Blogging is hard

This blog is lengthy, so go grab an organic snack and buckle up.

Listen guys, blogging is not for the weak or faint of heart. 

It's a really awkward, questionable, public display of vulnerability, in which you basically in so many words say, "WHAT I THINK IS IMPORTANT / FUNNY ENOUGH TO SHARE WITH THE WORLD."

We all know it's not. We all know blogging is more for the blogger than for the audience. The audience will always be there, going back for more, whether they're reading it out of general interest in the blogger's life, because its content makes you feel a certain way whether it's comic relief or embarrassment for the blogger (we come from a generation that reads/watches media just so they can hate-read/hate-watch).

For me, the hard part about blogging was never the actual "blogging" part. I have a list on my phone and drafts-saved galore of ideas and half-baked starts. Ideas and inspirations are easy. Challenges come when it's time to hit "publish," dedicating time weekly, and most of all...

NAMING THE BLOG. NAMING. THE. FREAKING. BLOG. 

Let's take a brief little trip down memory lane. Put on your hazmat suit. 

August 2009. 
I had an idea that my high school friends and I should all start a blog and write about college experiences to help us keep in touch. In reality, I was the only one who wanted to do this, and so I did it. I called it "Outrageously Ruby" because "outrageous" was a word I oft used in this phase of life, and "Ruby" is my middle name. This blog is a tragic representation of me at 19, and is another reminder of how thankful I am social media (especially Instagram) wasn't a part of my middle school days (OR ELEMENTARY DAYS OH GOD). I only posted on this baby 25 times, and there is a "fish pond" on it, that I really can't even bring myself to talk further about. 

July 2011.
I began to dabble my knock-off designer toes into the waters of "wannabe fashion blog." Thus was born "Runs With Lipstick." I meant it to be like an indian name. RWL. It was kind of tragic, but I had good times on there. It really birthed some gems. 

My run-in with a suicidal asian and the poh poh. 
That time I went on a bad date.
When I wanted strong eyebrow game.
Obsessing over the Jenner sisters.
Feelings on my ugly iPhone case.
When I did a 30-day clean eating challenge.
Blogging The Bachelor, season Sean Lowe.

What was supposed to be a fashion blog became a place I would just blog all the thoughts in my head or weird life experiences. What was supposed to be a release for fashion became a release to write what I thought was funny. 

WHY IS FASHION BLOGGING SO HARD DAMMIT WHY CAN'T I JUST BLOG ABOUT FASHION I LIKE SHOES AND PRETTY THINGS HELP

I really didn't want to blog about my life. I had always cringed a little when bloggers got too personal in blogs. BUT THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS DOING. GETTING RLY UP CLOSE N PERSONAL. 

June 2013.
I had just graduated college, moved to Dallas and started a part-time internship when Fashion Food Frivolity became a thing in my life. It was a Saturday. I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about the name (thinking about things and being patient isn't my forté) — I just wanted a blog that would NOT be about my life. I was so happy with FFF. I love the initials FFF. I was like GREAT I LOVE FOOD AND FASHION AND I'M SO FRIVOLOUS IT HURTS THIS IS FUN YAY FFF FFF FFF FFF F FF FFFF F F F F . 

It wouldn't be a personal blog, i told self, it would be about exactly what it says: Fashion, food, frivolity. I figured "frivolity" could be the catch-all for when I didn't want to blog about fashion or food.

As it goes, the whole blog has been frivolity. Futile attempts at fashion and food happened, but really, the whole blog was another PERSONAL recounting of things in my life, with my own weird-humor spin.


THE MAIN REASON I STARTED FFF:
I needed a substantial blog I could put on a resume that would display my interests, writing, personality, and flair for social media. I wanted a job in fashion/writing/social media, so I created this blog and social media accounts for it. I thought if I could get this sucker going, I could gain first-hand experience in social media marketing, paid social media advertising, all while having fun trying and failing on my own blog.

I went through a moderately embarrassing bout of posting on FFF instagram, facebook, twitter, and then stopped doing so because a full time job is no joke and i'll never know how people find time for their children.

With my internship at the time only being part-time, I thought FFF would be a perfect summertime hobby.

On its first day, I tweeted about how much I loved one of Man Repeller's latest posts. Then something extremely bizarre happened.

man repeller herself retweeted me. 

i said to me, i've made it. this is it. i'm at the top.

ugly typeface FFF logo i kno leave me alone

My cute little FFF blog was still in its zygote phase, and a bad ass as famous as MR had found it and retweeted it. LIKE WUT??????? like wut i say

Fast forward one month after I started FFF.
The part-time internship became a full-time job. Blog became less about a resume-tool, and more of a writing outlet about personal thoughts and life-happenings. Exactly what I didn't want it to become L O L

And here we are. And by "here" I mean "ready to start a new blog with a more accurate title" and by "we" I mean "just me, just the one."

Yes, yes, you read that correctly, yes, I want to start a new blog, with a title that ACTUALLY reflects content. Me and my dumb thought etc. 

