The Bachelor Episode 8: Focker Meets the Parents

Nikki Pablo.

We land in Kansas City, where Nikki grew up high lighting her perfect hair. She, said hair and her infinity scarf give an "I'm obsessed with Juan" monologue to the camera before he arrives. Then he arrives. We end up at a food place that Nikki described as "Gas Station" BBQ. Very charming.

They eat. Juan says he loves BBQ. He is quite enthusiastic. I haven't seen him this enthusiastic since he saw Kat dance in Seoul. The man likes BBQ and dancing chicas.

Then Juan rides the mechanical bull. They drink beer. Nikki says it's hot watching Juan ride a bull. Seriously, ABC, did we need to extend this into two episodes???????????

Oh Lord, now Nikki is telling the camera she thinks she's in love with Juan.

Then she and Juan ride the bull together. close up on Juan's hand on her stomach.

Juan & Nikki, riding in the wind, against all odds, no fears, just bliss, beer and BBQ

Time to meet the family. During dinner, Nikki and her mom sneak off to talk men. The first thing Nikki's mom brings up is "mental attraction." MOTHERS ALWAYS KNOW BEST. Nikki tells her mom she's in love but hasn't told him.

So let's recap the last 10 seconds.

Nikki's mom said, "Nikki, Juan is a dumb ass and I don't get what you see in him."

Nikki said, "But like mom, he iz like seeeww kewt n sweet n omgz his abs! Eye iz in luv with Juan."

Now Juan is sitting down with Nikki's dad. Her dad talks with a southern accent if you ask me. Juan tells her dad that he and Nikki are on the same page. Whatever that is supposed to mean.

Now Nikki is sitting down with her dad. She says she's comfortable around Juan. Congratulations, Nikki. I'm comfortable around sandwiches.

Both of Nikki's parents have told her they support her decision to marry whatever man she chooses, even if he is boring.

She and Juan kiss outside their front door. #HighSchool.

She has the chance to tell him she loves him. She doesn't. WELL GOOD. WAIT FOR HIM TO TELL YOU FIRST.

me watching Nikki on the verge of saying, "I love you" first.

Andi Pablo.

Atlanta. It looks like Andi has lightened her ombre. She needs to just dye her hair all dark because now I'm over it.

Keeping it cliche, they meet in a park. Before Andi takes Juan into a gun store, in an effort to make him nervous. She tries to be really cute and funny by saying the exact few lines verbatim:

"Are you ready? Are you nervous? Are you scared? Are you ready? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you ready? Are you sure you're ready? Do you think you can handle it? Are you sure you can handle it? Are you ready? Are you ready to handle it? Are you sure you're scared you're ready to think you can handle it?"

Both Juan and I wanted to punch her in the face with a rose.

"I am salivating at making him a little uncomfortable." THEN PUT HIM IN A 5TH GRADE SPELLING BEE OR SOMETHING.

He shoots the gun and doesn't score. He misses many times. I can't blame him. The man barely ate BBQ for the first time yesterday, there is no way he is about to shoot a gun like a bad ass.

He hits the target and recaps the day: "I felt like OH MY GOSH."

They get to her house, where a sign that says "Pookie" greets them both. That's embarrassing. Juan has flowers in hand. Good strategy.

"I'm sill waiting to fall in love. I feel like I'm so close." -Andi

I mean, that's not how love works, but okay.

They all sit around the couch talking, Andi with her arm looped through Juan's, which I find to be aggressive and disturbing. Andi's dad awkwardly calls out how Juan waited a really long time to take Andi on a one on one date. HA.

Andi's daddy.

He does not like Juan.

I like Andi's dad. He says, "She's an attractive girl, he's an attractive guy... with three other girls." AMEN, DENIRO!!!!

Later in the night, Andi's mom, Patti, asks Juan what he likes about Andi.

THIS IS A SIMPLE QUESTION. I MEAN, MAKE SOMETHING UP IF YOU HAVE TO.
Juan makes the cardinal sin of saying "Well first of all, she's beautiful."

NEVER MAKE HER LOOKS YOUR NUMBER ONE INTEREST IN HER. ESPECIALLY WHEN TALKING TO HER FAMILY. THIS ISN'T A MEN'S LOCKER ROOM, JUAN.

Then in an painful turn of events, Andi and Juan start dancing in front of Patti. Whyy??? why??? i'm in pain i'm in pain why why why

Andi tells the camera that she and Juan are at their best "when they're just having fun."

OKAY Andi, I'm sorry, but THIS IS THE REAL WORLD.

I'M NOT DR. PHIL, BUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS DOOMED IF YOU RELY ON FUN FOR IT TO WORK.

Robert Di Niro sits with Juan. He asks the hard hitting question of "Why do a reality show to find love?" Juan's answer was weird. Then dad turns it around, asking Juan if he has any questions. Juan wants to know if his family would accept him and his daughter.

His answer was perfect:

"Reverse role for a moment. You're dating 3 women. When and if you pick my daughter, then I'll answer that."

NOW JUAT, JUAN?? JUATCHA GONNA SAY TO THAT, SON????????????

Andi talks to her sister. I feel like I'm watching Shahs of Sunset. Andi isn't in love, but says she's almost in love whatever that means. ANDI'S SISTER DOES NOT LIKE JUAN. Now Andi is crying to the camera.

WELL WHAT DID YOU EXPECT, ANDI!?!?!?!?!? YOU DON'T EVEN LOVE HIM, HOW COULD YOUR HERMANA.

Andi and her dad have a confide-sesh. Her dad emphasizes he doesn't want her to get hurt. Andi keeps having to stick up for Juan and it looks highly exhausting. She says she is willing to risk getting hurt for Juan, which also looks highly exhausting.

Andi keeps repeating, "I am very close to being in love with him." As if she's trying to convince herself.

Despite all the obvious red flags from her family, Andi is happy at the end of the night and insists she is falling in love. SLAP ME AND CALL ME STEVIE WONDER BECAUSE THIS GIRL IS BLIND. SHE IS BLIND.

