Juanuary Episode 4: White Girl Problems

Alright, here we go.

Can you tell which girls Juan said "Adios" to???? Read on, if not. And if you do, read on anyway.

The show starts out with Chris Harrison telling the girls they have one hour to pack their bags because they're going to Seoul, South Korea.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

South Korea??? Is that exciting??? Do I want to go there??? Are we supposed to be happy for the girls this season??????? I finally get to travel the world for free and I have to go to South Korea, white girl problem #1.

My reaction, after Chris H. tells me we're going to Seoul:

The girls' reaction: 

Lalala, they're in South Korea. Then the group date is announced. Nikki the nurse (#alliteration) is perturbed because she "is across the world and doesn't want to be stuck with all five other ANNOYING girls."

Nikki definitely seems like the type of girl that will have a lot of bridesmaids and friends at her wedding.

A picture of Nikki and her best friends. #whitegirlproblems

Enter: asian pop music.

"K-pop is going to take over America," said Juan Pablo, a music-industry analyst. This episode is centered around this one premonition.

Nikki rants to the camera about not being able to share things, as she didn't have to do that growing up. She makes no attempt to hide her inner spoiled selfish white girl problems.

HOLD UP BECAUSE THE GIRLS LIVES ARE ABOUT TO BE CHANGED. #MEETINGLEGENDS

The girls get to meet Seoul's most popular K-Pop group, 2NE1, not to be confused with the more normal interpretation of the band name, twenty-one.

Sean was the first bachelor to open up about being a virgin and Juan was the first bachelor to openly parade his and every man's asian fetish.

This is exciting because everyone is of course familiar with that group, and has always wanted to meet South Korea's most popular girl band. (or finally meeting a famous girl band and not even knowing who they are, white girl problem #2)

Said Nikki on the subject, not scripted at all, "Their YouTube video had 77 million views. MILLION. That is a lot of views." Thank you for the impact, Nikki.

So now the K-Pop is speaking English and teaching them a dance. This is very reminiscent of DCC: Making the Team. Kelli, the brunette/fierce coach from Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader's is going to walk in any second.

Kelli and her assistant coach assess the damage done on tonight's episode.

Kat is prepared, as she basically invented rhythm and bodily movements. The bitch can dance.

Nikki emphasizes how annoying this group date is. Nikki has a problem when someone is better than her at something. Then the surprise we all knew was coming, came: they're going to perform it in front of a live audience.

Kat is thrilled. Nikki might commit suicide before commercial break.

~*~*~*~

Unfortunately, we're back from break and she's still here.

Cassandra, former NBA dancer, is surprisingly barely on this episode. I was an NBA dancer and ABC didn't even film me when I danced on The Bachelor, white girl problems #3.

Back to Nikki.

"My day couldn't get any worse," says the gorgeous, financially stable, blonde while on vacation, as she pursues the assumed man of her dreams. So if everyone could keep Nikki in your prayers in this hard time, her family would really be so grateful.

Nikki has dance moves as good as Taylor Swift and she was forced to dance on national television, white girl problems #5

Now the girls are decked out in Harajuku girl clothes. Gwen Stefani is probably watching this episode.

Soapbox:
STOP ACTING LIKE YOU KNOW WHO "21" IS. YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD OF THAT BAND IN YOUR LIFE. PLEASE, SPARE ME THE SPEECH ABC PREPARED FOR YOU.

End of soapbox.

Breaking Update: Nikki still complaining about dancing.

Next thing we know, the asian spice girls are bringing the bachelorettes on stage and everyone is spanking themselves. The crowd is going NUTS. Neon, screaming, loud music, flashing lights, America is suddenly having vague flashbacks of boys bid night freshmen year.

Nikki, not to be confused with a good dancer, frowns the entire time.

Juan,  who can barely speak English, proceeds to sing fluently in Korean.

"Yeah, I danced with Korean's most popular K-Pop group! That's incredible! Who can say that?!" -Chelsie, a true embracer of #tooblessedtobestressed.

Speed up to nighttime. Girls and Pabs are at the house, all in cocktail attire. A single rose lies on the table.

Kat, to the camera, says, "I need Juan to know I'm more than just a fun girl. There is more to me." Kat goes into mad detail about her dad, an alcoholic, and how she's always been strong and successful. Despite her efforts, I can only say that when a girl HAS to say she is a specific something, she is most likely not that something.

My crush doesn't think I'm deep, white girl problems #6.

While Kat attempts to get Juan to think she is an ancient Greek Philosopher, Nikki engages in some old fashioned gossip back with the other girls. "Kat is one way with us, and then she's all 'who wants some guacamole' when Juan's around. There's NO WAY that's real."

and now I feel offended because Nikki is personally attacking Guacamole????????

Every girl in the house has told the camera that Nikki is two-faced and evil. We can all now expect Nikki to win this season of The Bachelor, as we know how the straight male population is with dominant, mean girls. #Vienna #TheBitchesAlwaysWin

I'm not bitchy enough to win the men over, white girl problems #7

Once the witch in the house has been identified, the "I don't want to gossip, but..." type girls surface in the snow. They begin to warn Juan about Nikki.

Sharleen gets the one-on-one date.

Now, I think Sharleen is truly stunning. However... she is so indifferent to this whole thing. I mean, I don't blame her, I'm not wild about Juan either, but I think there needs to be at least a TINY bit of interest on her part.

Cut to some other time in the night (weird editing, ABC producers???????) to Juan giving Nikki a rose. (what did I tell you....)

Back to the announcement of Shar's one-on-one date. Now we have Courtney Kerr, I mean Juan in a shower scene shot, prepping for his date with Sharleen. The camera shows Shar in her rollers. She looks glamourous even when she doesn't look glamorous; it's extremely rude.