Potential blog names in the running:

• It's fine etc
• It's casual etc
• Señorita Sassy
• 23 is hard
• 20s is hard
• drunk at work etc
• chic is hard etc
• chic happens
• so chic it hurts etc
• i'm fine it's fine etc

Clearly, I'm a fan of saying "etc" and "hard" and "chic" and being pretty. This next blog will be two things: Personal/funny recounts of thoughts/life-happenings and on WordPress.

Fact: I had full intentions to start this new blog today, but a fellow blogger and much wiser friend advised me to sleep on it, saying she, "THIS IS A BLOG, NOT A PAIR OF SHOES." Help me I'm hasty.

Truths about blogging

Any blogger will admit to feeling the following things. Or they will feel it, but not admit to it. Or I'm the only blogger in the world who feels these things and I'll die alone.

1. I'm embarrassed about 98% of my blogs.
2. Self-deprecation (or self-sabotage?) is required.
3. Hearing "I'm the biggest creep, I like all of  your blogs" never gets old, and it's not considered "creeping." 
4. It's awkward saying "Thank you" when someone says they love your blog. thanks i love my blog too, i'm rly obsessed with me.
5. You don't forget it when a guy tells you he "fell for you through your writing." This is not often, because get real, but it happens.
6. Asking certain friends (you know, the ones who get it) to read your blog and make sure it's actually funny before posting it is a common, insecure, and encouraged practice.
7. You automatically bond with other people who blog.
8. A friend who likes your blog on Facebook is a true friend and many blessings will rain upon them.
9. Blogging takes a really really really long time, and then once it's published, I read it 10 more times.
10. I read my old blogs when I can't sleep. And I laugh. And I cringe. And I go to sleep.
11. When a friend you haven't talked to in months texts you asking for a link to an old blog, it's like you talked yesterday.
12. You don't want everyone to read your blog (parents, grade-school teachers, mom's friends, current/potential employers, ex-boyfriends, crushes, gyno, neighbor, cashier at Kroger), but you still somehow want to go viral.
13. You've thought about contributing to BuzzFeed but it sounds exhausting and if you're not famous after your numbered list of gifs after the first two attempts, there's no hope. It's all rigged. Blame public relations.
14. You both put a lot of scrutiny on other bloggers, but also avidly support them, because you get it. youjustgetit.
15. All of your friends commonly tell you, "DON'T BLOG OR TWEET THIS," because you are that girl and you know it.
16. You blog and tweet things you know you shouldn't, whether for the sake of a career or sheer embarrassment  but you do anyway, because the story is just that funny.
17. You do questionable things solely because "it could be good blog material."
18. Everything inspires a blog post. And by everything, I do mean everything. Literally. Everything.
19. You'll be inspired to blog at inconvenient times. IT'S 11:33 PM BUT I JUST THOUGHT OF A BRILLIANT BLOG AND I CAN'T SLEEP UNTIL IT'S DRAFTED.
20. You'll wrestle with Google Analytics and try to bribe your 46 closest friends with a job in anything remotely-advertising related. (coding is hard help).
21. There is no such thing as being satisfied with the design/template/color palette, but your blog ideas can't wait on your poor design skills to be published.
22. You semi live in fear of being sued for using a gif/photo from the internet without properly giving credit. You use the gif/photo anyway.
23. A boyfriend isn't a boyfriend unless he reads every single blog and worships it and you and you writing it.

23 seems like a fitting place to stop. Be on the lookout for a new blog bye.

2014: The year of the pear shape

Disclaimer: This blog is about ass.

Is it just me or is everything on the radio, TV, and internet centered around backsides????? Revolved on the rear????? Abundant in booty?? okthatsalligot

In this blog, we'll go over the events leading to the year of the pair shape, and try to understand why this is happening and how we feel about it.

"He can tell I ain't missing no meals"

Feeling like I need to get tested after watching this video.

Anaconda by Nikki Minaj. Where do I even begin? Whose idea was this? Is Sir Mix A Lot making crazy royalties right now??? Who is Troy from Detroit? What does Drake have to do with anything?? I'm uncomfortable???

Spoiler alert, there is nothing redeeming about this song EXCEPT for the lyric seen above.

He can tell I ain't missin' no meals.

Nikki spits out this original diddy in-between awkward stories about Troy and Michael, may God bless them both.

We get it, Nikki. You lift 3 lb weights and consume all your meals in the jungle and all of this is just giving the ass-bandwagon more gas.

#Seltering

Sorry about the G rated picture.

Jen Selter, forever known as the girl who works out a lot, but apparently only squats, because I don't know if anyone else has noticed but the rest of her body is normal, DARE I SAY BORDERLINE WEAK.

JEN SELTER, IF UR READING THIS,  I CHALLENGE THEE TO AN ARM WRESTLING MATCH.

Me losing an arm wrestling match to a woman in a leopard top, July 2013.

But rly, srsly, who is Jen Selter and where did she come from and why is she ruining all of our lives? Like even I, someone who has always been under the impression I had a decent backside if I must be forced to say so myself, can no longer feel confident in that statement because this barely legal girl from New York exists. And it's fine. It's fine. At least I have my blog and my dignity.

