The Bachelorette Episode 2: Not to be confused with Magic Mike

Finding it hard to be snarky about the beginning of this episode, knowing that Eric has died. He was really cute. And this is really sad.

We start out with Chris getting the men excited about Andi, ensuring them that, "She's one of the best there's ever been." WELL SH#T????? THAT IS KIND OF A HUGE COMPLIMENT, ALRIGHTY, OKAY.

Andi sweeps in the room, confidently basking in the center of attention, in all her turquoise-top glory.

Commercial break for a really scripted Suave commercial, starring a past Bachelorette I've never heard of in my life.

Andi takes Eric out on the first date, ripping all of our hearts out. They start out on a beach, which is fun, Andi wears a white bikini, when all of a sudden a helicopter picks them up and TAKES THEM TO A SNOWY MOUNTAIN?????? I don't understand how this is geographically possible, which proves that Chris Harrison and the producers behind The Bachelorette can literally conquer all impossible obstacles, do anything, be anything, CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN, SWIM EVERY OCEAN, AND GRANT THE WISH OF EVERY BACH CONTESTANT.

Eric goes into jaw-dropping detail about how his travels through Syria as a "journalist" when he thought he was going to die. Andi is enthralled. I am enthralled.

She has commented on his looks 347-352 times, just this episode. Eric finishes his story, talks about how family would always come before travels, and it's all just really f#cking sad.

"I can't tell you how many times I've been to a beautiful place wishing there was somebody else." - Eric

me watching this with my laptop open, on the couch

Back at the testosterone-filled house, the men going on the first group date are announced.

Andi gives Eric the rose, because HOW COULD YOU NOT, HE WAS THE TOTAL PACKAGE.

They ate dinner at a cabin which looked really perfect. #Wine&Marshmellows

Andi makes goes all Magic Mike on America and makes the men strip, which makes me 10 kinds of uncomfortable. Marcus had a solo, and he wasn't happy. But it went well for him because he is really hot.

Andi was really into all the strip teasing which was really weird.

We are all at the house, and Brian makes a point to sneak Andi away. I think Brian is rly kewt. This picture doesn't do him justice.

Now we have Josh M. (Ken Barbie) assuring Andi that he is NOT the stereotypical athelete, and even dares to pull the "I'm shy" card. Andi doesn't buy it. But I need her to just keep him around anyway, he and his tan look like blogging material.

Craig is getting drunk.

The opera singer serenades Andi. I'm cringing. OH MY WORD CRAIG IS APPROACHING ANDI AND HE IS WASTED. This is bad. His face is like tomato red. They continue talking....

A look into their conversation...

"Ask me anything, I'm an open book."

"What's the worst thing about your parents?"

"...oh my God??"

Now Andi is trying to get one-on-one on with Swag-Daddy-Ron, and things are getting too rowdy and loud. Craig and some other unidentified caucasian male have taken advantage of the pool, and are diving in fully clothed. Andi be ticked. "Don't they realize they're here to date???" Translation "NOT ALL OF THE ATTENTION IS DIRECTED ON ME RIGHT NOW AND I DON'T LIKE IT." I mean, they are guys!!!!!! I'm not suprised this is happening!! There is alcohol and pool in a closed premises, you get what you get.

But yeah, I agree, I would probably not give the idiots who jumped in the pool before the ceremony a rose lol.

The teenage 29-year-old

Craig is going crazy. The producers had to get involved and "take him home"????????????????? IS THERE MORE THAN ONE MANSION??? I don't know where they're taking him, but Andi is madly furious that he got drunk, emphasizing that she "wants them to have fun" BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT TOO MUCH FUN.

OH YAY now Marcus and Andi are alone. They're holding wine and look really classy. Andi has on an extremely provocative dress this early in the show so I shudder to think what she pulls out of the closet in the following weeks.

Just a few minutes later, Andi gives her pre-ceremony rose to Marcus. Andi is proving to have decent taste. I was worried, because as we all can recall, SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH JUAN PABLO.