Now Sharleen, her perfect blown out waves, and Juan are walking through the Asian market. This actually does look like fun date. Walking in a strange city trying strange foods? SIGN ME UP, HONEY.

Cut to girls back at the house. It's prime girl-time as the girls gossip and paint their nails. They all reiterate how Sharleen has blatantly said that she and Juan have boring conversation, and that she hasn't felt a connection. (LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL me and Shar share need to grab a drink drink)

I'm starting to see a fatter, homelier, less musically-inclined version of myself in Shar.

Cut back to the date. Shar tries her damnedest to make some sort of connection with Juan. She is literally pulling teeth. They sit across a small table together. They talk about how she began singing as a young girl. "If there was a degree in soccer, I would have dat," Juan says, puffing up his feathers and ego, not to be one-upped.

Shar comments that Juan has a smart-ass side to him. UM???????????? YOU WISH HE WAS A SMART ASS, HONEY. YOU ARE DYING FOR THERE TO BE SOME SORT OF EDGE, PASSION, OR EMOTION BETWEEN YOU AND JUAN.

My boyfriend's not a smart ass, white girl problems #8

"It makes you interesting and not bland, that you're a smart ass," says Shar.

Juan doesn't speak english so she had to help him out with the definition of "bland," assuring him that he is NOT bland, and the food they ate was NOT bland.

She tells the camera that Juan is more fun than expected and that the day was effortless.

*rolls eyes*

She sings for him. "Bella," he says. Then they kiss. He bit her lip. I said, "Ouch," out loud. She tells the camera he is a good kisser.

Sharleen, the LEAST weird person I've ever seen in my life, pulls the "I'm a cute dork" card, as she assures Juan she's weird over dinner.

Okay. Okay. I've about seen enough.

Then Juan goes into detail about how his dad left him in Venezuela or something. I'm a little confused about the details. ABC definitely edited out the meat of that story. Because they obviously had to leave in the IMPORTANT parts of the conversation: when Juan asks how many kids she wants.

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN.

Honey-badger Shar Shar doesn't really care about having lil niños!!!!!!! She ALL but said "I effing hate children."

Juan claims to appreciate the fact that she is a heartless robot who doesn't want to reproduce, and he gives her a rose. And kisses her.

COMMERCIAL BREAK BEFORE THINGS CAN GET ANY RACIER, THANK YOU ABC, THIS IS A FAMILY CHANNEL, WOW, GAWD, SHEESH.

Now it's group date time. The date card reads, "Krazy in Korea" The Kardashians are somewhere in the world, watching and smiling to themselves.

They end up singing karaoke and dancing in an overly floral, sketchy building. This looks exactly like the 5th floor of a 7 story discoteca I went to in Madrid called El Kapital, but that's another story.

El Kapital in Madrid. 5th floor not shown.

Juan takes the girls to get a pedicure, the kind that involves putting your phalanges in a bowl of piranhas.

My boyfriend is forcing me to get a pedicure, white girl problems #9

Now they're eating Octopus. A cuisine that Clare has expressed to be timid towards.

"This is the epitome of my fears," said Clare about the food, a woman so strong she doesn't worry about undergoing fears of normal, pitiful women. Fears like rape, death of loved ones, kidnapping, or murder. We really admire you for facing your fears of eating, Clare.

Dog lover, reports on Clare eating Octopus.

 "Herpes literally this big."

CUT TO LATER IN THE NIGHT, I CAN BARELY KEEP UP WITH THE A.D.H.D. EDITING BY THE PRODUCERS. Rennee wants to kiss Juan. Now Juan is worried about his daughter seeing him kiss too many women. He decides to draw the line at 6 (SAME HERE JUAN, I ALWAYS STOP AT SIX WHEN I'VE DATED A SUCCESSION OF MEN IN A SHORT TIME SPAN). He doesn't let Rennee kiss him. Remember this for later on.

Now Andi's ombre hair is finally getting alone time with Juan. We learn two things during this time. One) Juan cannot say "excuse me" and two) he likes to sleep in. Another fascinating portion of alone time this season on The Bachelor.

ECYEW ME?

Juan says Andi is "bella" and "perfect." BECAUSE HE HAS NEVER SAID THAT ABOUT ONE OF THE GIRLS BEFORE.

Cut to later in the night and INCOMING, WE HAVE A CRYING GIRL ON OUR HANDS.

Lauren, the music composer from Austin, cries to Juan. This part was almost as forgettable as Lauren. Moving on.
"Clare is very possessive of Juan. She's like, 'Is that a bad thing?!' I mean it's not... if you're a dog." -another profound statement by the professional Dog Lover.

Clare is alone with Juan, tells him how she threw up in her mouth and then swallowed it, after trying Octopus.

Charming.

Now things take a turn as the topic of kissing arises. Juan confirms he likes the "no kissing" policy that she established their 2nd date.

2 minutes later:

They are kissing. Tongues flying. Juan to the camera, "I know I said I wasn't going to kiss anymore, but she is so sexy, I am helpless, those lips, iy yi yi."

Ecyew me, Juan??? You're ridiculous.

Cue the Asian flute music. It's ceremony time.

Cassandra looks fierce and fabulous in a bright one shoulder chiffon gown, paired with a statement necklace and equally colorful lipstick. I cannot find a picture of her from this night on the interwebs.

Nikki crashes Clare's alone time with Juan. He hints that other girls say she is spawn of Satan. She gets really offensive, as innocent people usually do..............

She leaves Juan. She finds The Dog Lover. She confides. Clare walks up. Tensions are high. Dog Lover says, "I feel awkward sitting between you two."They are all sharing a blanket. The claws are out. Clare calls Nikki out on being two-faced. Nikki's face twists. Words are exchanged. Bonds are broken. Lives are lost.