Another thing: Apparently it's possible to have over 4 MIL followers on Instagram and no Wikipedia page, so I have no faith in the internet anymore.

The frustrating part for most women in America is that her Instagram media is just photos of her backside, without any nutrition or fitness tips. AT LEAST WHEN KIM KARDASHIAN POSTS A SELFIE, WE KNOW THE PROCESS OF HOW IT GOT THERE.

Throw us a bone, Jen Selter!!! How did you do it???? What do you even eat???? Do you even go to school?? Are there chairs in your house or do you squat while you do homework???? What do your parents think about this???? What is your favorite color???

I JUST THINK THIS IS INFORMATION WE SHOULD ALREADY KNOW. WHAT IS SOCIAL MEDIA EVEN GOOD FOR.

Also, I think she invited the world #belfie, which is truly only something that could only happen in 2014 by Generation Y.

Miley twerking (or something)

This picture gets me EVERY TIME

What's a good example without a bad example? Miley proved to the world that you can talk the talk without walking the walk (er twerking the twerk).

I still went to her concert and it was still awesome so I'm going to just stop here.

The most original music artists of the year

WAY TO COME OUT WITH A SONG TITLED "BOOTY." VERY GROUNDBREAKING AND CONGRATS TO YOU BOTH FOR THIS OUTSTANDING CONTRIBUTION TO SOCIETY.

While Miley can't twerk to save her spanx, JLO & Iggy prove just the opposite. They recently came out with the song "Booty" and let me tell you something, it makes "Anaconda" sound like "Imagine" by John Lennon. IT IS SO PAINFULLY ATROCIOUS. IT'S NOT EVEN THE TYPE OF CATCHY THAT YOU HATE TO LOVE. IT'S JUST BORING.

At least anaconda required a fraction of creativity to come up with (?). Never thought I'd stick up for the song Anaconda but this is what my generation has brought me to.

In JLO & Iggy's defense, they do indeed know how to shake it, and own it. Unlike our next subject who can't shake it and owns it.

Almost, T

ok but i freakin luv this song <3

I applaud Taylor for her awkward attempt in joining in on the ass trend and then shaking it off when she realizes she just can't. White girl just can't even. But she knows it and she owns it and we love her for it and I want to shake shake shake until I die.

I wish I had some pear shape references from TV but I am bad at TV and somehow twerking and  high waisted shorts aren't on the History channel or reruns of The Office, idk, it's really weird.

And then we have Yonce, who just really SETS THE STANDARD FOR WOMEN IN AMERICA REALLY LOW. NOT.

Things I did while I wasn't blogging

hi. IT'S BEEN A WHILE. I know you already know this because you've had a lot of sleepless nights over it, but just to put an exact number on it, I HAVE NOT BLOGGED IN OVER THREE MONTHS. ya, let that soak in.

There have been a few futile attempts to whip up a post in the past few months, but for one reason or another, there was never a click on that "publish" button. So this blog is going to be my shot at doing a wrap up of the past few months, and hopefully a start back to regular blogging because I have some topics up my sleeve (more excuses to talk about myself and basic things of the such).

Here are things I did while I wasn't blogging:

1. Tweeting really important things. 

i'm being serious

i spent hours meal prepping just so i could attend like 831 work happy hours the same week it's fine

it was 2 p.m.

it moved me

see i told u

more on this later. 

I WENT ACTUAL VIRAL ONCE IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL

this is important

#AWintersTale #ABadMovie

you know

i thought my TV was broken for a whole weekend until I called someone and they told me how to work the remote. TV is rly hard 

you know???????????????????????????????????????????????

2. Making effing incredible Spotify playlists

So like, idk what it is, but God blessed me with the gift of music curation, that's all i'm saying, i'm not bragging, i'm just saying. 

I'm into this really hipster thing you've never heard of cuz ur basic called "electronic R&B". Here it is. I'm listening to it now in fact.

It was one of my goals to get into worship music over the summer because I've honestly never liked it that much lol. This isn't something I would typically do, but I have really amazing friends who push me to do things like this and so here I am. Here are some christian songs I can actually deal with, and a few I'm basically chronically obsessed with, so here you go. (some aren't technically "christian" but when I hear them, it just makes sense to go in this playlist because i'm a music scientist and i know these things ok go with it)

3. Casually just getting in car wrecks etc.

Ya. I was in Addison driving my car (balla, shot calla, 20 inch rims, on the 2009 BLUE CHEVY IMPALAAAAA) with two friends. I wasn't texting, or drinking, or anything illegal (except being criminally good looking), and I was crossing the toll road, trying to get to Gloria's, facing the sun, and ran into another girl kind of head on. It was rly kewt (everyone was fine calm down) A cop came and did whatever cops do in those situations and we couldn't decide whose fault it was so it was fun. Don't worry, the Impala was still intact enough to make it to Gloria's afterwards because #thereisaGod.