~*~

Okay, now Andi is taking Chris out on a FANCY date. She stuns in a little emerald green frock, and side low bun. Oh and that lipstick!!! That winged liner!!! Someone put her on Pinterest.

Homeboy walks out in a lavender/gray tux. And off to the horseraces they go!

They meet a really old coouple that asks them how long they've been together. It's hard to tell if that was scripted because the old couple told their love story and it was really cute. Andi said she wants to one day be the old couple going to the races. YEAH YOU AND EVERY OTHER STARBUCKS-LOVING, UGG-WEARING WHITE GIRL, ANDI.

Chris reveals to Andi that he's been engaged before, which actually, no girl wants to hear, so good for him for going the Honest Route. THEN AGAIN we all know that these people do everything they can to squeeze sympathy out of viewers, and the Bach. It's hard to know when they're being honest to get closer to you or being honest to gain your sympathy. I know this because I've been on the show before, so.

Andi gives the rose to Chris. No surprise. Another non-shocker: a bearded man band serenades them in a private concert, and they dance.

A lot of one-on-one time.

I need Andi to stop saying she's hopeful, because WE GET IT. She wears a really jazzy evening gown with like a thousand fake crystals on it.

Nick V. and Andi sneak off alone. OKAY HE IS CUTE??? Where did this guy come from??? He also seems really normal. Andi agrees they're aligned on their views of love.

He's on my new Yes List. 

Now it's Marquel's turn. He and his different patterned tie, shirt, and socks are all really trendy and stylish, but in a way that might be out of my league, because I don't understand it, but it seems like it's right.

JJ steals her away--HE'S ONE OF MY FAVES.

Josh M. and his tan and pink tie pulls Andi aside and says "literally" a lot. She tells him to stop rambling. He gets really nervous and his FACE TURNS REALLY RED, Andi tells him he's a mess. He tells the camera he got butterflies talking to her. WHICH IS KIND OF CUTE BUT ALSO HE COULD BE LYING, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE.

They kiss. I feel like Josh M. is a better kisser than Chris.

OH GOD NOW CRAIG IS HERE, AND HE'S A JOKE. let's get this apology over with, THERE ARE CUTE GUYS WAITING ON HER, CRAIG.

Craig proceeds to play guitar and sing her an impromptu song that was kind of funny and cute BUT NO. YOUR ASS IS GOING HOME.

The Rose Ceremony

Chris opens with "it's nice to see you all clothed." oH PLZ CHRIS, I SAW YOU SPANK ONE OF THEM, I LOL'D. Andi walks in and they are all really captivated. I will say, she does look so gorgeous. And she is definitely a natural and flirting and being on the other side of the rose.

Ron gets the first rose, which is RLY freaking random, I think we can all agree.

then she calls out Dylan and I don't even know who that is.

JJ GETS THE THIRD!!! she likey the nerdz

Marquel and his bad self gets a rose.

Andrew, social media man, accepts his next rose.

I'M READY FOR HER TO JUST SEND CHRIS HOME.

Tasos, the man with the weirdest name ever, gets a rose.

Josh M. gets one. He is kind of cute. he's growing on me.

Cody gets one. He needs to stop lifting weights.

NICK GETS ONE WEEEEEEE!

Patrick gets one. Again, he is tall, thus, extremely attractive.

BRYAN GETS ONE YAYAYAYA

The camera has zoomed in on a few guys I don't recall.

There is one rose left, and at least 837 guys still waitin gfor a rose.

BRADLEY GETS A ROSE, AND THERE IS A GUY IN GLASSES WHO IS SO CUTE, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS, AND HE IS SAD.

Carl, the fire fighter, was teh mystery geek chic classes man. He was sent home. I feel like he just fell through the cracks. He was really cute.

HE LOOKS LIKE A PEDOPHILE A LITTLE BIT I THINK

Some other Nick got sent home, which is great, because there is only room for one damn Nick on this show. And Nick S. is creepy.