Andi's dad & Juan bonding before he leaves.

Rennee Pablo.

Florida. Rennee and Juan are picnicking when a little boy runs up out of nowhere. We realize it's Rennee's son when she spots him and loses her shit. She tells the camera she's never gone this long without seeing him. Is this really the first time they're seeing each other since she's been in Florida???? Rennee cries.

Juan and her son start communicating. Juan finally found someone on his level.

Rennee says she feels natural with Juan.

YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A NATURRRALLLL JUAAMAN~~~!~!~!~

What's going on with all these Juan Pablo endorsing commercials? This Need For Speed movie??? I can't even deal.

Back at the house, Juan sits with Rennee's fam while she tucks her son in bed. She tells him a bunch of gushy things that make me sad she's been wasting time with Juan Pablo and 18 sister wives when she could have hung out with this cool little nugget son this whole time.

Brenda, Rennee's mom, sits with Rennee, wine in hand. Rennee tells her mom she's in love barf.

Rennee sits with her dad. He says he can tell that Juan is a good guy. He says Rennee "is glowing." WELL, I HOPE NOT, THEY BOTH ALREADY HAVE CHILDREN.

Rennee gushes to the camera about wanting to marry Juan. I just really don't see her winning, so this is a tad painful.

When Rennee had the chance to tell Juan she loved him, she couldn't do it.

NOW I'M NOT A DATA ANALYST, BUT I AM SENSING A PATTERN...........

All of these girls say they are in love with him yet none of these girls are able to tell him. are they actually in love with him????????????? could it be they DON'T LOVE HIM  BUT THINK THEY LOVE HIM OR THINK THEY THEY THINK THEY COULD AFTER THINKING ABOUT IT LONG ENOUGH??????

Clare Pablo.

"This is the first time I've brought a guy home since my dad has passed away." -Clare. um wait wut??? ouch woah, wasn't expecting that bomb to drop. that was sad :(

Clare tells the story about one of her and her dad's last conversations. They had their father/daughter dance right then and there to the song of her choice. holy ef :((((( Juan and I are teary and I am seeing Clare in a softer light. She explains that where she took Juan is the place she goes when she misses her dad.

america listening to clare

There is no coming back from that. Now it's time to go to the house. Flowers in hand, Juan approaches like a high schooler to an A.C.T. exam.

Clare is ONE OF SIX DAUGHTERS. WOW. Considering Clare's family, loss, and upbringing, she did not turn out how I would have expected.

Now it's time for awkward dinner table chat.

Clare's family asks why she and Juan went in the ocean at 4 am. somehow nothing awkward is said or happens...............................

Clare and her sister, who has been married over 20 years, talk privately. She looks nothing like her sister. Or any of her sisters. Or her mom. is she adopted??? is this just an extreme recessive gene??? what is happening?

Like Andi's parents, Clare's parents met, dated a tiny amount of time, then got engaged and quickly married.

sigh.

One of the other 28 sisters and mom is now interrogating Juan. OH WAIT HOLD UP THAT IS NOT THE MOM, THAT IS ANOTHER SISTER. I'm so confused. I feel like Clare has 89 moms and no sisters.

Then two other old women sit with Clare. Okay, it's a different sister and the mom, it's official. The sister does not want to give Juan her blessing to get married. The sister's name is Laura. The sister is kind of a bitch. The mom is not talking for some reason. Clare is really hot and bothered.

Now Laura is accusing Clare of manipulating her mom??????????? what?????? Why isn't the mom talking???? Who's manipulating who???? Laura be cray??? What is Laura's deal????????? Laura is weird. I need Laura to exit the building.

What is going wrong in my life that I'm sitting on the couch blogging and sticking up for Clare.

Two seconds later, Clare goes to another sister and complains about Laura. I CANNOT EVEN FATHOM HAVING THAT MANY SISTERS IN ONE FAMILY. drama. This sister is much nicer. They keep saying "MaMa" or "MoMa" and it's getting weird. Like why don't you just say mom???

Now Laura is with Juan and MoMa, Clare sees, gets pissed, pulls Juan away, things are weird, Juan doesn't like it.

WOAH WOAH NOW JUAN IS SPEAKING TONGUES WITH THE MOM THEN THEY SWITCH BACK TO ENGLISH AND I FEEL LIKE I'M IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE WHY CAN'T CLARE SPEAK SPANISH IF THE MOM CAN WHY IS ABC DOING THIS TO ME I CAN'T BREATHE WHERE AM I

Juan and the mom really hit it off. Juan just connected more to Clare's mom more than he did with half the women on the show. I kind of want him to propose to Clare's mom at the end of the show.

Clare is being very vocal about how much she would love to marry Juan. Clare is going to be on TLC's snapped if he doesn't propose.

Ceremony Pablo.

Clare enters in a tight pink dress. Nikki enters in a tight white and black dress with a fish tail braid.

The makers of Body Con are clearly sponsoring tonight's questionably dressed episode.

Andi walks in wearing a one shoulder black dress. Rennee wears a green whispy dress. Chris has to walk each girl to the rose ceremony, seemingly a trail that begins in Canada and ends in L.A.

Johnny Cash Pablo, in all black, walks into the ceremony. I have a feeling he is going to send Rennee home.

First rose goes to Nikki.

Clare gets #2.

Chris comes out and announces the final rose WE CAN COUNT CHRIST, SHUT UP AND LET JUAN CONCENTRATE.

Andi gets the last rose.

Pablo drops bomb on Renee

I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT. how sad. :( Rennee is great! This is sad. Juan IMMEDIATELY starts tearing up. Rennee hugs the other girls. She and Juan walk/hug on their way out OH WAIT THEY'RE SITTING ON A BENCH and Renne says she's never felt this way about anyone.

She admits to Juan she fell in love. Juan inhales and exhales sharply. Juan is such a sensitive guy! More sensitive than I will ever be probably.

He told her he respects her and she leaves.