Oh. also. Whilst my car being in the shop, I had to rent a car. A car not of my choosing. Usually I'm excited when I get to rent a car from the Chevy dealership, because you know, driving a car that's not yours is fun etc, well. I WAS HOPING TO RENT A CHEVY MALIBU BECAUSE I'M A MOTHER IN MY 40S, BUT INSTEAD THEY GAVE ME A CAMARO.

A CAMARO.

A. C A M A R O.

It's fine if you drive a Camaro, I get that, it's a hip car, sure, but sometimes I just don't want to lay on my back while driving a car, and sometimes I want to see out of the windshield, idk, i'm old fashioned i guess idk.

4.  Moving apartments by myself up three flights of stairs with no elevator etc

And when I say by myself, I mean with 2 men I paid, but yeah, you get it. And before you give my blog a judgmental look, I'll have you know, I OWN A COUCH AND WASHER AND DRYER AND THAT SH*T DOES NOT MOVE ITSELF. okimdone

5. Connecting the dryer cord to the wall

This was an actual ordeal, but I survived to blog about it, and I'm seeking support groups with people who've been through this experience as well.

23 is hard

6. Posting photos of my ankles on Craigslist and looking for new ones

Ya so this is a great story. Shortly after moving to an elevatorless apartment, I sprained my ankle. walking. on flat surface. in flat shoes. WALKING IS HARD. It's an ordeal of a story that I would feel comfortable telling you over drinks that you buy me.

So, yes, I got in a car wreck, moved apartments, and sprained my ankle all within a 30 day span because 23 is hard.

The following video is how i walk in flats. Also, I've seen this like 18 times because it's that funny.

halp

7. Being interviewed by the Dallas press

Well, I have a friend who also blogs, and sometimes, I'm in them, because I'm famous, and her blog is famous. Kind of. I mean, Taylor swift liked her photo on instagram, Chris Harrison tweeted her, and Brad Paisley follows her on Twitter, but it's seriously whatever, it's actually not a big deal.

This blogger, let's call her Paige, because that's her actual name, blogged about the night I sprained my ankle.

And about the night we Oktoberfested.

And about how to land a man (this actually has nothing to do with me, but I'm an eye witness and contributor to all these things so read it).

Her blog is called "Just PMSing" because PMS are her initials, and I'm explaining this because I know my mom is reading this and about to text me asking questions.

8. Freelance writing. A lot. 

Sometimes i blog about the bachelor for free, and sometimes people pay me to blog about things.

I wrote about...

• How to explain social media to ur mom
• 3 easy dinner recipes because i know everything about easy dinner recipes
• Passionate people
• Alternative flooring 
• Homecoming mums because I definitely DID NOT have to google the word "mums" before writing this
• Desert recipes that are kiiiiiind of healthy
• Memorial day so actually i wrote this in May but whtvr
• Karaoke and i love this blog
• Men's fashion because i'm a man and i'm stylish

LOOK OUT FOR MORE IN OCTOBER K GREAT THNX

9. Seeing famous ppl

This is Aretha Franklin TEARING UP DAT PIANO. She isn't touring, she was singing just for a benefit. It was kind of surreal when she sang "Respect," because, I mean, come on. America. I feel thankful I had the opportunity to see her.

I saw the queen. 

Ryan Tedder of One Republic. He sang "Apologize," and I was happy. 

I got to go to most of these concerts for free, because friends of a friend, ticket drop outs, etc , I'm not a millionaire, don't get it twisted.

I WAS LITERALLY THE NEXT TABLE OVER. he is just as good looking in person, and so sweet. This was at Nobu, where I was for a friend's birthday. She got a pic with him. We all talked about Tech. He asked me to marry him. Lalala.

10. Shopping 4 vinyl

I bought a record player one fine Saturday afternoon and it's kind of life changing. I bought my first record that same day. Robert Johnson. I just felt like it was a good "I'm a white girl buying my first record" album. (also, pls go buy all your records at Bill's Records on Lamar street in Dallas because he is the best).

As fate would have it, my brother-in-law owns a ton of records that he doesn't use anymore. And gave them to me <3<3<3<3 with frames <3<3<3<3 and they're pretty<3<3<3<3. 

11. Obsessing over history

There is no other way to say that, and I get that I'm the absolute biggest loser within a 3 mile radius off uptown right now. I read all of Genesis in August, and watched The Bible TV series in 2 days, and it just kind of kicked off this really weird itch to know about everything B.C. I've never read Genesis start to finish before and it was an experience.

You can ask my roommate, who has to deal with me recording things about "Solomon's secret treasure" and "The History of the world in 2 hours" and all things Egypt and Old Testament.

It's like grossly carrying over into my social media habits. After reading stories from the Old Testament, I would go Pinterest for images of art depicting it.

Destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. This story and how Lot's wife turned to salt blows my mind a thousand times and I have zero idea who painted this so don't ask. 