Craig, the drunk idiot, obviously got sent home. Back to Denver you go. He rattles on and on about how incredible she is and how he'll live with this mistake 'THE REST OF HIS LIFE' oohgyawed.

This is a good crop of guys, so I'm interested to see how things transpire.............happy memorial day bye.

The Bachelorette: Andi meets the men & I pick my favorites

I really didn't want to blog The Bachelorette, Andi.  Blogging is a lot of dedication, energy, and TIME. Another main reason I was hesitant is because blogging about all the dumb women chasing a man on The Bachelor is so much more fun than blogging about the men chasing a woman. I ACTUALLY LIKE THE STORY OF A MAN CHASING A WOMAN.

Also, it's nearly impossible to commit to anything in the summer. The weather is good and you never know when you'll be invited to a porch somewhere.

BUT ALAS. I was summoned to blog about the Bachelorette by a few near and dear readers, and my roommate is a Bach die-hard, so I'm going to give a go at it, y'all.

Things we already know about this season:

• Andi is a hugger (girls either are or they aren't, I AM NOT.)
• SOMEONE DIES??? WTF????? This is sad.

We become immediately become immersed in CSI Atlanta. Mall copy Andi is filmed shuffling papers, running across front yards, packing up her office, etc normal detective duties.

She wears a bright yellow big bird dress with a denim jacket that's no doubt from Hollister circa 2005. In a different outfit, a much chicer one, she walks into her parents house. She looks very stunning, I think Andi is a cute girl. And very real. She is a catch and a half. Unless it turns out she's a huge bitch.

I was hoping her hair would be one color by this point, but as it turns out, it's still ombre.

In another outfit change, a billowy, boxy, sheer white top, we see her shopping and trying on shirts with oversiezed roses on it.

Then we see her getting a photoshoot in front of law books in her black naughty secretary pencil skirt, then a gold evening gown blowing rose petals to the camera.

I'm trying to think of something more cliche than the moments I'm experiencing this very second. 

Andi is the most excited person in the world. So full of energy, so enthusiastic, so bubbly, so alive. I am typically a very easily excitable person, and EVEN I CAN'T HANDLE ANDI'S EXCITEMENT.

If she says "Falling in love should be fun, this should be fun, meeting them will be fun" or any variation thereof, I will throw my Corona at the TV.

Her sister helps her get dressed and ready, Andi cries, etc. They don't look anything alike. Andi has to decide between a taupe beaded gown or a gold pleated gown. She needs to go with the taupe beaded if she knows what's good for her.

The men are coming THE MEN ARE COMING. Andi steps in the limo in her taupe beaded number, and my heart is proud.

My Top Bachelors

Marcus. His hometown may be in Alberta, BUT HE CURRENTLY LIVES IN DALLAS WHICH MEANS IF HE AND ANDI DON'T WORK OUT, I'M GOING TO NEED HIM TO TAKE ME TO VELVET TACO AT 3 AM, I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THAT AT ALL. Marcus is probably the hottest on the show. I've decided Marcus is the hottest on the show, and this is not just because he lives in Dallas and is into Third Eye Blind (lol at Enrique Iglesias...? SOMEHOW IT WORKS FOR HIM)

Andrew, Social media marketer from CA, probably has a hilarious Twitter page. #AndiAndAndrew.....#AndrewAndAugusta.... Then again, Andi can have him. I'm WAY too competitive to date someone who does the same thing as me. That would not go over well.

JJ in the bowtie is a little geek chic cutie!!! He is a "pantsapreneur" which makes me a little sad and scared, but I want to give him a chance because is just the right amount of nerdy, and oh, he is 6'5", and I'm shallow and like really tall guys. (Can we talk about his favorite movies? Again, I'm a little sad and scared, but at least he likes the original version of Alice and Wonka, ammirite???)

Patrick. He looks like he could be a cheesedick but he's 6'4" so.... I'm powerlessly drawn to him. Also, #Drake

Marquel. Can I just saw #SWAG????????? M obviously makes the perfect ~*~ChOcOLaTe PiCk~*~

Random thoughts meeting the men

Editors note: I'm just going to leave these unedited because, really, why bother. 