Rennee was very mature about it on the way home in the limo. She says, "You can't force it." No ya can't, honey. Spot on.

"There aren't a lot of guys like Juan. They're as good as they come."

Not spot on.

She goes in to detail about how there are good men out there and how she wants to make someone happy. I feel like men all over the nation are going to try to get in touch with her. Someone out there will see this, or meet her, and they're gonna love her.

Or she'll just die alone.

{images: http://imgur.com/gallery/Engg2, http://buzzworthy.mtv.com/2013/12/17/john-mayer-katy-perry-who-you-love-video-bound-2-comparison-gifs/, https://www.facebook.com/CrossFitFiveFlags, http://juicejusticeandcorgis.com/category/justice/, http://intothegloss.com/2013/03/mtv-the-real-world-the-all-time-craziest-moments-from-when-it-was-good/, http://andonehead-canneverdie.tumblr.com,http://69.89.31.136/~thefair8/home/2014/01/02/girl-talk}

The Bachelor episode 7: No words.

Commitment is hard, y'all. Marriage is hard. Keeping up with The Bachelor and how many single moms Juan has kissed is hard. I had to miss this Monday's episode, and as a result, all of my single white friends have lost sleep and almost banged my door down. I apologize from the bottom of my Uggs.

Now, let's recap this season's damage before following through on episode 7.

We met a baby prostitute, Jennifer Aniston, and a human self tanner in the first Sunday edition of The Bachelor meeting the women. The first official episode of The Bachelor was rocky for me, blogwise. I ended up just live-tweeting it, thus losing mass blog quality. Here is the pathetic excuse for a blog recap of the first episode. I dabbled in the baby pool in my second recap. I spelled Clare's name wrong, used awkward bullet formatting, and wished to hit up Chimy's with Victoria in the second episode.

I really caught the wind in my sails in the third recap. In this episode, we did math with Cassaundra, learned the word "peyamas," and introduced my cat-bachelor photo. In episode four, we endured major white girl problems and spanked ourselves with the asian Spice Girls. Episode five was enlightening for all of us, but primarily for the ocean of Vietnam. And finally, episode six really brought us further in depth with Juan's deep, interesting, and articulate persona.

Episode Seven. Let's do this.

I vehemently despise how ABC gives previews in the beginning of the episode of what will happen during the episode. LIKE JUST PLAY THE EPISODE.

Miami. Here we are seeing Camilla, Juan's hija, for the first time in 3 weeks. I'm getting nervous. Meeting your new boyfriend's kids is always awkward. She's cute in her little pink get up.

The remaining girls are in a penthouse suite overlooking the ocean. Can't wait to hear all of them complain about something stupid throughout the episode, regardless of this wonderful fact.

We see them opening wrapped boxes of tiny negative double zero swimsuits.

Juan, in all his purple shorts glory, sneaks up on the girls while they're talking about him. He hands a note to Sharleen. Nikki makes a stank face. He says she has ten minutes to get ready, which is weird, because she is clearly already dressed with make up. But okay.

"I just don't get it." -Clare

"I'm missing a cerebral connection that I just so...need." -Sharleen. HONEY, JUAN COULDN'T EVEN SPELL CEREBRAL.

"I can't figure out why he is into her." -Chelsie

"Sharleen is an anomaly." -Clare YEAH, BECAUSE SHE IS THE ONLY NORMAL PERSON WHO HAS BEEN ON THE BACHELOR THIS LONG.

"Today I should know whether or not I see him meeting my family." -Sharleen. OR WHETHER OR NOT YOU CAN FINISH A CONVERSATION WITH HIM.

"I feel like we don't get each other. Not completely." -Shar. THERE IS A REASON YOU FEEL LIKE YOU DON'T GET EACH OTHER. IT IS BECAUSE YOU DON'T.

Sharleen and Juan kiss on a boat. She gives him a mass amount of mini compliments. "You're trouble.. you feel good.... " like WAT?!?!? FIVE SECONDS AGO YOU WERE ON THE FENCE AND NOW YOU'RE ON TOP OF HIM.

"Juan is not my typical type, but there's no denying the chemistry. It's hard to not kiss him. I'm surprised by how attracted to him I am."

I feel exactly the same way about dipping Hot Cheetos in ranch.

"Is that a french kiss?" -Juan
"It's certainly not a German kiss." -Shar

what the #$% is a german kiss??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Now they're in swimsuits, on a boat, and in the sunset.

"I just feel happy. Which is something I don't feel very often." WELL, YOU'RE DEPRESSING.

The dates ABC plans for people on this show would make anyone feel in love and confused about how happy they are. I mean, when in your life are you going to travel and see such beautiful places???? Or be wined and dined in such amazing restaurants? ABC scientists are putting Sharleen in their Bachelor petri dish and it's an environment that she has no control over.

You could put me on those exact dates with a pair of socks and I would probably fall in love.

After break. They're fully dressed in cocktail attire. We see them kiss against the city skyline--which by the way, I'm pretty they're just in the live audience of Jay Leno's studio.

Episode seven, when Juan & Shar kissed in Jay Leno's studio audience.

Oh hell. Juan just asked how she felt about him meeting her family. Sharleen lies through her teeth. "I think I can do it." LIKE WAT???? ARE YOU ..... ON DRUGS RIGHT NOW.... ?

"I like when you think." -Juan

"I wish I could be a little dumber." -Sharleen.

She kisses him. Then to the camera, she says that in her head none of this is right. WELL YOUR HEAD NEEDS TO HAVE A HEART TO HEART WITH YOUR BODY AND GET IT TOGETHER.

"Why can't I stop kissing you?" -Shar.

Then she proceeds to say something that had nothing to do with children or besitos and Juan's brain fused, causing him to ask her about her words. Enjoy this high quality footage my video team captured.



Back at the house, all of the other girls drink wine and brood about how obsessed Juan is with Sharleen. I think they're about to get out a Ouiji board and bring back spirits of seasons past to seek revenge.