Now it's time to send some girls back to the 'Merica's. Juan proceeds to pass out teensy baby rose buds out to the girls he still wants to kiss.

One of the girls from tonight's episode, holding her thriving blossom from Juan.

Clare receives a rose. Nikki purses her lips.

ONE ROSE LEFT. It seems like there are still 192 girls left. OMG WHO WILL GET IT I'M SWEATING.

He calls Kat.

Which means Elise and her sequin mini-skirt / chiffon maxi creation are headed back to Forty-Fort. She cries. She looks like a less hip-talented version of Shakira.

I am from a town called Forty-Fort, white girl problems #10

This also mean Lauren is going home. She gave Juan a half-ass hug as she walked out. She cries to the camera, and beats herself up for asking Juan to kiss her the other night. Lollllllllll #nottragicatall

Juan toasts to the remaining women, then as you can see in the following Vine I captured, mourns the loss of the women he just sent home.

images: http://www.aceshowbiz.com, oneasiaa.wordpress.com , www.grupo-kapital.com, www.tastewiththeeyes.com 

Valentine's Day Pancakes You'll Fall in Love With

I'm excited to announce a Valentines Food Series for FFF, thanks to Mahek of Brown-Eyed Beauty. This week, get your tastebuds prepared for Valentines themed pancakes! It's the perfect way to say good morning, I heart you to your boyfriend (or roommate, or cat) this year. Everyone enjoy this recipe then head over to Brown-Eyed Beauty for more of her taste in food and fashion.

Valentine’s day can cause a range of emotions in people; they can either be extremely excited or extremely depressed! Well, I have the solution for all ranges of emotions, because obviously food can fix anything!

I have attached three valentine’s day recipes that you can make for your loved one, your best friend, or heck, yourself!

-Mahek

What you’ll need:

•   1.5 cup flour

•   3 tbsp. sugar

•   1.5 tsp. baking powder

•   1/2 teaspoon salt

•   1/4 tsp. baking soda

•   1 cup milk

•   4 tbsp. melted butter

•   1 egg

•   1 strawberry

•   heart-shaped cookie cutter

•   chocolate chips (if desired)

•   powdered sugar (if desired)

Instructions:

1)    Start off my mixing together the flour, sugar, baking powder, salt, and baking soda.

2)    In a different bowl, mix together the milk, melted butter, and egg. Then slowly mix this into the flour mix. (If you want, you can add in chocolate chips at this point.)

3)    Heat a skillet over medium-low heat with very little oil, and slowly pour in your mixture. About 1/4 cup should be perfect. Slowly use your spatula to spread the pancake out to make it big enough to fit your heart-shaped cookie cutter in.

4)    Cook both sides until brown.

5)    Take the pancake from the skillet onto a plate and then take the cookie cutter and press it down against the pancake.

6)    Once you’re satisfied with the shape, cut the top of the strawberry off and make a v-shaped cut at the top (this will make it look somewhat like a heart.)

7)    Slice the strawberries sideways so you don’t lose the shape of the heart, add it onto the pancake, and add some powdered sugar if you’d like.

Voila! There’s a simple valentine’s day breakfast!

Check back for Valentines Cake Pops and Cheesecake Brownies.... y u m!

Juanuary Episode 3: Pay-yamas & Pool Parties

I decided from now on, when a girl gets cut, my cat's face would replace hers. (sorry, Dog Lover).

let it be known that towards the end of this already too-long blog, I managed to exit out of blogger.com, and a part of this post was erased into interwebs and beyond, never to be retraced, and by that point, I had not the strength to recover, so enjoy this partial-recap. Continue reading at your own risk.
_____________________

Scene: girls together in mansion headquarters. am I watching a Playboy party scene from The Girls Next Door or The Bachelor????? It's getting hard to tell.
Enter: Christ Harrison, on trend tonight in his color block button up.

Harrison, in all his mysterious glory, omnicsently leaves a letter requesting a one-on-one date to Cassandra, from Juan. Cassandra is a former NBA dancer, who Juan likes to emphasize "Likes to danssssse."

"I haven't had a first date since I was 18 years old," says Cass, 21-year-old, mother of a two-year old.

Hmmmmm. Peculiar.........

Now, I'm not good at math, but I can gather this much about our dear friend Cassandra: She has sex on the first date.

On their first one-on-one date, J & C jump in a four-wheeler together, driving into a lake, which magically transforms itself into a boat. A boat. So now we all know what Michael Bay has been up to.

"Juan Pablo is, uhh, ton of fun," Cassandra articulately points out.

Renne and Elise get deep together talking in the blue and yellow pillows, at which point ABC throws in the sad piano music, just in time for Elise to talk about how her mom passed away. Having flashbacks of the last time I got emotional during an episode of the Bachelor as visions of Gia.

Whiplash, because ABC immediately cuts back to the one-on-one date with Cassandra, where tears and piano music are immediately replaced by a screaming half naked newly-mom on a jet ski, which quickly turns into frisky, ocean action with a certain latino someone.

Cut to girls talking  s m a c k  back at the mansion.

Cut back to Cassandra and JP drinking wine, now dry and clothed, in a *separate* mansion. Seconds later, they're pointing at children's paintings taped to the fridge. I'm sure half of America thinks that is very sweet and precious but I am yawning.

"The last time a guy cooked for me...was...never," says Cassandra. ABC is really doing all they can to build America's deep-rooted hate towards C's baby daddy.

Cut back to the mansion, where the single, heavily wine-laden and desperate women wait for a letter to announce the next group date.