Then we see men pushing a limo uphill to the drive way, and the guy was a personal trainer from Chicago and I feel like he did that on purpose.

Chris, man with a peach fuzz mustache.

Steven, snowboard developer, hipster S T O K ED

Rudie, also an attorney like Andi, has a weird name. He is cheesy.

Firefighter from Ft Lauderdale is really really cute.

Jason  is a doctor but has bad hair. And has a case of cheesedick jokes. Likely an incurable case.

Nick V. in software sales seems genuine but also meh

Dylan, acountant from Boston gets really nervous and it's kind of cute but also like stop admitting you're nervous.

Patrick, ad exec from CA, is basically John Hamm from Mad Men.

Emil, helicopter pilot rom CA, looks older than he looks and described his name as "Anal with an M"

The next guy is a hairdresser, and he brout a lamp with him. Ironically, he is not very bright. "My mom told me to never approach a lady empty handed, so I brought this lamp from my hotel." ...... TF???

Then a guy walks out shaking champagne then leaves it on the ground on the street so it was all for nothing.

Ron from Memphis is a chocolate man in a purple tie.

Bradley, an opera singer from Holland, makes it known that he wants to serenade her later. I tremorred.

Josh from Denver, potentially a forgettable white guy.

Nick, pro golfer from FL, pulls up in a golf cart, because he wants to wave his "I'M A BIG DEAL" flag.

Bryan, basketball coach from PA, needed help with his tie. He seems genuine.


Marquel steps out in his pink gingham and drops the phrase "A Game" within 5 sconds... S W A G

Tasos has an earring and does this weird lock thing and she liked it and I have to go feed my cat.


Mike, Bartender from UT, looks and sounds like he is 19. He talks a lot and it's painful. He gis her his number

Josh M. is also from Atlanta. He is like 89 feet tall and kind of looks like a man barbie. Really white teeth, tan face, and I think he dyes his hair darker than it really is. He is Mr. Smooth.


Josh M is way too Ken Barbie for me to take seriously. Why is he so tan. His teeth are so white. She said he's her type. Hmph.

Time to mingle in the mansion

Now Andi walks inside and these men are dogs. They are yelling at her complimenting her like wild teenagers out of the jungle seeing girls for the first time. Everyone is telling her she's glowing. WELL SHE BETTER NOT BE, THE LAST THING WE NEED IS A PREGNANT BACHELORETTE.

Marquel, swag man in the gingham, randomly pulls out cookies and milk and he's the one I think. But actually this is really weird. She liked it.

I need the pantsapreneur to change his job title because he is really cute.

Patrick and Andrew both tell the camera privately that "they are eachother's caliber" and "they are suave" so when they come out as gay for each other throughout the course of the show, let's not be surprised.

Chris reveals that some rando dude from seasons past of The Bachelor came to meet Andi. I don't know who this man is, but Chris is adamant about not letting him see her because she said no. Like, what??? Why does he want to meet her??? Why did she say no???? Why am I certain that I would have said yes???????????????

Dallas man Marcus tells us he speaks Polish and German.

The Rose Ceremony

She gave the pre-ceremony first rose to a guy "she wouldn't have chose based on looks but gave her a great first impression"but honestly I'm a little confused why she gave it to him. He was extremely forgettable to me. I didn't even catch his name. DALLAS MAN MARCUS SHOULD HAD THE ROSE.

She picked the pantsapreneur first at the ceremony!!! I'm so happy!1 GO JJ!!

Rudie, Jason, and Josh B. are sent home.

This jackass decided to make a fool of himself after being sent home, instead of just taking it gracefully. He is like literally crying. Cussing fits of rage make great TV, but they also broadcast it to the demographic of girls you are trying to date, Josh B.... IT MIGHT BE UNWISE TO BE IMMATURE ON NATIONAL TV WHEN THE TARGET AUDIENCE IS ALSO YOUR TARGET AUDIENCE.

see you next week, babes.