BB CONTEST, JUDITH IN FIRST PLACE, AMMIRITE

In addition to my newfound obsession with the Old Testament and all the things history, couples perfectly with the fact that during this time my church did a series called "Skeptical" and it was more or less life changing and earth shattering, but that's neither here nor there.

11 is a good number so i'm going to stop k good talk everyone

And the winner of a NEW PAIR OF LULU'S IS..........

.... Shelby!

Congrats to Shelby, who won the FFF birthday Lululemon giveaway! Shelby will pick her favorite style, and I will have my fashion elves mail them to her house with love from the FFF team (and by team i mean me, my roommate's cat, and my bottle of wine).


Thank you to everyone who subscribed to my blog in order to be entered and anyone who has shared, liked, or commented on my blog. Encouragement really goes to my head and it's great.

Lastly, thank you to ALL (all four of you) readers who read my blog at all! Blogging is really awkward, vulnerable, and a little too real at times, so genuine thanks from me and my cat.

I'm going to include an exchange Shelby and I had earlier in the week, and then mentally scoff at you mentally saying this giveaway was rigged by showing some screenshot proof that Shelby won fairsy squarsies.

Here we see me, gently and subtly reminding my followers of the giveaway, and Shelby, reminding me of spring break 2012 when I went to her family's lake house with a dozen other less-than-sober Texas Tech undergraduates.

And here, her winning ballot:

Random.org picked the number 12. 

This isn't the whole list, obvzZzZzZz, but as you can see, her e-mail is #12, from the top.

Time to go tweet Yung Shell.
Happy Saturday!

Happy birthday, FFF! Lulu Lemon giveaway

I've always wanted to host a giveaway on my blog. Well it just so happens this month is my blog's birthday! FFF IS TURNING ONE AND GETTING SO GROWN UP. I'd also like to celebrate the success of my recent post, "All the thoughts I have at the gym." People shared it on Facebook, and it went over well with my blog's analytics. 

Quick FFF fun facts

• 1,186 people have read FFF in 2014.
• Since January, the average visit duration is 2 minutes.
• The most successful post written in 2014 was Episode 5 of The Bachelor, Juan Pablo.
• 32 countries have read FFF this year.
• Top 5 reading cities are: Dallas, Lubbock, Houston, New York (???), and Carlsbad (COME ON, HOMETOWNERS, I EXPECTED BETTER FROM YOU.
• Less than 1% of you read FFF on your phone, which is truly fascinating and bizarre, because Gen Y.
• The top mobile device used to read FFF is the Apple iPad, by a long-shot.
• Facebook (like most things in life) is the top referral source of traffic.
• The Man Repeller retweeted my blog the day after I created it. It was a bizarre out of body experience.

The proof is in the screenshot.

In honor of FFF's first birthday, and the success of the gym blog, I will be giving away a pair of Lulu lemon pants to one lucky blog subscriber. How do you enter to win this prize, you ask? Subscribe to my blog. There is a little square on the top right corner that is happy to take your e-mail.

5 Reasons you should subscribe to my blog:

• The obvious reason being so that you can be notified IMMEDIATELY with an annoying e-mail, that will probably end up in your spam folder, after each time I publish a new post.
• Because you hate The Bachelor and The Bachelorette but you can't stop obsessing over who Andi is sending home.
• Sometimes you get bored at work and you need a 3 PM blog pick-me-up. You fear your boss will catch you reading the word "ass" on my blog, but you're a risk taker with a severe wild streak.
• Did I mention I'm giving away LULU LEMON to one lucky subscriber.
• LIKE I'M LITERALLY BUYING A SHIRT AND MAILING IT TO A SUBSCRIBER. 

How this works

• I will list all people who entered, assigning each of them a number. 
• I will enter the number of entries into random.org.
• That website will legally choose a random number, and that person will be styling at their next gym sesh.
• I will e-mail that winner, and announce him/her on Facebook. I will order the size/style of that persons choice!
• I'm going to message you on Facebook if you shared my "Thoughts at the gym" post. You're entered, honey!
• I'LL PICK A WINNER FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to type that in a bigger, bolder font. 

I am going to buy the winner Lulu Lemon pants the size and style of her choice.

But Augusta, what if a dude wins?

LOL. K.

The Bachelorette Episode 2: Not to be confused with Magic Mike

Finding it hard to be snarky about the beginning of this episode, knowing that Eric has died. He was really cute. And this is really sad.

We start out with Chris getting the men excited about Andi, ensuring them that, "She's one of the best there's ever been." WELL SH#T????? THAT IS KIND OF A HUGE COMPLIMENT, ALRIGHTY, OKAY.

Andi sweeps in the room, confidently basking in the center of attention, in all her turquoise-top glory.

Commercial break for a really scripted Suave commercial, starring a past Bachelorette I've never heard of in my life.

Andi takes Eric out on the first date, ripping all of our hearts out. They start out on a beach, which is fun, Andi wears a white bikini, when all of a sudden a helicopter picks them up and TAKES THEM TO A SNOWY MOUNTAIN?????? I don't understand how this is geographically possible, which proves that Chris Harrison and the producers behind The Bachelorette can literally conquer all impossible obstacles, do anything, be anything, CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN, SWIM EVERY OCEAN, AND GRANT THE WISH OF EVERY BACH CONTESTANT.