Cut back to the one-on-one date, the longest date in the history of time, where Cassandra states for YET A THIRD TIME, that this is her first date in THREE years, also known as, ABOUT THE SAME TIME SPAN THAT IS THE AGE OF HER CHILD. PECULIAR.

Juan enthusiastically tells the camera, "Daaaaaaaaang, Cassuandra es beautiiiiiful."

Now we are looking at pictures of both of their children, and all I can picture is me ripping them apart in their cozy little romantic dinner and showing them pictures of my nephew, no doubt cuter than both of their little monsters.

Anyways.

Juan observes that she is a, "great mom, a protective mom." I can tell JP likey the C because there is some mad sexual tension the whole date. No surprise here, C gets a rose.

Thank God ABC cuts to a commercial break, all of us were needing a drink of water after that.

Now we have Juanski kicking the soccer (or should I say el futbol???) around with his bros, or random male specimen that ABC made to look like his fellow amigos. Pissing off coaches and maintenance men everywhere, the limo drives the girls onto the stadium grass and drops them off, where they march into the sunlight, fully make-up and dressed in brightly colored dry-fit exercise gear.

Juan says something about "comfort zone" but none of us were able to make it out exactly.

The dog lover is worried about this athletic date. "Do I look athletic at all???" No, dog lover, you don't. Your berry-colored lip gloss and grape-colored eye shadow in painful broad daylight definitely do not look athletic.

Now the girls are trying to kick the ball into the goal. Here is where I'm glad I'm home on the couch blogging and not trying to impress a man with my motor skills.

Ahh, now the girls have split up into teams, red and blue, donning face paint, knee socks and the works. Shit is getting really real, really fast. Dog Lover is struggling. One of the other girls is worried about Dog Lover. America is worried about Dog Lover. Andi and Nikki claim to be competitive. The girls are hurting each other. Kicking balls at each other. Sharlene gets hit in the face. She keeps playing. Sharlene is a man-she. Nikki scores. Where did those gold sports bras come from????

The blue team is losing, so Juan plays for them and proceeds to make all the girls drool, playing worse than ever. "That was fown," Juan announces, trying to make it seem like he is talking about the soccer game and not the fact that women are LITERALLY chasing him. I mean literally. They are chasing him, trying to score, and this time in more ways than one.

What appears to be a photo of a classic Christmas movie, is actually a photo of tonight's episode of The Bachelor, cocktail party.

Game over. Now it's night time and everyone is wearing a cocktail dress, Grinch style--two sizes too small. These bitches mean business.

Nikki, in a skirt that is as short as she is determined, emphasizes how important it is to her to get Juan alone. Her short skirt succeeds. Their alone time together, scantily clad Nikki and sweater/pants Juan, looks like an awkward Ashley Madison commercial.

Cut immediately to Andi's alone time with Juan, in an equally short and tight skirt. They are making out in an abandoned kitchen. "That kitchen was a hot kitchen," Andi points out.

Original, Andi.

I'm starting to think Juan is having a little too much fun. He just wants to make out with everyone. like, HI JUAN, CAN YOU PLEASE DECIDE YOUR FEELINGS ON A GIRL BEFORE JOINING CARAS.

By now, you and me are the only girls in America who haven't had their first kiss with Juan.

Now we're in the middle of the soccer field with Sharlene. All the other girls can see their one-on-one time. I mean, it's tad obvious under the beaming lights, being in the middle of the field and all. SURPRISE SURPRISE, he kisses Sharlene.

Juan is probably about to kiss the cameramen.

Now Andi is in a tizzy because she wasn't the only one who got kissed tonight. Andi, like most contestants, forgot the main function, purpose, and nature of this show. But I digress...


Juan is gathered around all the girls now, talking in a group. Lucy, the Professional Free Spirit, stands by with wet hair.

NOW WE ARE ALL CONFUSED BECAUSE NIKKI GETS A ROSE AND JUAN DIDN'T EVEN KISS HER. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S REAL ANYMORE.

The other girls feel on edge. Or maybe they're just all getting sick, sharing all these germs. This whole mansion is a petri dish.

Ahh, now cut to Chelsie's one-on-one date with Juan. If you recall, Chelsie is my "secret psycho" prediction. We see Chelsie and Juan singing spanish music in the car. Chelsie tries to pretend to be really interested, but we all know she is the type who knows nothing about the spanish culture unless you count Selena and Taco Bell. It's okay, Chels. Gringas unite.

Cut to girls at the mansion, where Elise and Cassandra bond while talking crap together. "She just seems like a BABY to me," Elise, 27, preaches to Cassandra, 21. Cass awkwardly pretends she isn't a mother and isn't under 25 during these moments.

Then Chelsie gets asked to go on a one-on-one date, with a letter that asks, "Do you trust me?"

Chelsie proclaims to be "up for adventure," as they step into a Venezuelan restaurant. "So far so gewd. Chelsie seems to really trust me. Trust es important," says Juan, always on the ball with good adjectives and diction choice.

Here is where we see a bungee cord and a bridge.

Me, on my date with Juan, running away as fast as I humanly can from heights.

Chelsie regrets saying she was up for adventure. She was only up for adventure when it meant tasting foreign food and men, NOT THROWING HERSELF OFF OF BRIDGES.

Feeling something I was not expecting to feel, I am overcome with sympathy for Chelsie. Because I could NOT do this and I'm not even embarrassed or ashamed to admit that, I will say it loud and proud, because I am not the girl that needs to come off like a bad ass. I AM NOT A BAD ASS. I DO NOT DO HEIGHTS.

Commercial break. Phew. Because I feel like I might get shaky any hot minute now.