All the thoughts I have at the gym

Me, at 24 Hour Fitness. #seLfiE!~!~!~!

Pre-gym thoughts

Do I feel fat today? Am I going to wear my fit-bitch dry-fit slim top or my phat gurl XXXXL kappa tee? Do I want to wear my wanna-be lulu lemon leggings or my basic-bitch Nike shorts???? GAWD WHY IS EVERYTHING SO HARD WHY AM I HUNGRY UGH

Ok car keys, I don't want to carry you, I'll just take my apartment key and card, yes, and I'll put them in the secret zipper pocket of the yoga pants, ok, perfect, yes, that's what I'll do. It' doesn't fit in the pocket, it sticks out. That probably looks stupid. Moving on.

Pre work out snacks hmmm but then would I have to wait 30 minutes before activity? Or is that just swimming? Or is that just something parents lied to children about? Should I buy that "pre work out" mix powder stuff? Is it expensive? No I don't have time. I'll just eat a banana. I don't have bananas. 

On my way to gym thoughts

Oh yeah, time to psych myself up, play a little hip hop music, oh yeah, a little Miley, cant' stop won't stop. Should I drive to the gym? It's only a mile away, I'll walk. I'll run. 

2 minutes later

OH GOD I'M DYING I SHOULD HAVE DRIVEN AM I TAKING THE LONG WAY??? IT'S BEEN 10 MINUTES I'M STILL NOT THERE, WHERE AM I, SHOULD I GOOGLE MAPS THE REST OF THE WAY/?????? WHY IS EVERYONE RUNNING IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD SHIRTLESS?????????

At the gym

I don't have to do cardio because I just ran. Which means I should do weights or something????? Damn it, I didn't think this through. I don't like weights. You have no arm strength, Augusta, just pick up weights. I'll do lunges holding weights. Oh that guy is hot. He's totally looking at me. I'm so glad I wore the dry-fit top. He's totally not looking at me. Why are there 1,685 people in this gym? I want wine. I CAN'T LUNGE ANYMORE I'VE HEARD THIS DRAKE SONG EIGHT THOUSAND TIMES

Why do girls wear hats at the gym??? My mom is calling, SHE ALWAYS CALLS ME WHEN I'M AT THE GYM, i can't answer now, oh my gosh is that guy serious right now??? i can hear you breathing 8 feet away, and i can't deal with this, i'm going to snapchat you, oh crap he's looking, abort, abort, run away.

What is this TRX??? I just lunge holding these ropes attached to the ceiling? This seems boring. I want wine. I'm sweating. Why am I sweating? I'm going to risk my life walking across the indoor track to get to the other weights.

Why do people use foam rollers???? This is awkward?? I can see you right now use the foam roller like that and I am thoroughly uncomfortable???? I'm not emotionally stable enough to be around you and your foam roller.

Let's do the seated leg press. 130? Too light. I am a pear shape, I can obviously leg press 300 pounds. OH GOD OH GOD I CANN'T PRESS 300 POUNDS DID ANYONE JUST SEE ME TRY??? 150 pounds, meh, 170 pounds, okay, okay, happy medium, i am a bad ass, 170 is like a ton, i am lifting an elephant with my legs, i am impressing all males around me. in fact no one is looking at me. except this guy who seriously wants me to get off so he can use this machine.

Fine, fine, here, take the machine, I did not count how many reps or sets I did, but my legs are burning. What did my old trainer say about active rests?? I should do calf raises right now while I'm not lifting weights. That counts right? MY LEGS ARE JELLO, I'M DYING, I CAN'T BREATHE, WHAT YEAR IS IT

Damn it, he's done already now I have to use the machine because I've been standing here waiting on him. Ok I'm going to lessen the weight DON'T BE A PANSY AUGUSTA ok i'll keep the weight where it is, i'll even count the reps this time. 

ONE.

TWO.