Nikki gets the next date. Chelsie says Nikki is a Negative Nancy. Nikki, for the 872nd time this season, brings up how bad at dancing she was in Korea.

Now Sharleen is back at the house and about to have a deep confide-sesh with Rennee. Blah blah blah. Five minutes later, Rennee is giving drunk advice, and Sharleen already likes Rennee more than she's ever liked Juan.

Sharleen cries to the camera. OH GYAHD, YOU ARE DRAGGING THIS OUT HONEY. YOU DON'T LIKE HIM. CUT THE CRAP AND MOVE ON.

Time to go on a date with Nikki, who is apparently under the impression they are headed to Coachella.

Nikki is one flower-crown away from a MGMT concert tonight.

Close, but not quite. They're going to Camilla's dance recital. Juan breaks the news that Carla, THE EX ESPOSA, is going to be there.

Ex wife meets potential-new wife alert.

Nikki has great hair.

"I'm so scared, flattered, and excited, that Juan is sharing one of the most important parts of his life with me." -Nikki. OKAY, NIK. THIS IS A 4 YEAR OLD'S RECITAL, NOT A BAPTISM. don't get it twisted.

I just realized that Juan's ENTIRE FREAKING FAMILY IS AT THIS RECITAL. Like, what?????? Is this happening? This is already happening??? There are still like 6 girls left?? CHRIS, HOW ARE YOU ALLOWING NIKKI TO MEET THE FAM?? This is premature.

Feeling my hands get clammy, meeting the potential-inlaws-to-be.

Nightfall. They head to Juan's "office", Marlin's Stadium. Now, I'm not claiming to understand the mystery that is "sports" but just to keep facts straight, I'm pretty sure this baseball feild is where athletes engage in activity, NOT WHERE JUAN FAXES AND EMAILS. I am 99% positive there is an abandoned closet where he carries out his duties*

*i have no idea what i'm talking about.

We see Nikki and her dove back-tattoo and cocktail dress/jumper throw the ball with Juan. They lay on a blanket and picnic. This would be a great date. I want to go on this date. He kisses her shoulder and asks her what she's thinking. I can tell she is thinking about her highlights or quinoa.

I bet Nikki is really thrilled she wore a club outfit from 5-7-9 to a baseball field.

"I feel happy because she tried everything today." Is he on drugs??? What is he even talking about???? Tried what???? She went to a dance recital and now she's picnicking???

Juan continues his monologue to the camera.

"I feel comfortable. I feel easy."

hehe juan feels easy

Nikki has put her hair in a low pony. She says that Juan definitely hit a home run today. Ha. Good one, N...................................................................

Back at the house, Sharleen tells the girls she's felt conflicted for weeks about her feelings with Juan. And that she will be leaving this very night. She said she is sad. Understand that she is sad to leave the girls, not Juan.

SHARLEEN IS SO GORGEOUS IT ALMOST MAKES MY STOMACH ACID CORRODE AND EAT MY ORGANS.

UR FACE IS RUDE

oh shit now she's in Juan's room and is about to break the news to him. She's about to spill the frijoles.

"This is excruciatingly difficult," (as he sweeps the hair from her face).

She proceeds whispers this entire break up conversation, evidently under teh impression the camera won't hear her.

Continuting her Ying Yang twin rap, she breaks up with him

You could put a beat over this part of the episode and have a #1 hip hop record.

She tells Juan she isn't ready for a proposal but that she has never felt for anywone what she feels for Juan. She doesn't want to take the place of someone else who KNOWS.

Juan is really sweet about it. He says he knows it's not easy and that she gets to know herself better. He wipes tears from her eyes. He says he doesn't want her to say she's sorry. That she shouldn't be sorry for the way she feels. That she didn't waste his time. That she is so wonderful. That she is different, in a good way.

me on the couch

"The only thing that pisses me off is you didn't sing enough for me." HAHAHAH. GENUINE LAUGHTER ON MY COUCH RIGHT NOW.

Ok wow sh*t woah okay damn wow. That was intense for all of us and it's going to be hard for me to come back from that. I need to go for a walk.

Sharleen and her unfortunately unflattering shorts walk away to the elevators. Juan receeds to his balcony, where he contemplates committing suicide.

Juan cries to the camera and says "Sometimes honesty is not appreciated, so you have to have guts to be honest." MY FACE IS CURLED INTO A THOUSAND FROWNS I AM SO DISTRAUGHT AND UNCOMFORTABLE HE IS SO SAD AND I CAN'T.

Sharleen in the limo.

"I am surprised at how sad I am." UHHUH SO ARE WE.

My roommate's quick eye found the almost-hidden bag of onions Sharleen so cleverly placed in the car to help her cry.

Back from commercials. I'm physically drained from just being dumped in my Miami oceanside hotel room, but I'm trucking on. Group date time.

Chelsie is annoying. She brings out some bright colored papers/scrapbooks/letters and other things only she cares about. Juan is struggling to smile and say things in english that convey enthusiasm. Chelsie proceeds to reads letters out loud. MAKE IT STOP.

Nothing worse than someone who talks incessantly about his or herself and has no perception that people around don't want to hear it.

Now he's with Andi and her neon tribal/zebra maxi dress. She starts crying OH KILL US ALL I AM SO SICK OF THESE GIRLS CRYING FOR ATTENTION. Juan needs to stop being sympathetic. Here is where my cold, black heart becomes visible.

At first I liked Andi, but now that I've been on 2-4 group dates with her, I've decided, SHE BASIC.

Time to be with Clare. Does anyone else think she looks like a who from whoville???? I think she is a who from whoville. I think when she takes Juan to her hometown, it's going to be Whoville.

Clare's hometown

Also, she said she has a big family, JUST LIKE A WHO WOULD, and is the youngest of all her siblings, JUST LIKE CINDY LOU WHO. could this be????? could Claire be the Cindy Lou Who all grown up??? Nothing is impossible. 