And we're back. Now Chelsie is whimpering and crying. Probably because Juan is wearing jorts. Juan kisses her like a puppy. She is clearly just milking it, wanting him to kiss her. It works. Camera does a close up shot on her TOMS. Chelsie shops at Chrome.

Now they're doing it, THEY'RE DOING IT. THEY'RE DOING IT AND IT'S HAPPENING.

Nope. jk. Just kidding. They back up. Juan and his accent are trying really hard to console her.

I feel like I've been watching this one scene for 89 minutes.

Chelsie is in full-blown tear-mode and now I feel like this scene may be the most real thing that The Bachelor has ever recorded. She decides to man the F up. Juan's jorts give her the strength and courage she needs.

They jump. She's alive. They bounce around, feet dangled to a cord. Juan kisses her upside down.

I'm glad that's over, I can't handle much more adrenaline for a Monday night.

Now they're at a dinner. "Thanks for making me do that," Chelsie, still high on endorphins, gushes to Juan. Juany-bear finds this a perfect opportunity to bring up his daughter.

Juan, alone with the camera, comments on how "maternal" and "motherly" Chelsie, a non-mother, seems to be. Which begs the question... JUAN. IF ALL YOU WANT IN A WOMAN IS "MATERNAL QUALITIES" WHY DON'T YOU JUST DATE MAMA JUNE??????????????????????????????????????????????????

Another example of a confident and maternal woman. Another example of Juan's type.

The two pretend to eat. They giggle. ABC inserts strings acoustics. Chelsie compliments Juan on his upside-down kissing. Well, Chels, Juan's been around the block. Upside-down and around the block.

"You can't top what happened today," Chelsie announces. SOMEONE CHECK HER VITAL SIGNS BECAUSE THIS IS THE TALK OF SOMEONE SUFFERING A CONCUSSION.

Billy Currington and band manifests before their eyes, singing a song I've never heard. They dance, etc. Camera cuts to Juan commenting that "Chelsie could have everything he wants."

Juan has officially made the same comments on every single girl in different word-order.

Juan sneaks into the apartment, on a mission to see them with no make up or hair done. "I want to see them real life," Juan clarifies, and thank God, because for a second, I was afraid he was wanting to see them in fake life.

He begins cooking in the kitchen. A hot man cooking breakfast in the kitchen might be every girl's dream. The dog lover is the first to see him. She temporarily forgets that this is every girl's dream and is too scared to make eye contact because she doesn't have make up on.

Rennee, a Dove "real beauty" campaign brand ambassador, proudly waltzes up to Juan in the kitchen, in all her morning glory, sans bra, make up, and insecurity. "I also didn't brush my teeth," Rennee assures the camera.

Incomes Claire.

"Claire look really gewd in Pey-yamas."

I don't even know who tf Claire is, but Juan sure does and he likey the Claire in her Payamas. Now I'm half-convinced that Juan is pulling a Sophia Vergara, milking the CRAP out of that accent.

He decides to replace the cocktail party with a pool party, or "Peu Pahty," says Juan. Also known as, Juan wants to be surrounded by half-naked women.

Juan is a pig!!! I'm so over him. He's not even that attractive and his personality is so boring.
I said it, get over it.

Cut to Dog Lover "dogging" (lol see what I did there) the other girls. "I think you need to be considerate that there are other girls," she astutely observes, talking about the other girls to the camera, "And that you look like a whore," she says. Did my TV just accidentally switch to Mean Girls or is the Dog Lover 14 years old??????????

After the rose ceremony, we are sad to see two of our dear girls go.

Just kidding.

PEACE OUT LUCY AND KRISTIN!!!! I have no recollection of Kristin, but HOW COULD YOU FORGET LUCY???  Clearly Juan isn't interested in Professional Free Spirits.

"Everyone deserves to like, have love, and something so so so so special." -Lucy, having a deep moment before she parts the show.

The cast of The Bachelor and America, bidding their farewells to Lucy.

Juanuary Episode 2 Recap: Some people are vulnerable, some are naked

Okay, here we go.

First date with Claire:

• Juan blindfolds Claire in front of the mansion in front of all of the other (screaming) girls, which is something that can only be compared to what it's like on bid day when the rush buses drop the new PNM's off at their sorority home, greeted by dozens, or hundreds, of screaming girls with signs.
• They are in a winter wonderland.
• I thought this was in L.A.??
• Whatever.
• Claire declares to the privacy of the camera connected to the population of America, "It's just so hard for me to open up and be vulnerable. This is just so hard for me to put myself out there like this."
• Which confuses America, because we were under the impression she was just ice skating, not sitting in couple's therapy with Juan, rehashing her deepest secrets and darkest pasts.
• Enter: hot tub. 
• Enter: most generic date ever.
• She gets a rose.
• We're all so surprised.
• We are all just really on the edge of our seats.
• "When I look into Juan's eyes it occurs to me I could be falling for him. I may have just gone on the first date with my future husband." 
• Okay, Claire. Okay.
• Cue the random live band in the snow.
• Then they continue to do what obviously just comes naturally.... dancing in the snow, in bikinis. Like, it's snowing. ABC interns are standing on ladders somewhere and dumping freaking corn flakes and paper in front of fans so that this desperate hairstylist can feel "vulnerable."

Me, the last date I was on, when ABC interns were throwing snow on me.

Meanwhile at the house, Lucy, the really young "free spirit" forgets that she's on national TV, thinks she's on spring break in Port Aransas, and proceeds to wade topless in the hot tub. NO MARDI GRA BEADS TO BE HAD, LUCY. PUT YOUR BABY GAP SHIRT BACK ON. #someonelikesattention

Next one-on-one date: Kat.