THREE.

ok ok breathe breathe ok water break, let's strut to the water fountain. OH CRAP THERE IS MY OLD TRAINER WHO I NEVER RESIGNED WITH OR TEXTED HER BACK THIS IS SO AWKW- hi! how are you?! I'm great! Just a little sweatty, haha!

drink water faster run away abort, ok, let's go to the stretching room and do something with that large ass ball. Hamstring curls. Time to play Juvenile. These are fun. The ball is fun. It's leg day, but my arms hurt? I want wine.

Ok I need more motivation. Drake isn't cutting it anymore. Should I play Rihanna? Meh, The Weekend? Meh, OMG IT'S TIME FOR PARTITION.

Partition is playing and I feel like a new woman, I have the horse power of two thousand super-bowl Beyonces I am alive, I HAVE ALL THE ENERGY OF THE UNIVERSE RIGHT NOW, I AM A NUCLEAR BOMB,  DRIVER ROLL UP THE PARTITION, PLEASE. I'M GOING TO DO THE STAIR CLIMBER AND LUNGES AND SPRINTS AND SQUATS TIL I DIE

I'm just going to lay on this yoga mat and look at Pinterest for  a few  minutes, great. This girl's shorts are so short, I feel like I should do more lunges. Or just go lay down in a different room. I've probably been here over an hour, that is just OVER THE TOP, ok ok it's time to go home. should I use the sauna???? no. 

Oops I accidentally made eye contact with the hot guy. Why are you looking at me? HE IS IN LOVE WITH ME, IT'S THE DRY-FIT SHIRT, I KNEW IT, he's not looking at me anymore, did I just make an ugly face?? i can't feel my face, whatever he's not that hot, OH GOD HE'S LOOKING AGAIN, HE IS BEAUTIFUL, running away now.

Running home from gym

Green light, run across the street, don't walk. Bars on McKinney, run by those young hot adult-professionals, don't walk, ok here we, go, i'm hot shit, i'm hot shit, i can't hear all the whistles because i have my headphones in, there are probably so many whistles right now, ok, nope, that's fine too, drake understands me.

HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN RUNNING HOME??? SHOULD I CALL AN UBER/??? MAYBE I SHOULD JUST STOP AT THIS BAR, CRAP I DON'T HAVE MY WALLET, OK I CAN TRUCK THOUGH I CAN DO THIS, HERE WE GO, I'LL JUST WALK.

I will now snapchat that I ran to the gym from home because everyone should know that I am a marathon iron man lesbian gym owner.

At home

My keys are stuck in the back secret yoga pants pocket. I can either rip my pants or try to open the door with my butt agains the door knob. I'll just try to get it off gently I CAN'T DO IT I'M STUCK I'LL BE HERE FOREVER I'M STARVING I'M PARCHED I NEED WINE WHERE ARE MY ROOMMATES I'LL DIE ALONE okay the door is already opened, crisis averted.

Pouring myself wine because I deserve this and I am an American and God Bless Texas. I will snapchat this wine. There is literally only half a glass left. There is still time to chill another bottle. Ok. Putting broccoli and cauliflower mix in the oven. What is the difference between bake and broil????? Putting ass-tons of olive oil and seasonings on it, ok, perfect, yes, I am freaking Jillian Michaels, I am literally a lesbian gym owner, I am going to have quads of concrete. 

Ice in wine. 

I am too hungry to cook a meal so I'm just going to eat random snacks. Plate of cheese, hummus, celery, apple, yes, yes, this is good, this meal is on point.

I am going to collapse on the floor now and look at instagram.

I can't get up.

I burnt the broccoli.

Am I drunk?

The broccoli is crunchy but I like it?

I can't move my legs yet my arms are also sore? 

I need to take a bath, although what if I pass out and drown, omg, how am I going to shower, I can't stand, I'll be a dirty post-work out human-trash can for the rest of my life, how am I going to make it in to work tomorrow.

Did the wine just cancel out the work out? No. Antioxidants.