CLAIRE LOU WHO

They talk about family blah blah blah and then Juan says "bEsiToZ~!~!" and they kiss.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR JUAN TO EXTEND A ROSE TO THE GROUP DATE.

Andi gets it. Clare smiles REALLY BIG. Like... tooooooo big. She was REALLY happy when he gave Andi the rose...........

Clare, after Andi received a rose

Clare says she's been putting herself out there so she doesn't know why she didn't get the group date rose. She said "Times like this make me question what the &^%$ am I doing here?!?!?"  YOU DON'T GET A GOLDEN TICKET JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE ALREADY SEEN THE MAGIC CHOCOLATE FACTORY, CLARE.

Andi pulls out all the stops for her one on one date with her little short red dress. We enter a latino club. This actually looks fun. Slap a sangria in my hand and let's salsa, baby. Andi fits perfectly in this club. More so than white boy Juan. OR SHOULD I SAY JU-ITE BOY JUAN. that was stupid.

Andi is happy, blah blah blah. The episode was getting boring so it's back to the girls at the house. Clare is still complaining. I think she's just in a bad mood because her dress is from a 2004 Target clearance.

CLARE AND NIKKI ARE GETTING INTO IT. THE PHRASE "TALKING SH!T" HAS BEEN SAID A RECORD BREAKING 63 TIMES WITHIN 2 MINUTES. THEY BOTH INTERRUPT EACH OTHER TELLING THE OTHER ONE TO STOP INTERRUPTING THE OTHER ONE WHILE INTERRUPTING THEM. (..?)

So catty. They're being so sinisterly sweet. I can't stand this. Girls that talk to other people like this are the worst. It literally pains me even just watching me this fight happen. Cringing. Girls are the worst. Ugh. High pitched voices and curled hair and passive aggressive stabs. I'm going to throw up.

Now we see a M&M commercial with Juan. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW HE GOT A SPOT ON AN M&M COMMERCIAL LIKE HE'S FREAKING SANTA OR JAY-Z OR SOMETHING.

(side thought: I feel like Chris has had more coverage on this season than Rennee. Scratch that. I feel like Bill Clinton has had more coverage on this season of The Bachelor than Rennee.)

Rennee gets a tiny little bit of alone time with Juan before the rose ceremony. It's very short and forgettable. Chelsie talks to the camera with curled hair, yet is simultaneously sitting with the other girls at the table with straight hair. Time travel???????????

Nikkie says all this feels very "high school" to her. IT'S CALLED 6 GIRLS, 1 GUY, THERE IS GOING TO BE BLOOD.

Nikki didn't have a dress to wear toinght, so instead she went to Hobby Lobby, bought hot pink duct tape, and fashioned herself a dress--something like you would see at a college frat party themed ABC or "anything but clothes."

Nikki's dress from episode 7, sold for $3.49 at a KMart near  you.

Nikki and Clare absolutely despise each other. It's so stupid to me. They hate each other for no reason.

I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE: THERE HAS BEEN NO BETTER 51 SECONDS THAN THE FOLLOWING 51 SECONDS THAT ARE ABOUT TO HAPPEN ON THIS EPISODE.

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY ON THIS EARTH WATCH THIS WHOLE VIDEO.

Stop. Hammer Rose Ceremony time.

Chris takes a second to remind Andi that she already has a rose, and to remind the other girls that they suck for not being able to say the same.

Sometimes I think Chelsie looks like Chelsey Handler or Cameron Diaz.

Juan is wearing a stripped button up shirt and kind of looks like he is about to come back to the office after lunch break. Maybe he has a meeting with a client later.

NIKKI GETS THE FIRST ROSE.

Juan exhales.

CLARE GETS THE SECOND ROSE. off to Whoville we go.

Chelsie purses her lips.

Juan has an orange wrist band on. Those were cool back when LIVESTRONG was a thing, I don't think humans actually wear rubber bracelets anymore.

RENNEE GETS THE LAST ROSE OMG WUT?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

And no hometown for Gretchen Weiners Chelsie BYEEEE

I was totally expecting her to go home. Juan starts crying. I think he is on his period. I'm kind of sad for Chelsie. She did NOT see this coming. However, her boring scrapbook of family memories tonight was just too much for any of us to handle.

"Such a mistake. Huge mistake." -Clare whispers, standing next to Nikki, talking about Nikki, probably subtweeting about Nikki.

Chelsie and Juan are very touchy as they say goodbyes. Lots of compliments are thrown around. She tells him good luck.  :(

:(

She cries in the limo. We've all been dumped, in Miami, on national television, wearing silver hoop earrings, it's okay Chels, not a big deal, we've been there too, we get it.

Juan is legitimately sad about sending Chelsie home. He is still crying, and I really, genuinely, do feel bad for him.

Next week there will be two nights in a row of The Bachelor, so I'm probably going to have to skip Tuesday night church, call in sick to work, cancel my gym membership, schedule someone to regularly pick up my mail, and write a letter to my future children telling them I love them and we'll some day meet.

THE THINGS I DO FOR YOU, JUAN. I HAVE ALREADY SHOWN YOU MORE COMMITMENT THAT ALL THE GIRLS ON THE SHOW.

I'm sorry you were cut tonight, Chelsie, but at least this is your face.

{Images:http://www.zimbio.com/pictures/eEwd2Aifw1P/Tonight+Show+Starring+Jay+Leno/KJACVTgS-ZG/Britney+Spears,http://www.posh24.com/fashion_pictures/top_list_6_super_cool_and_crazy_coachella_looks, http://thestrawbuyer.blogspot.com/2013_01_01_archive.html, http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056687297&page=42, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wait_(The_Whisper_Song), http://dailydoodle.net/1/bawling-gif/, http://new.spring.me/#!/r/you-re-basic-case-closed/546123300519042957, http://imissmychildhood.blogspot.com/2011/12/once-upon-time-in-whoville.html, http://www.absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=2396882}

Screw Boys, Pamper Yourself

I've about had it with all you single people. Stop moping! Tomorrow is not the end of the world just because no one will send you a flower arrangement to your home or office. Don't be bitter when your best friend tells you her plans with her boyfriend. Deal with it when everything is pink and red. SMILE. You will get through this. I. Promise. Here are some thingzzzzzzzz that might help.~*~*~*~*~*

1. Buy yourself a monogrammed pencil cup

Not mine exactly, but exactly what mine looks like.