Eric goes into jaw-dropping detail about how his travels through Syria as a "journalist" when he thought he was going to die. Andi is enthralled. I am enthralled.

She has commented on his looks 347-352 times, just this episode. Eric finishes his story, talks about how family would always come before travels, and it's all just really f#cking sad.

"I can't tell you how many times I've been to a beautiful place wishing there was somebody else." - Eric

me watching this with my laptop open, on the couch

Back at the testosterone-filled house, the men going on the first group date are announced.

Andi gives Eric the rose, because HOW COULD YOU NOT, HE WAS THE TOTAL PACKAGE.

They ate dinner at a cabin which looked really perfect. #Wine&Marshmellows

Andi makes goes all Magic Mike on America and makes the men strip, which makes me 10 kinds of uncomfortable. Marcus had a solo, and he wasn't happy. But it went well for him because he is really hot.

Andi was really into all the strip teasing which was really weird.

We are all at the house, and Brian makes a point to sneak Andi away. I think Brian is rly kewt. This picture doesn't do him justice.

Now we have Josh M. (Ken Barbie) assuring Andi that he is NOT the stereotypical athelete, and even dares to pull the "I'm shy" card. Andi doesn't buy it. But I need her to just keep him around anyway, he and his tan look like blogging material.

Craig is getting drunk.

The opera singer serenades Andi. I'm cringing. OH MY WORD CRAIG IS APPROACHING ANDI AND HE IS WASTED. This is bad. His face is like tomato red. They continue talking....

A look into their conversation...

"Ask me anything, I'm an open book."

"What's the worst thing about your parents?"

"...oh my God??"

Now Andi is trying to get one-on-one on with Swag-Daddy-Ron, and things are getting too rowdy and loud. Craig and some other unidentified caucasian male have taken advantage of the pool, and are diving in fully clothed. Andi be ticked. "Don't they realize they're here to date???" Translation "NOT ALL OF THE ATTENTION IS DIRECTED ON ME RIGHT NOW AND I DON'T LIKE IT." I mean, they are guys!!!!!! I'm not suprised this is happening!! There is alcohol and pool in a closed premises, you get what you get.

But yeah, I agree, I would probably not give the idiots who jumped in the pool before the ceremony a rose lol.

The teenage 29-year-old

Craig is going crazy. The producers had to get involved and "take him home"????????????????? IS THERE MORE THAN ONE MANSION??? I don't know where they're taking him, but Andi is madly furious that he got drunk, emphasizing that she "wants them to have fun" BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT TOO MUCH FUN.

OH YAY now Marcus and Andi are alone. They're holding wine and look really classy. Andi has on an extremely provocative dress this early in the show so I shudder to think what she pulls out of the closet in the following weeks.

Just a few minutes later, Andi gives her pre-ceremony rose to Marcus. Andi is proving to have decent taste. I was worried, because as we all can recall, SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH JUAN PABLO.

~*~

Okay, now Andi is taking Chris out on a FANCY date. She stuns in a little emerald green frock, and side low bun. Oh and that lipstick!!! That winged liner!!! Someone put her on Pinterest.

Homeboy walks out in a lavender/gray tux. And off to the horseraces they go!

They meet a really old coouple that asks them how long they've been together. It's hard to tell if that was scripted because the old couple told their love story and it was really cute. Andi said she wants to one day be the old couple going to the races. YEAH YOU AND EVERY OTHER STARBUCKS-LOVING, UGG-WEARING WHITE GIRL, ANDI.

Chris reveals to Andi that he's been engaged before, which actually, no girl wants to hear, so good for him for going the Honest Route. THEN AGAIN we all know that these people do everything they can to squeeze sympathy out of viewers, and the Bach. It's hard to know when they're being honest to get closer to you or being honest to gain your sympathy. I know this because I've been on the show before, so.

Andi gives the rose to Chris. No surprise. Another non-shocker: a bearded man band serenades them in a private concert, and they dance.

A lot of one-on-one time.

I need Andi to stop saying she's hopeful, because WE GET IT. She wears a really jazzy evening gown with like a thousand fake crystals on it.

Nick V. and Andi sneak off alone. OKAY HE IS CUTE??? Where did this guy come from??? He also seems really normal. Andi agrees they're aligned on their views of love.

He's on my new Yes List. 

Now it's Marquel's turn. He and his different patterned tie, shirt, and socks are all really trendy and stylish, but in a way that might be out of my league, because I don't understand it, but it seems like it's right.

JJ steals her away--HE'S ONE OF MY FAVES.

Josh M. and his tan and pink tie pulls Andi aside and says "literally" a lot. She tells him to stop rambling. He gets really nervous and his FACE TURNS REALLY RED, Andi tells him he's a mess. He tells the camera he got butterflies talking to her. WHICH IS KIND OF CUTE BUT ALSO HE COULD BE LYING, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE.