• This sassy blonde mama is a dancer, which Juan enthusiastically replies with, "Thas very very gewd." 
• "Sitting with Juan Pablo, there is no place I'd rather be." Really, Kat? Because I highly doubt that. You wouldn't rather be invited to the academy awards???? Or meet Justin Timberlake???? Or watch a live recording of SNL??? Or be given a million dollars by Mark Zuckerberg??? Think about it, Kat.
• Juan has made it clean in this episode that he "loves giving surprises." WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE REALLY WHITE, JUAN, BUT IT'S OKAY, GOOD TRY.
• They find themselves in a private jet. Not outrageous for a first date at all.
• Suddenly they're in light up sweatpants, running in the dark through a lit-up maze like fortress, and land in what appears to be an EDM rave, which was most likely time travel into lights all night in Dallas for NYE '14. 
• And then what really happens is actually worse than that.
• YOUR FIRST DATE JUST TURNED INTO A 5K, HONEY. A 5K. HOPE YOU'RE EXCITED TO GET YOUR RUN ON FOR THIS FIRST DATE.
• Nightmare.
• BUT WAIT BECAUSE IT GETS WORSE..........................
• Because post run, we see Kat and Juan LITERALLY GRINDING IN LIGHT-UP SWEAT SUITS. Which is disturbing because the rest of America is sober on the couch with their family, so this sight is less than pleasant for everyone involved. 
• Then they find themselves on a stage, where more God-awful dubstep music plays on, and a rose awaits her.
• They make comments about having "chemistry" and "electricity" between them while the screenwriters and producers all pat themselves on the back.

Group date:

• I told you Chelsie was psycho. 
• "The postcard said like, 'say cheese,' so like maybe it's a photoshoot or something or maybe we're like eating cheese.... I'm good at both..." -The Dog Lover
• "He looked great, his arms are ripped. We were all drooling in the limo." DON'T SAY THAT IN FRONT OF THE DOG LOVER, SHE'LL TRY TO PET YOU AND TAKE YOU HOME.
• They arrive at a studio for a "partnered-up photo shoot."
• FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IT'S A BUNCH OF DOGS. THE DOG LOVER IS GOING TO SUFFER HYPERTROPHIC CARDIOMYOPATHY. 

Side thought:

I kind of have a problem with Bachelors that choose to do photoshoots as a date idea. This isn't effing America's Next Top Model. SOME OF US AREN'T PHOTOGENIC, JUAN. SOME OF US HAVE "A GOOD SIDE" THAT PHOTOGRAPHERS NEVER SEEM TO CAPTURE. SOME OF US PREFER BLUR AND FILTERS THAT OLD IPHONES AND INSTAGRAM CAN PROVIDE US. that is all.

Oh and then low and behold. SOME OF THE GIRLS HAVE TO POSE NAKED. Weren't you half way expecting this, though???? Like is anyone even surprised???

if you were to tell me i would have to pose with only a cardboard sign on national TV.

Well the blonde felt the same way. So she trades her costume with Lucy. And Lucy decides it upon herself to walk her dog on a busy street naked. Cue snoop a loop and the green hat, BECAUSE IS GOING SOMEONE IS GOING STREAKING.

That solves one problem, but Andi is still up in a tizzy that she has to pose naked. And I mean like PISSED-tizzy, not just play-fake-tizzy. Homegirl is agitated. 

UNTIL...

Juan assures her that he will also be naked. "Oh my, God, really? You would do that for me? Wow, you are so brave." (Cue real men, who have actually exemplified REAL bravery, rolling their eyes all over America, being forced by their wives to watch this)

"I could kind of tell that this wasn't in his comfort zone either." -Andi. 

YEAH BECAUSE HE DIDN'T COME UP WITH THIS DATE OR ANYTHING OR AT LEAST APPROVE THIS ENTIRE DATE IDEA OR ANYTHING AND DIDN'T JUMP AT THE CHANCE TO VOLUNTEER NAKED AT ALL OR ANYTHING.

Come on, Andi. You and your ombre hair are smarter than that.

I think my favorite part was The Dog Lover getting body-painted brown and white. That was so tragic.

"It's like a dream, except like with 12 other women." -Victoria. lol

THEN A MOMENT OF TRUTH HAPPENS....

Cassaundra apparently is a baby mama. So she pulls Juan aside, on a balcony on top of a tall building, to break the news to Juan that she has a son, no doubt ready to push him the hell off of the balcony if he doesn't approve.

I mean... DID SHE REALLY THINK HE WOULD BE UPSET ABOUT THAT??? HE HAS A CHILD AS WELL, CASS.

"I like totally feel butterfliez." -Cassuandra, post moment of truth.

THEN ANOTHER GIRL PULLS THE "I HAVE A CHILD" CARD....

Renee pulls him aside and they immediately start talking about her son, which he responds with a story about his daughter, which makes me feel like I'm on Facebook and every twenty-something newly-mom is in a secret battle for "WHO'S KID IS THE CUTEST" competition. Then Renee firmly states, "I didn't kiss him all the way, I left him wanting more." No, you talked about your kid's drawing and then mouth-fumbled. I don't think he wants more.

THEN THINGS GET INTERESTING AS VICTORIA GIVES EVERYONE FLASH BACKS OF BAR PM.....

Victoria, who is no doubt still hungover as you read this

Victoria, bless her soul, is just trying to yolo her way through this group date. She's as drunk as a little milked-out baby. But she thinks she's not which is even better because then she comes out with the quote of the night: I'm not a dog, I'm just a bitch. #lol #weseewhatyoudidthere

And then something amazing happens.

Victoria, in prime form, gets drunk to the point of crashing someone else's one-on-one time. As in walks over there, gives them a dirty look, and walks away. 