I recently spent $20 on this exact item and I cannot tell you how this one minor detail brings order and structure to my work day. Or at least, holds pencils I don't use in a very *chic* way. 

2. Wear your cute robe

Me.

I know it's hard living every day and not being a Victoria's Secret model, but trading in the PINK sweatpants you only wear in the house for the silky mini-robe makes you feel all WaRm, FuZZzY, & GiRlLLyyY inside. It's probably the easiest thing you can do to feel cuter while moping about being single.

3. See a movie solo

"What are you doing for Valentine's Day, Augusta?"
"Going to see a movie by myself bye."

Okay, really though. I've had this conversation twice this week. I'm going to see a movie tomorrow night by myself and I'm not sad or sorry about it bye.

4. Strawberry Yoplait frozen yogurt and blueberries

Ok, I bought this the other day from Kroger because I'm a firm believer in impulse decisions, and I ate it with blueberries that night and it was SO good. But you have to stir the blueberries into the ice cream, don't just half-ass pour them on top. Be serious. This is frozen yogurt, not some game.

5. Wine, obviously

Obviously.

6. New bra & panty set

Oh, I love bra & panty shopping! Doesn't it just make your day better knowing your undergarments match??????????? I feel like I speak more articulately, stand up straighter, and think clearer knowing that ONE tiny thing went right in the day. Urban is an affordable yet cute place to relish this desire.

8. Black & White movie

Casa Blanca

Because, get serious, you most likely haven't seen enough.
{Images: http://www.polyvore.com/monogrammed_acrylic_pencil_cup/thing?id=99582437, http://www.doctormacro.com/Movie%20Summaries/C/Casablanca.htm, http://winedown.co.uk/yellow-tail-sauvignon-blanc-south-eastern-australia-case-of-12-bottles.htm, http://www.theshelbyreport.com/2012/10/03/yoplait-frozen-yogurt-now-in-stores/, http://www.stereogum.com/1648952/the-bird-and-the-bee-feat-matt-berninger-all-our-endless-love-stereogum-premiere/mp3s/}

The Bachelor episode 6: Uncovering the mysterious depths of Juan

I have to admit, it's getting harder and harder watching The Bachelor every week. I often feel like the lonely half drunk/half sober person left at the party at 4 a.m. I'm just trying to keep calm and Juan on.

NEW ZEALAND, BABY.
This episode is going to be good solely because New Zealand has to be one of the most b a d a s s and beautiful places on the planet.. You'd have to be an idiot to pass up the chance to see New Zealand, in love with Pabs or not.

"It's like Colorado and Hawaii had a baby." -my roommate.

The date card arrives. Clare appears and opens the card.

Andi is the only one who hasn't had a one on one date yet. Which I can say for myself on behalf of America, WTF????

"Let's heat things up," -the date card.

Clare is VEHEMENTLY pissed that Andi got the first date and not her. Because it's obvious that Clare hasn't had enough one-on-one time with Juan. Obviously. How dare Andi get time alone with Juan over Clare!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????!!!! TO HELL WITH THIS SHOW. THIS IS SO UNFAIR. WHY ISN'T CHRIS INTERVENING THIS HEINOUS CRIME??????????????????????????????????

my real reaction to Clare's hostility. 

Now we have Cassaundra complaining about not getting the one on one date. She says something about wasting time. She and Jennifer Anniston (Rennee) talk and cry together in the dark on a porch.  I feel like the airplane scene from Bridesmaids is about to happen. Any second, Rennee will tell Cass she has a face of sunshine, and order a glass of alcohol.

Clare and Rennee in tonight's episode.

Andi, as most of the girls have addressed, "haven't gone in depth" with Juan. Yet what's more fascinating is the fact that all these girls think there is something to dive into in the depths of Juan's brain.

We now see Andi and Juan boating a thousand mph on the Pecos River New Zealand river. The boat driver announces they're going to go swimming. THIS LOOKS FUN, BUT I'M TRYING TO CONTAIN MYSELF. Juan has an unfortunate bathing suit on. Andi wears a one piece ass-suit. It's yet to be confirmed whether the water is hot or cold. They continue to walk through black water weaved between terrifying, treacherous pathways of underground cave-age that they can barely fit through. Claustrophobic people would be crying in the fetal position.

They finally get to their destination.

Atlantis. Unicorns, rainbows, four leaf clovers, a choir of angels, chocolate fountains, shooting stars, and rainbows with pots of golden coins surround them. They obviously make out.

A mysterious, yet sultry smoke escapes the mountain top, seemingly from nowhere, oh wait it's a geyser, where Juan makes a face at a wine he doesn't like.

The whole date is so unreal, that I can't even........ I can't. #sobeautiful #amomentofnonsarcasm

Andi and Juan continue to talk. The conversation appears to be as deep as ever.

Andi and Juan, engaging in a cerebral conversation of sophistication and mystique in tonight's episode.

Girls back at the house:
A date card magically appears on a tree stump in front of the house.  who put that stump there? did they buy that tree stump? or did they cut a tree down? did an intern have to carry and put it there?

"Let love roll." blah blah blah which means CLARE GETS THE SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE SO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET'S JUST HOPE TONIGHT'S THE BACHELOR DOESN'T TURN INTO AN EPISODE OF GIRLS, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. If you don't watch girls, then you don't.

Back at the date, Juan and Andi continue their extremely serious, deep conversation.
"Are you okay?" said Juan.
"I'm more than okay." said Andi.

They watch the geyser. Andi can't wait to have a family. If there wasn't hummus in front of me, I would have literally already fallen asleep on my keyboard watching this.

Juan unzips his jacket.

