peculiar.........

Now, I'm not good at math, but I can gather this much about our dear friend Cassandra: She has sex on the first date.

On their first one-on-one date, J & C jump in a four-wheeler together, driving into a lake, which magically transforms itself into a boat. A boat. So now we all know what Michael Bay has been up to.

"Juan Pablo is, uhh, ton of fun," Cassandra articulately points out.

Renne and Elise get deep together talking in the blue and yellow pillows, at which point ABC throws in the sad piano music, just in time for Elise to talk about how her mom passed away. Having flashbacks of the last time I got emotional during an episode of the Bachelor as visions of Gia.

Whiplash, because ABC immediately cuts back to the one-on-one date with Cassandra, where tears and piano music are immediately replaced by a screaming half naked newly-mom on a jet ski, which quickly turns into frisky, ocean action with a certain latino someone.

Cut to girls talking  s m a c k  back at the mansion.

Cut back to Cassandra and JP drinking wine, now dry and clothed, in a *separate* mansion. Seconds later, they're pointing at children's paintings taped to the fridge. I'm sure half of America thinks that is very sweet and precious but I am yawning.

"The last time a guy cooked for me...was...never," says Cassandra. ABC is really doing all they can to build America's deep-rooted hate towards C's baby daddy.

Cut back to the mansion, where the single, heavily wine-laden and desperate women wait for a letter to announce the next group date.

Cut back to the one-on-one date, the longest date in the history of time, where Cassandra states for YET A THIRD TIME, that this is her first date in THREE years, also known as, ABOUT THE SAME TIME SPAN THAT IS THE AGE OF HER CHILD. PECULIAR.

Juan enthusiastically tells the camera, "Daaaaaaaaang, Cassuandra es beautiiiiiful."

Now we are looking at pictures of both of their children, and all I can picture is me ripping them apart in their cozy little romantic dinner and showing them pictures of my nephew, no doubt cuter than both of their little monsters.

Anyways.

Juan observes that she is a, "great mom, a protective mom." I can tell JP likey the C because there is some mad sexual tension the whole date. No surprise here, C gets a rose.

Thank God ABC cuts to a commercial break, all of us were needing a drink of water after that.

Now we have Juanski kicking the soccer (or should I say el futbol???) around with his bros, or random male specimen that ABC made to look like his fellow amigos. Pissing off coaches and maintenance men everywhere, the limo drives the girls onto the stadium grass and drops them off, where they march into the sunlight, fully make-up and dressed in brightly colored dry-fit exercise gear.

Juan says something about "comfort zone" but none of us were able to make it out exactly.

The dog lover is worried about this athletic date. "Do I look athletic at all???" No, dog lover, you don't. Your berry-colored lip gloss and grape-colored eye shadow in painful broad daylight definitely do not look athletic.

Now the girls are trying to kick the ball into the goal. Here is where I'm glad I'm home on the couch blogging and not trying to impress a man with my motor skills.

Ahh, now the girls have split up into teams, red and blue, donning face paint, knee socks and the works. Shit is getting really real, really fast. Dog Lover is struggling. One of the other girls is worried about Dog Lover. America is worried about Dog Lover. Andi and Nikki claim to be competitive. The girls are hurting each other. Kicking balls at each other. Sharlene gets hit in the face. She keeps playing. Sharlene is a man-she. Nikki scores. Where did those gold sports bras come from????

The blue team is losing, so Juan plays for them and proceeds to make all the girls drool, playing worse than ever. "That was fown," Juan announces, trying to make it seem like he is talking about the soccer game and not the fact that women are LITERALLY chasing him. I mean literally. They are chasing him, trying to score, and this time in more ways than one.

What appears to be a photo of a classic Christmas movie, is actually a photo of tonight's episode of The Bachelor, cocktail party.

Game over. Now it's night time and everyone is wearing a cocktail dress, Grinch style--two sizes too small. These bitches mean business.

Nikki, in a skirt that is as short as she is determined, emphasizes how important it is to her to get Juan alone. Her short skirt succeeds. Their alone time together, scantily clad Nikki and sweater/pants Juan, looks like an awkward Ashley Madison commercial.

Cut immediately to Andi's alone time with Juan, in an equally short and tight skirt. They are making out in an abandoned kitchen. "That kitchen was a hot kitchen," Andi points out.

Original, Andi.

I'm starting to think Juan is having a little too much fun. He just wants to make out with everyone. like, HI JUAN, CAN YOU PLEASE DECIDE YOUR FEELINGS ON A GIRL BEFORE JOINING CARAS.

By now, you and me are the only girls in America who haven't had their first kiss with Juan.

Now we're in the middle of the soccer field with Sharlene. All the other girls can see their one-on-one time. I mean, it's tad obvious under the beaming lights, being in the middle of the field and all. SURPRISE SURPRISE, he kisses Sharlene.

Juan is probably about to kiss the cameramen.

Now Andi is in a tizzy because she wasn't the only one who got kissed tonight. Andi, like most contestants, forgot the main function, purpose, and nature of this show. But I digress...


Juan is gathered around all the girls now, talking in a group. Lucy, the Professional Free Spirit, stands by with wet hair.

NOW WE ARE ALL CONFUSED BECAUSE NIKKI GETS A ROSE AND JUAN DIDN'T EVEN KISS HER. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S REAL ANYMORE.

The other girls feel on edge. Or maybe they're just all getting sick, sharing all these germs. This whole mansion is a petri dish.