"She is just really desperate," -said the Dog Lover, clearly showing her graceful observing skills as well as her uncanny self-awareness, because she is definitely not desperate, clearly.

Victoria stumbles to the bathroom, cusses, cries, gestures to the producers, drops F bombs, and is all around re-defining the phrase, "hot mess express." It's clear she just misses tailgate season. Everyone just turn on some football and let her work out her post-tramautic-football-season-stress-disorder on her own.

Juan finds her crippled on the bathroom floor as she cries. His accent does not woo her out of the stall. He describes how "It's not easy being in this situation. I feel bad for her." To which America responds, ARE WE MISSING SOMETHING?????????? ARE THE GIRLS GOING THROUGH MILITARY BOOTCAMP TRAINING OFF CAMERA OR SOMETHING?????? WHAT ARE THEY GOING THROUGH, EXACTLY??? LIVING IN A MANSION AND DRINKING FREE WINE????????????

Fast forward to the Dog Lover, whose name is apparently Kelly, is given rose. 

All the girls comment on how great Juan's accent was in the face of turmoil, err, dealing with a drunk girl. 

It's the next morning now. Juan visits Victoria. #TFLN

She goes, "Welcome to the crazy train.. welcome to Braaaazzeeeeeel!" Then switches gears and says she is embarrassed and mortified. But it's too late. Juan's corazon is offended. He tells her to leave. Not even bother waiting for the rose ceremony. This isn't a Zach Galifinakis movie, V.

And can we talk about the M&M commercial????????????? 

What the ef was that???? WAS THAT CHELSIE??? I'll die if he chose Chelsie to be his wife.. More importantly, I DON'T THINK A REALITY STAR FROM THE BACHELOR IS IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO SIT ALONGSIDE THE YELLOW M&M ON A NATIONAL TV COMMERCIAL SPOT that is just my humble opinion.

Towards the end of the episode:

Blah blah blah, Cassaundra cries, blah blah blah, misses her son, etc, but THIS IS WHY 97% OF MY FRIENDS ARE GUYS BECAUSE ALL THESE GIRL TEARS ARE DRIVING ME INSANE.

Another thing--YOU DON'T FOOL ME, CASSAUNDRA. You're just trying to get attention from Juan, crying and pulling the "I have a child" card. YOU FOOL JUAN, BUT NOJUAN ELSE lol #cracksselfup

The rose ceremony:

• Cassaundra gets first rose, convincing young impressionable girls all over America that if they want a guy to love them, they simply need to have a child first.
• A bunch of girls I don't even remember are given a rose
• The music gets intense
• Sharleen, the honey badger from episode one, gets a rose and gives a really weird thank you. Great dress, though.
• Renee, the other mom Juan is obsessed with, gets a rose.
• Who is ef is Danielle? Idk but she gets a rose.
• I finish eating my peanut butter and rice cake.
• Lucy, wearing clothes this time, gets a rose.
• I see multiple tight white mini dresses in this ceremony.
• This season is brought to you by J.Lo's designs and high fashions.
• One rose left, three girls to go.
• Amy, the impromptu news anchor from earlier in the night, IS NOT CALLED. Kristi is called.
• Whoever that is.

Despite the loss, Amy is gracious and gracefully leaves. Her hair looks great. 

Ok, then this part is actually kind of sad...

Chantel leaves with the message, "He was everything I was looking for. He is why I was here. I just haven't dated in so long," and trails off into there-are-things-going-on-beyond-just-Juan-heart-broken-girl tears. Which is kind of sad because she was really hoping to be the next Trista, or at least the next Vienna. 

until next time, juanuarians. 

The Bachelor Episode 1 Recap: Honey badgers & Hippies

Thoughts I had watching tonight's episode

• Real hippies don't wear shoes. Thanks, Lucy we get it. Neither do homeless people.
• Amy had essentials oils on her, ready for rubbing. Put oil on her hands then literally rubbed his suit.
• Amy is a psycho. 
• Juan is terrified of Amy and so is America.
• The stylist on this show likes men's skinny ties.
• YOUR FIANCE DUMPED YOU, WE GET IT, WE'RE SORRY, MOVE ON, LAUREN H.
• Sharleen------>HONEY BADGER OF THE NIGHT. She literally could care less if she got a rose or not. So naturally, she gets the first one.

If you followed me on Twitter, you saw more of my insights and commentary. You poor soul.

Have you met Warby?

Introducing a brand that is as cool as its name. So, no, a man named Warby Parker is not behind this brand. It comes from the "master wordsmith" and pop culture icon, Mr. Jack Kerouac. To quote the WP website, "Two of his earliest characters, recently uncovered in his personal journals, bore the names Zagg Parker and Warby Pepper. We took the best from each and made it our name."

Reasons I like WP:

• Their aesthetic is vintage-inspired (and we all know my soft spot for cat eyes)
• They're highly meticulous with materials and craftsmanship, using custom acetates to make the frames
• Each pair is custom-fit with anti-reflective, polycarbonate prescription lenses
• Started by close friends
• Conceived with the purpose to give consumers another option, against the "overpriced and bland" eyewear available today
• They've partnered with VisionSpring to ensure that for every pair sold, a pair is distributed to someone in need. 

"We believe that everyone has the right to see." 

-Warby Parker

Beyond the name and history, my favorite part is that for every pair of glasses sold, a pair is distributed to someone in need. On top of that, a percentage from each sale will also go to Girl Up, a United nations Foundation campaign mobilizing American girls to raise awareness and funds for UN programs that provide life-changing opportunities to girls around the world.

Don't miss their winter collection if you're in the market for new specs. And if you're feeling nostalgic, shop my favorite WP set designed by Leith Clark.