OH GOD, NO JUAN, NOT NOW, WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE IN THE OCEAN AT 4 AM

oh wait he's just pulling a rose out of his jacket. He gives her the rose. They kiss. He teaches her the word "besitos." They hold each other's face. He kisses her cheek. She smiles. I stab myself.

Back from commercial break, we get an eyeful of aerial shots of Rotorua and DEAR LORD WOW SO GREEN AND BEAUTIFUL WOW.

Scenery and ambience all around them and all the girls can talk about is how beautiful Juan Pablo is.

Cassandra announces that today is her 22nd birthday. HAHA. She is my age, has a child, and is in a competition to win over a man 10 years her senior, that she may or may not even be interested in.

Breaking up the tension of the awkward group date, Chelsie steals Juan away to make awkward animal noises that the producers evidently felt the need to keep in this episode.

-Four seconds later-

Everyone is half naked and rolling down hills inside of human-sized golf balls.

Juan recaps the day: "Six beautiful wee-muhn... me switching from ogo to ogo."

Juan kisses Nikki inside of the human golf ball.

They end up at "Hobbitan" which was the set of Lord of the Rings. I'm not even into those books or movies and I think that looks cool.

I've decided I can't think of many things more awkward than a group date. Here you are with 4-5 other (probably prettier and more interesting) women, and you have to A) pretend you like the girls B) try to decide if you like Juan C) Go with the flow that you like everybody and try to get Juan alone ALL WHILE D) NOT LOOKING PSYCHO.

Rennee and Juan grab some alone time. Juan is clearly not interested in her, because it's been over 30 seconds and no sudden lips to lips action has yet to be made.

OH--WAIT--THERE IT IS. Juan plops one on her.

"I would love to kiss Juan Pablo for the rest of my life." -Rennee.

Okay, Rennee.

Now Nikki gets alone time. She tells the camera that she doesn't want to leave here with regrets--she wants to leave here with a husband. OKAY, HONEY.... now this is where it should be obvious to everyone that there are some girls that want to find the one and there are some girls that want to find love and YES THERE IS A DIFFERENCE. Nikki is clearly only interested in finding "love" and she doesn't care who it's with!!! Any guy who comes along, fits with her good-on-paper list, and shows her attention, SHE WILL WANT TO MARRY.

Whereas other girls are genuinely concerned with finding the one.

Which brings me, and the next scene, to Sharleen.

First off, she barely sits down with him and he ATTACKS HER LIKE A LION TO A GAZELLE. If you watched last week's episode, Juan likey this little panda. She says "Well you don't waste any time do you!" after pulling away from Juan's face, 3 seconds after sitting down with him. She is about to go into a spiel about whatever she is over thinking in her head, but Juan just keeps kissing her. HOME GIRL CAN'T GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE. Juan's face is like a magnet to hers.

Cut back to the house. It's Cassandra's birthday blah blah blah.

I don't even think Juan knows it's her birthday. I literally don't.

Now Cass is with Juan. Apparently he has managed to safely pull himself away from Sharleen. Cassandra, yet another girl making the mistake of thinking there is "more" to Juan, tells the camera she's determined to "get on a deeper level" tonight.

An image I found that depicts what this season's girls thinks Juan's brain and personality looks like. deep oceans of mystery.

She goes into a long song and dance about her past blah blah blah, Juan is like barely focusing, staring at her with his mouth open.

IT'S TIME FOR JUAN TO PASS OUT ANOTHER PRE-CEREMONY ROSE. WILL CASS GET IT???? IT'S HER BIRTHDAY, AFTER ALL.

He gives it to Sharleen. In a weird turn of events, he pulls Cassandra aside. He tells her a succession of really nice things about her that he likes, which only means one thing... he is about to drop a bomb on her.

HOLY EF THIS IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN ISNT' IT???????? THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING??????????

HE IS ABOUT TO END IT WITH HER ON HER BIRTHDAY.  

He tells her he doesn't want her to be away from her son. He tells her she has grown in her time here. As she is only 21, this may be true, and may be the wisest thing Juan has said this whole TV show, maybe his whole life, maybe.

This part was really hard to watch A) because it is obviously painful for Juan to tell people goodbye and B) IT WAS HER FREAKING BIRTHDAY. I thought she handled the break up quite swimmingly. They left on good terms--quite friendly.

WE'VE ALL BEEN DUMPED ON/AROUND OUR BIRTHDAY IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL*

*Me after being dumped the day before my 22nd birthday last year. FUN TIMES.

She says "I saw everything I wanted in him. I could see myself with him. And it's been a while since I've seen all those things in someone."

HONEY, YOU'RE 22, YOU'LL MEET OTHER MEN, YOU'RE FINE, I PROMISE.

what do i know, i'm only 22????????????????????????????????

OH GOD NOW ABC IS PLAYING THE SADDEST / FUNNIEST / BEST / WORST MUSIC IN THE WORLD.  HAHA. I wonder how many white girls just googled "break up song from the bachelor juan pablo season"

Juan breaks the news to the other girls that he just sent Cassandra home to be with her son. He tells the girls that the next weeks are going to be very hard on him. The creepy song playing in the background says "Loooooooooovestrruuuuuuuuuck" and it gets weirder by the second.

Back from commercial break we see Juan skyping his daughter. I literally forgot he even had a daughter. Is this the first time he's skyped this whole season??????? AY, DIOS MIO, DONDE SU HIJA THIS WHOLE SEASON??? POR QUE YOU NO SKYPE HER EARLIER?????

It's time for the solo date with Clare.

Juan tells her he feels horrible about telling her he totally regrets doing the tango with her (i mean in so many words).

Blah blah blah Clare says she doesn't want to be weird in front of his daughter.

The convo remains on their ocean shenanigans, and while it's boring and redundant, it's still probably the  ~*~*deepest ~*~* conversation that has happened this whole season. He tells Clare that he doesn't kiss, go on dates, spend the night, look or think about women in front of his daughter. Okay.