They kiss. I feel like Josh M. is a better kisser than Chris.

OH GOD NOW CRAIG IS HERE, AND HE'S A JOKE. let's get this apology over with, THERE ARE CUTE GUYS WAITING ON HER, CRAIG.

Craig proceeds to play guitar and sing her an impromptu song that was kind of funny and cute BUT NO. YOUR ASS IS GOING HOME.

The Rose Ceremony

Chris opens with "it's nice to see you all clothed." oH PLZ CHRIS, I SAW YOU SPANK ONE OF THEM, I LOL'D. Andi walks in and they are all really captivated. I will say, she does look so gorgeous. And she is definitely a natural and flirting and being on the other side of the rose.

Ron gets the first rose, which is RLY freaking random, I think we can all agree.

then she calls out Dylan and I don't even know who that is.

JJ GETS THE THIRD!!! she likey the nerdz

Marquel and his bad self gets a rose.

Andrew, social media man, accepts his next rose.

I'M READY FOR HER TO JUST SEND CHRIS HOME.

Tasos, the man with the weirdest name ever, gets a rose.

Josh M. gets one. He is kind of cute. he's growing on me.

Cody gets one. He needs to stop lifting weights.

NICK GETS ONE WEEEEEEE!

Patrick gets one. Again, he is tall, thus, extremely attractive.

BRYAN GETS ONE YAYAYAYA

The camera has zoomed in on a few guys I don't recall.

There is one rose left, and at least 837 guys still waitin gfor a rose.

BRADLEY GETS A ROSE, AND THERE IS A GUY IN GLASSES WHO IS SO CUTE, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS, AND HE IS SAD.

Carl, the fire fighter, was teh mystery geek chic classes man. He was sent home. I feel like he just fell through the cracks. He was really cute.

HE LOOKS LIKE A PEDOPHILE A LITTLE BIT I THINK

Some other Nick got sent home, which is great, because there is only room for one damn Nick on this show. And Nick S. is creepy.

Craig, the drunk idiot, obviously got sent home. Back to Denver you go. He rattles on and on about how incredible she is and how he'll live with this mistake 'THE REST OF HIS LIFE' oohgyawed.

This is a good crop of guys, so I'm interested to see how things transpire.............happy memorial day bye.

The Bachelorette: Andi meets the men & I pick my favorites

I really didn't want to blog The Bachelorette, Andi.  Blogging is a lot of dedication, energy, and TIME. Another main reason I was hesitant is because blogging about all the dumb women chasing a man on The Bachelor is so much more fun than blogging about the men chasing a woman. I ACTUALLY LIKE THE STORY OF A MAN CHASING A WOMAN.

Also, it's nearly impossible to commit to anything in the summer. The weather is good and you never know when you'll be invited to a porch somewhere.

BUT ALAS. I was summoned to blog about the Bachelorette by a few near and dear readers, and my roommate is a Bach die-hard, so I'm going to give a go at it, y'all.

Things we already know about this season:

• Andi is a hugger (girls either are or they aren't, I AM NOT.)
• SOMEONE DIES??? WTF????? This is sad.

We become immediately become immersed in CSI Atlanta. Mall copy Andi is filmed shuffling papers, running across front yards, packing up her office, etc normal detective duties.

She wears a bright yellow big bird dress with a denim jacket that's no doubt from Hollister circa 2005. In a different outfit, a much chicer one, she walks into her parents house. She looks very stunning, I think Andi is a cute girl. And very real. She is a catch and a half. Unless it turns out she's a huge bitch.

I was hoping her hair would be one color by this point, but as it turns out, it's still ombre.

In another outfit change, a billowy, boxy, sheer white top, we see her shopping and trying on shirts with oversiezed roses on it.

Then we see her getting a photoshoot in front of law books in her black naughty secretary pencil skirt, then a gold evening gown blowing rose petals to the camera.

I'm trying to think of something more cliche than the moments I'm experiencing this very second. 

Andi is the most excited person in the world. So full of energy, so enthusiastic, so bubbly, so alive. I am typically a very easily excitable person, and EVEN I CAN'T HANDLE ANDI'S EXCITEMENT.

If she says "Falling in love should be fun, this should be fun, meeting them will be fun" or any variation thereof, I will throw my Corona at the TV.

Her sister helps her get dressed and ready, Andi cries, etc. They don't look anything alike. Andi has to decide between a taupe beaded gown or a gold pleated gown. She needs to go with the taupe beaded if she knows what's good for her.

The men are coming THE MEN ARE COMING. Andi steps in the limo in her taupe beaded number, and my heart is proud.

My Top Bachelors

Marcus. His hometown may be in Alberta, BUT HE CURRENTLY LIVES IN DALLAS WHICH MEANS IF HE AND ANDI DON'T WORK OUT, I'M GOING TO NEED HIM TO TAKE ME TO VELVET TACO AT 3 AM, I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THAT AT ALL. Marcus is probably the hottest on the show. I've decided Marcus is the hottest on the show, and this is not just because he lives in Dallas and is into Third Eye Blind (lol at Enrique Iglesias...? SOMEHOW IT WORKS FOR HIM)

Andrew, Social media marketer from CA, probably has a hilarious Twitter page. #AndiAndAndrew.....#AndrewAndAugusta.... Then again, Andi can have him. I'm WAY too competitive to date someone who does the same thing as me. That would not go over well.