My favorite pair by Leith is this Wednesday Noir creation. Stunner.

I write about brands I believe in and products I stand by. If you're interested in having your product or service featured or reviewed, contact me and let's figure out a collab over virtual coffee (with virtual organic creamer).

Juanuary: If you're latino, why are you white?

Happy Juanuary, mijas!!

Chris Harrison decided best to corrupt our sabbath with a Sunday "countdown" edition of The Bachelor. This is exciting because I'm half way through a glass of wine on an empty stomach.

Juan looks like this:

He sounds like this:

I haven't watched the saga that is The Bachelor since season de Sean. Entonces, I'm not muy familiar con Mr. Juan Pablo.

But I can gather this much about Juan:

1. His voice does not match his appearance.
2. He has a child. Maybe two. Not positive.
3. He is over 32. Or 31. He's an old ass, either way.
4. I am going to spend the remainder of the season making golden JUAN jokes. I CAN'T JUAIT!!!!!!
5. All these dumb white girls are trying to learn espanol already. Girl, DO YOU WANT TO BE DUMPED IN TWO DIFFERENT LANGUAGES?????? TAKE A SEAT.

People who go on this show are a different breed. All of these girls are so thirsty, it's amazing they aren't hospitalized for dehydration. How are you already so obsessed with Juan??? You have never met him???? Why are you competing with 20+ other girls chasing after a man you don't even know if you like? #DESPERATEDEBBIE But that's how the show works, and it makes good TV, which makes good blogging material. I'm not judging these girls--I'm simply saying that they're all fucking insane.

I really enjoyed the part when they went to Juan's hometown and showed us his family, and what he's about. It reminds me of the segment on the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show when they show the models back stage and have them talk about their lives and growing up. It's basically the same story: Hot person with a foreign accent makes it big in America and swears that "they're the biggest dork in the world."

My favorite part was when Juan Pablo's uncle addressed him as "Juan-Carlos." Like LOL HI, DO YOU EVEN KNOW YOUR SOBRINO??????? ARE YOU A PAID ACTOR??? DID YOU LITERALLY JUST GET HIS NAME WRONG?????????????? I'M ROLLING IN MY SILLA LAUGHING.

Now getting serious.

The part about Gia really kind of pulled a tear out of my eye. The Bachelor is all fun and games UNTIL SOMEONE DIES????????? I also accidentally inhaled lemon juice 4 minutes before they played the memorial segment, but that is another story and that is besides the point. I'm glad they honored Gia during the show. It's easy to see she positively influenced other people on the show.

Now getting silly again.

These are my predictions for this season of The Bachelor, Juan Pablo.

Lucy: Most likely to take a selfie on the show
The epitome of why people can't stand Gen Y. Extremely and overly excited/bubbly. She's one of the youngest on the show, and IT ALREADY SHOWS. She will probably want to talk about her favorite Gossip Girl episodes and know all the latest funny videos on Vine. What kills me the most about Lucy? SHE LISTED HER OCCUPATION AS "FREE SPIRIT."
YOU MAKE UNPAID INTERNS LOOK DOWN ON YOU. Oh and apparently she's friends with Kate Upton, so homegirl is bound to be begging for a chance to name-drop that like an atomic bomb.

Sharleen: Most likely to dress like a baby prostitute

Renee: Most likely to be Jennifer Aniston

Lauren S.: Most likely to be a Rap God.
Homegirl is from Detroit, so you KNOW she grew up in a trailer on 8 mile, participated in rap contests, was married to a woman named Kim, and has a daughter named Haylee. America is rooting for you, L.

Kylie: Most likely to wear a fake-diamond bow tie ring.

Kelly: Most likely to be a snooze cruise.
This gem wrote her occupation as "dog lover." DOG LOVER. If you're unemployed and going to fill in that blank with something else, AT LEAST BE HALF WAY WITTY ABOUT IT.

Kat: Most likely to be too good for Juan.
This bad ass backpacked across Australia for four weeks BY HER SELF. She is adventurous and obviously a model, so unless she's a raving witch or has 6 toes, then she's probably above Juan and this whole show.

Danielle: Most likely to benefit from FRIZZ-EASE BY JOHN FRIEDA. 

Chelsie: Most likely to be a secret psycho.
I can just tell. I just can.

Cassandra: Most likely to STILL WEAR DIAPERS.
Seriously wtf this girl is TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD.  Why are you doing this to yourself, Cass???????????? Having someone love you back IS NOT THE END-ALL BE-ALL OF THE WORLD. GO LIVE YOUR LIFE.

Andi: Most likely to be as bad ass as her hair.
This bad bitch is a prosecutor in Atlanta, climbed the leaning tower of Pisa, and wants to travel the world.
ROOTIN' 4 YA, ANDI! 

Amy L.: Most likely to dress like an idiot
Seriously, you get picked to be on The Bachelor, and it occurs to you to wear a stretchy-cotton rosette shirt????? I personally can't wait to see what you pick for your opening night evening gown. 

Alli: Most likely to be the next Bachelorette
I'm rooting for this one. She was one of the only girls on tonight's episode that acted like a normal person when Chris told her she was chosen to be on the show. She didn't act like her life destiny was at its peak or that there were Disneyland fireworks in the sky. She was like oh that's dope. Also, SHE MOVED TO AUSTRALIA AFTER COLLEGE BY HERSELF AND LIVED THERE FOR TWO YEARS SO THERE.
She seems like the type of girl who is so bad ass, all other guys take her for granted and she's single forever because she doesn't settle. WE'LL SEE.

Alexis: Most likely to leave an orange mark on your white couch.
Seriously girl, lay off the Jergens and step away from the tanning beds.