Ahh, now cut to Chelsie's one-on-one date with Juan. If you recall, Chelsie is my "secret psycho" prediction. We see Chelsie and Juan singing spanish music in the car. Chelsie tries to pretend to be really interested, but we all know she is the type who knows nothing about the spanish culture unless you count Selena and Taco Bell. It's okay, Chels. Gringas unite.

Cut to girls at the mansion, where Elise and Cassandra bond while talking crap together. "She just seems like a BABY to me," Elise, 27, preaches to Cassandra, 21. Cass awkwardly pretends she isn't a mother and isn't under 25 during these moments.

Then Chelsie gets asked to go on a one-on-one date, with a letter that asks, "Do you trust me?"

Chelsie proclaims to be "up for adventure," as they step into a Venezuelan restaurant. "So far so gewd. Chelsie seems to really trust me. Trust es important," says Juan, always on the ball with good adjectives and diction choice.

Here is where we see a bungee cord and a bridge.

Me, on my date with Juan, running away as fast as I humanly can from heights.

Chelsie regrets saying she was up for adventure. She was only up for adventure when it meant tasting foreign food and men, NOT THROWING HERSELF OFF OF BRIDGES.

Feeling something I was not expecting to feel, I am overcome with sympathy for Chelsie. Because I could NOT do this and I'm not even embarrassed or ashamed to admit that, I will say it loud and proud, because I am not the girl that needs to come off like a bad ass. I AM NOT A BAD ASS. I DO NOT DO HEIGHTS.

Commercial break. Phew. Because I feel like I might get shaky any hot minute now.

And we're back. Now Chelsie is whimpering and crying. Probably because Juan is wearing jorts. Juan kisses her like a puppy. She is clearly just milking it, wanting him to kiss her. It works. Camera does a close up shot on her TOMS. Chelsie shops at Chrome.

Now they're doing it, THEY'RE DOING IT. THEY'RE DOING IT AND IT'S HAPPENING.

Nope. jk. Just kidding. They back up. Juan and his accent are trying really hard to console her.

I feel like I've been watching this one scene for 89 minutes.

Chelsie is in full-blown tear-mode and now I feel like this scene may be the most real thing that The Bachelor has ever recorded. She decides to man the F up. Juan's jorts give her the strength and courage she needs.

They jump. She's alive. They bounce around, feet dangled to a cord. Juan kisses her upside down.

I'm glad that's over, I can't handle much more adrenaline for a Monday night.

Now they're at a dinner. "Thanks for making me do that," Chelsie, still high on endorphins, gushes to Juan. Juany-bear finds this a perfect opportunity to bring up his daughter.

Juan, alone with the camera, comments on how "maternal" and "motherly" Chelsie, a non-mother, seems to be. Which begs the question... JUAN. IF ALL YOU WANT IN A WOMAN IS "MATERNAL QUALITIES" WHY DON'T YOU JUST DATE MAMA JUNE??????????????????????????????????????????????????

Another example of a confident and maternal woman. Another example of Juan's type.

The two pretend to eat. They giggle. ABC inserts strings acoustics. Chelsie compliments Juan on his upside-down kissing. Well, Chels, Juan's been around the block. Upside-down and around the block.

"You can't top what happened today," Chelsie announces. SOMEONE CHECK HER VITAL SIGNS BECAUSE THIS IS THE TALK OF SOMEONE SUFFERING A CONCUSSION.

Billy Currington and band manifests before their eyes, singing a song I've never heard. They dance, etc. Camera cuts to Juan commenting that "Chelsie could have everything he wants."

Juan has officially made the same comments on every single girl in different word-order.

Juan sneaks into the apartment, on a mission to see them with no make up or hair done. "I want to see them real life," Juan clarifies, and thank God, because for a second, I was afraid he was wanting to see them in fake life.

He begins cooking in the kitchen. A hot man cooking breakfast in the kitchen might be every girl's dream. The dog lover is the first to see him. She temporarily forgets that this is every girl's dream and is too scared to make eye contact because she doesn't have make up on.

Rennee, a Dove "real beauty" campaign brand ambassador, proudly waltzes up to Juan in the kitchen, in all her morning glory, sans bra, make up, and insecurity. "I also didn't brush my teeth," Rennee assures the camera.

Incomes Claire.

"Claire look really gewd in Pey-yamas."

I don't even know who tf Claire is, but Juan sure does and he likey the Claire in her Payamas. Now I'm half-convinced that Juan is pulling a Sophia Vergara, milking the CRAP out of that accent.

He decides to replace the cocktail party with a pool party, or "Peu Pahty," says Juan. Also known as, Juan wants to be surrounded by half-naked women.

Juan is a pig!!! I'm so over him. He's not even that attractive and his personality is so boring.
I said it, get over it.

Cut to Dog Lover "dogging" (lol see what I did there) the other girls. "I think you need to be considerate that there are other girls," she astutely observes, talking about the other girls to the camera, "And that you look like a whore," she says. Did my TV just accidentally switch to Mean Girls or is the Dog Lover 14 years old??????????

After the rose ceremony, we are sad to see two of our dear girls go.

Just kidding.

PEACE OUT LUCY AND KRISTIN!!!! I have no recollection of Kristin, but HOW COULD YOU FORGET LUCY???  Clearly Juan isn't interested in Professional Free Spirits.

"Everyone deserves to like, have love, and something so so so so special." -Lucy, having a deep moment before she parts the show.

The cast of The Bachelor and America, bidding their farewells to Lucy.