He tells the camera he needs to know more about Clare.

They proceed to kiss for 3489349 hours.

They end up on a couch. Clare says she is happy that Pabs apologized for calling her a slut in Vietnam. 

Side thought: Juan is actually really attractive. But the second he opens his mouth and lets the world know what goes on inside his head just ruins the whole picture. That's all I wanted to say.

We have to listen through Clare telling Juan how "much of a man" he is, how well he handled the situation, blah freaking blah, Juan's brain is about to fuse from going 5 minutes without kissing, and now I ..................

WHAT IS HAPPENING???????????

Juan and Clare are putting on harem pants??????????? WHY. IS THE MAN REPELLER BEHIND THIS??? IS THIS A THING IN NEW ZEALAND???????/ WHO BOUGHT THOSE??????

This episode of The Bachelor brought to you by The Man Repeller.

Juan tells the camera how attracted he is to Clare. I mean, he is literally SOOOOO into Clare. I think this might be a genuine infatuation. GRANTED, HIGHLY SEXUALLY INDUCED, but genuine. He says "iy yi yi" repetitively to the camera when he talks about Clare.

ENTER ABC'S CHOICE OF MUSIC.

We have Juan and Clare dancing alone in a living room wearing the matching harem pants. I realize that this is sounding really cynical, but truth be told, my roommate and I just uttered an, "awwwwwww," in unison, followed by a "blehhh that was cute blehhhh." The weirdness of the harem pants coupled with the simple, chill, couch set up, with no over the top geyser or Atlantis waterfall, was just adorbz.

After commercial break, we see Juan in a gray suit, brown man-shoes, and sunny, green scenery.

CHRIS JOINS US. I just love Chris! He is so level headed and normal and makes me feel a little abetter about myself for watching this show.

"I go on a date and I'm like... this could be! Then I go on another and think.... this could be too!" Juan, talking to Chris about going on hundreds and thousands of dates with all the women and liking all the women. So many women, so many things.

Serious music is playing and everything is feeling really intense. It's been established that Sharleen, Clare, and Andi have roses at this point.

Joining the women in a Zew Zealand mansion, Juan feels the heavy tension in the room. The women are silent. Juan comments on it. He is wearing lilac, with pink underwear, as he just pointed out to Nikki, on their one-on-one time.

Less than one minute after sitting with Nikki, Juan sticks his face down her mouth. THIS MAN CANNOT CONTAIN HIMSELF AROUND THE OPPOSITE SEX. I FEEL LIKE HE IS 15. Nikki decides she wants to talk instead of kiss, so she attempts at conversation with Juan, AKA she talks to the barely-understandable, two-word responses from Juan's brain.

"There is nothing more attractive than a woman talking about her kid." -Juan.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

He leaves Nikki, and tells the camera he has a lot of thinking to do tonight. Which begs the question, what does Juan look like / do when he does a lot of "thinking" in one night??????

Juan, alone in his room, brainstorming which women he truly feels a connection with.

Chelsie breaks down the situation to the camera who she thinks Juan will let go. It is revealed that her and Kat are the only women (in the world) who haven't been kissed by Juan.

SHE PULLS JUAN ASIDE.

Chelsie is under the impression Juan wants to have a conversation about herself and the things she wants. He responds with "mmhmm.....mhmmm....mhmmm." She says she feels more confident after their talk, however, my keen sense for the male intuition tells me that he wasn't really listening.

Juan, talking to Chelsie.

NOW KAT GETS HER CHANCE TO CONVINCE JUAN SHE IS THE ONE.

She cordially invites Juan to her own personal pity party. Something sad happened in her life "that she never tells anyone" (except the entire American nation).

And blah blah blah she's ready for the next phase of her life blah blah something about the words "reward and risks."

Chris says hello to the girls and gives them a little insight into their stay at NZ, and inadvertently giving them all the most intelligent conversations they've all had in weeks.

IT'S GO TIME.
Juan enters the room. He tells them his future wife is in this room OH GOD.

Nikki gtes a rose.

Rennee gets a rose (which I am actually kind of shocked about, but Juan likes his single moms).

CHELSIE AND KAT ARE LEFT. BATTLE OF THE BORING BLONDES.

"Send them both home." -my roommate.

Chelsie. gets. the rose.

The camera shows Sharleen crying. Like last week's episode, Sharleen thinks that the girls are executed when they don't get a rose.

Goodbye, Kat.

She was gorg. R.I.P.

Kat shows her honey badger strength and leaves with Juan with a casual smile/goodbye. She breaks down in the limo. She says something about a marathon, and not getting up to speed.

Then she says something kind of heartbreaking.

She says she is tired of people telling her she is a catch, and yet constantly getting turned down.... :(

Back with the girls, Sharleen is about to drown in her tears. Her guilty conscience is getting the best of her as she is unable to compose herself. She tells the camera that she knows the other girls fit him better than her.

She is obviously battling the decision between leaving Juan or staying for the free traveling. By the looks of the commercials, I can see that she waits it out and travels more.

I knew Sharleen was a smart girl.

hehehehehehehehehehehhehehehehhehehheheehehehhe

Next episode looks like a cross between Gossip Girl and Animal Planet.

A screenshot of the commercials promoting next week's episode.

{Images: http://www.celebquote.com/8699, http://www.nationalgeographic.com/adventure/0510/sports/new_zealand_trekking.html, http://www.ontheredcarpet.com/video?id=9376449, http://gifrific.com/justin-timberlake-face-change/, http://blog.zap2it.com/frominsidethebox/2014/02/the-bachelor-juan-pablo-takes-andi-to-a-geyser-for-their-one-on-one-date.html, http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/17668078-skin-deep, http://elitedaily.com/life/the-25-gifs-that-perfectly-describe-going-to-college-in-new-york-city/, http://twicsy.com/i/QVnc3d, http://www.scottburkett.com/entrepreneurship/prince-is-a-marketing-idiot-683.html, http://www.maniacworld.com/Animal_Fights.htm}