JJ in the bowtie is a little geek chic cutie!!! He is a "pantsapreneur" which makes me a little sad and scared, but I want to give him a chance because is just the right amount of nerdy, and oh, he is 6'5", and I'm shallow and like really tall guys. (Can we talk about his favorite movies? Again, I'm a little sad and scared, but at least he likes the original version of Alice and Wonka, ammirite???)

Patrick. He looks like he could be a cheesedick but he's 6'4" so.... I'm powerlessly drawn to him. Also, #Drake

Marquel. Can I just saw #SWAG????????? M obviously makes the perfect ~*~ChOcOLaTe PiCk~*~

Random thoughts meeting the men

Editors note: I'm just going to leave these unedited because, really, why bother. 

Then we see men pushing a limo uphill to the drive way, and the guy was a personal trainer from Chicago and I feel like he did that on purpose.

Chris, man with a peach fuzz mustache.

Steven, snowboard developer, hipster S T O K ED

Rudie, also an attorney like Andi, has a weird name. He is cheesy.

Firefighter from Ft Lauderdale is really really cute.

Jason  is a doctor but has bad hair. And has a case of cheesedick jokes. Likely an incurable case.

Nick V. in software sales seems genuine but also meh

Dylan, acountant from Boston gets really nervous and it's kind of cute but also like stop admitting you're nervous.

Patrick, ad exec from CA, is basically John Hamm from Mad Men.

Emil, helicopter pilot rom CA, looks older than he looks and described his name as "Anal with an M"

The next guy is a hairdresser, and he brout a lamp with him. Ironically, he is not very bright. "My mom told me to never approach a lady empty handed, so I brought this lamp from my hotel." ...... TF???

Then a guy walks out shaking champagne then leaves it on the ground on the street so it was all for nothing.

Ron from Memphis is a chocolate man in a purple tie.

Bradley, an opera singer from Holland, makes it known that he wants to serenade her later. I tremorred.

Josh from Denver, potentially a forgettable white guy.

Nick, pro golfer from FL, pulls up in a golf cart, because he wants to wave his "I'M A BIG DEAL" flag.

Bryan, basketball coach from PA, needed help with his tie. He seems genuine.


Marquel steps out in his pink gingham and drops the phrase "A Game" within 5 sconds... S W A G

Tasos has an earring and does this weird lock thing and she liked it and I have to go feed my cat.


Mike, Bartender from UT, looks and sounds like he is 19. He talks a lot and it's painful. He gis her his number

Josh M. is also from Atlanta. He is like 89 feet tall and kind of looks like a man barbie. Really white teeth, tan face, and I think he dyes his hair darker than it really is. He is Mr. Smooth.


Josh M is way too Ken Barbie for me to take seriously. Why is he so tan. His teeth are so white. She said he's her type. Hmph.

Time to mingle in the mansion

Now Andi walks inside and these men are dogs. They are yelling at her complimenting her like wild teenagers out of the jungle seeing girls for the first time. Everyone is telling her she's glowing. WELL SHE BETTER NOT BE, THE LAST THING WE NEED IS A PREGNANT BACHELORETTE.

Marquel, swag man in the gingham, randomly pulls out cookies and milk and he's the one I think. But actually this is really weird. She liked it.

I need the pantsapreneur to change his job title because he is really cute.

Patrick and Andrew both tell the camera privately that "they are eachother's caliber" and "they are suave" so when they come out as gay for each other throughout the course of the show, let's not be surprised.

Chris reveals that some rando dude from seasons past of The Bachelor came to meet Andi. I don't know who this man is, but Chris is adamant about not letting him see her because she said no. Like, what??? Why does he want to meet her??? Why did she say no???? Why am I certain that I would have said yes???????????????

Dallas man Marcus tells us he speaks Polish and German.

The Rose Ceremony

She gave the pre-ceremony first rose to a guy "she wouldn't have chose based on looks but gave her a great first impression"but honestly I'm a little confused why she gave it to him. He was extremely forgettable to me. I didn't even catch his name. DALLAS MAN MARCUS SHOULD HAD THE ROSE.

She picked the pantsapreneur first at the ceremony!!! I'm so happy!1 GO JJ!!

Rudie, Jason, and Josh B. are sent home.

This jackass decided to make a fool of himself after being sent home, instead of just taking it gracefully. He is like literally crying. Cussing fits of rage make great TV, but they also broadcast it to the demographic of girls you are trying to date, Josh B.... IT MIGHT BE UNWISE TO BE IMMATURE ON NATIONAL TV WHEN THE TARGET AUDIENCE IS ALSO YOUR TARGET AUDIENCE.

see you next week, babes.