2014: The year of the pear shape

Disclaimer: This blog is about ass.

Is it just me or is everything on the radio, TV, and internet centered around backsides????? Revolved on the rear????? Abundant in booty?? okthatsalligot

In this blog, we'll go over the events leading to the year of the pair shape, and try to understand why this is happening and how we feel about it.

"He can tell I ain't missing no meals"

Feeling like I need to get tested after watching this video.

Anaconda by Nikki Minaj. Where do I even begin? Whose idea was this? Is Sir Mix A Lot making crazy royalties right now??? Who is Troy from Detroit? What does Drake have to do with anything?? I'm uncomfortable???

Spoiler alert, there is nothing redeeming about this song EXCEPT for the lyric seen above.

He can tell I ain't missin' no meals.

Nikki spits out this original diddy in-between awkward stories about Troy and Michael, may God bless them both.

We get it, Nikki. You lift 3 lb weights and consume all your meals in the jungle and all of this is just giving the ass-bandwagon more gas.

#Seltering

Sorry about the G rated picture.

Jen Selter, forever known as the girl who works out a lot, but apparently only squats, because I don't know if anyone else has noticed but the rest of her body is normal, DARE I SAY BORDERLINE WEAK.

JEN SELTER, IF UR READING THIS,  I CHALLENGE THEE TO AN ARM WRESTLING MATCH.

Me losing an arm wrestling match to a woman in a leopard top, July 2013.

But rly, srsly, who is Jen Selter and where did she come from and why is she ruining all of our lives? Like even I, someone who has always been under the impression I had a decent backside if I must be forced to say so myself, can no longer feel confident in that statement because this barely legal girl from New York exists. And it's fine. It's fine. At least I have my blog and my dignity.

Another thing: Apparently it's possible to have over 4 MIL followers on Instagram and no Wikipedia page, so I have no faith in the internet anymore.

The frustrating part for most women in America is that her Instagram media is just photos of her backside, without any nutrition or fitness tips. AT LEAST WHEN KIM KARDASHIAN POSTS A SELFIE, WE KNOW THE PROCESS OF HOW IT GOT THERE.

Throw us a bone, Jen Selter!!! How did you do it???? What do you even eat???? Do you even go to school?? Are there chairs in your house or do you squat while you do homework???? What do your parents think about this???? What is your favorite color???

I JUST THINK THIS IS INFORMATION WE SHOULD ALREADY KNOW. WHAT IS SOCIAL MEDIA EVEN GOOD FOR.

Also, I think she invited the world #belfie, which is truly only something that could only happen in 2014 by Generation Y.

Miley twerking (or something)

This picture gets me EVERY TIME

What's a good example without a bad example? Miley proved to the world that you can talk the talk without walking the walk (er twerking the twerk).

I still went to her concert and it was still awesome so I'm going to just stop here.

The most original music artists of the year

WAY TO COME OUT WITH A SONG TITLED "BOOTY." VERY GROUNDBREAKING AND CONGRATS TO YOU BOTH FOR THIS OUTSTANDING CONTRIBUTION TO SOCIETY.

While Miley can't twerk to save her spanx, JLO & Iggy prove just the opposite. They recently came out with the song "Booty" and let me tell you something, it makes "Anaconda" sound like "Imagine" by John Lennon. IT IS SO PAINFULLY ATROCIOUS. IT'S NOT EVEN THE TYPE OF CATCHY THAT YOU HATE TO LOVE. IT'S JUST BORING.

At least anaconda required a fraction of creativity to come up with (?). Never thought I'd stick up for the song Anaconda but this is what my generation has brought me to.

In JLO & Iggy's defense, they do indeed know how to shake it, and own it. Unlike our next subject who can't shake it and owns it.

Almost, T

ok but i freakin luv this song <3

I applaud Taylor for her awkward attempt in joining in on the ass trend and then shaking it off when she realizes she just can't. White girl just can't even. But she knows it and she owns it and we love her for it and I want to shake shake shake until I die.

I wish I had some pear shape references from TV but I am bad at TV and somehow twerking and  high waisted shorts aren't on the History channel or reruns of The Office, idk, it's really weird.

And then we have Yonce, who just really SETS THE STANDARD FOR WOMEN IN AMERICA REALLY LOW. NOT.

The 5 Best Things About Going to a Miley Concert

As a young person in the workplace, I often receive a lot of flack. A lack of life experience and understanding of movie quotes pre-90s means you are the brunt of all office jokes. So what do I do to remedy this curse? GO TO A MILEY CYRUS CONCERT. BECAUSE THAT IS CLEARLY THE ANSWER TO EARN RESPECT AS A MILLENNIAL IN THE WORKFORCE.

It is what it is. When your high school besties group text you asking, "Miley concert?" your answer should always be yes. Besides, I'm twenty-two. If there is ever a time in your life when you can get away with going to a Miley concert, it's when you're twenty-two or fifteen whtvr

So since the damage is done, I came, I saw, I twerked, I'd like to take a moment to reflect on my youth/last weekend and rehash my favorite parts of experiencing a Miley concert.

Favorite part #5: When Miley flew through the sky on a hot dog

My phone died in the beginning of the concert #worstthingever, but I managed to capture this important moment in time. What is better in life than witnessing a flying hot dog?????? I've yet to think of even ONE thing.

Favorite moment #4: When "Tesselate" by Alt J started playing

I love me some Alt J. Whoever the #Bangerz production designers hired as a video/graphic designer to create this little kaleidascopal vid, did a great job. I mean, what do I know, but I enjoyed it. Me and  all the nearby 14 year olds.

Fave #3: Being reminded that I'm a 90's bitch

So there's that. I own that. That's mine. I thought it was A GREAT idea at the time. I even stood in line and paid $40 for it. I said THIS SHIRT MUST BE THE BEST INVENTION SINCE PB2, YES, MY ANSWER IS YES. 

Now that I'm a week older and wiser and broker the question that must be asked is, WHY, AUGUSTA, WHY??? WHERE WILL YOU EVER WHERE A SHIRT THAT SAYS "BITCH"?????????? 

Regrets aside, seeing Icona Pop was a mildly surreal feeling because I associate "I love it" with graduating college/last semester of senior year in undergrad, and that, my friend, is a beautiful memory.

#iboughtaIMA90SBITCHtshirt #IDONTCARE #ILOVEIT 

Fave part #2: Hanging out with old friends.

All of our phones are dying after the Miley concert #WhiteGirlProblems

Love these ratchets. #meow

There are only a handful of people on this earth that you can completely be your weird, unfiltered self around. I've known these two girls since diapers. They know me so well it's disgusting--BUT SO BEAUTIFUL. On the plus side, I can literally do/be/say anything around them and not feel judged. Which is wonderful, because I'm a respectable woman at a Miley Cyrus concert and I need not feel judged in this hard time.

On the down side, they're so used to me, I'm really not that funny to them anymore. They laugh at my jokes, of course, but I'm not the same level of funny to them, that I might be to a person I just met (IF THAT MAKES ANY SENSE). They're so immune to my isms/quirks/sayings, they can easily listen to me talk to myself in a 2 AM cab ride and neither judge it nor laugh at it.

Anyways. Spending a weekend in San Antonio with these two weirdos was like a week of spring break packed into two LOADED days. Hashtag no sleep hashtag no sobriety hashtag how'd we end up in the VIP section? hashtag where's kenzie? hashtag where am I? hashtag i'm hungry hashtag how do people live in a town without uber hashtag i'm scared hashtag SELLEENNNASSS hashtag so much for my bustier

My favorite memory with these girls was about the last ten minutes before saying goodbye Sunday afternoon. We were in the bathroom of Magnolia's Pancake House, where we brunched, and I managed to laugh so hard I cried at something only the three of us would understand. ahhh, momentzzz<3

#1 Best part of the BANGERZ tour

THE FAMOUS TONGUE

It's hard to top being with my girls, but there is only one thing that could be my favorite #MileyMoment. It was so refreshing being in a place surrounded by accepting people. Of course the people at the concert were enthusiastic about the show, but it wasn't just them.

People we met at miscellaneous restaurants and bars around San Antonio had the same positive reaction. Whenever it was mentioned that my friends and I were in town to see Miley, the reaction was always "How exciting! That's going to be so fun--you'll have a blast!" Or "I'm SO jealous!!" Or "That's going to be wild!"

And you know what? I bet the people at the concert, and the people we talked to, aren't all psycho Miley-obsessed freaks. They're normal people with normal values in life. They're just accepting of things that don't align with that. Miley is a weird little nugget, there is no doubt in my mind, but instead of being surrounded by negative Nancies who only put it down, I was around people who embraced the weird and encouraged the freak flag.

Wear an unflattering leotard? Sure. Twerk in front of a stadium-size kitten? Why not???? Fly on hot dog? Hell yeah.

You go, Miley. You do your weird thang. I'm gonna Instagram it.

Some more wonderfully weird memories: